I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[james1]

Hey Em,

Thanks for telling us about this guy in Sweden. It sounds like he's trying to have a relationship with someone near him so hopefully he finds what he wants there, though I realise it must be tough for you as well. I kind of know what that feels like. You know those movies where people break up and they're like, "if you love me, let me go"? I've had that happen twice and...yeah. All we can do is wish them happiness I suppose.

I was reading what you said about your feelings being forgotten when people say they're not interested. That sounds really tough because any rejection will feel personal. Have you tried thinking about it differently? What if they did actually care and that's why they didn't pursue it further?

I don't really like giving advice on relationships because, having messed up two long relationships, I'm probably not the best expert. But in my little experience, I've learnt to ask myself two questions:

1. What aspects of me are attractive to people? (not just physically but emotionally and mentally)

2. What aspects of me do I need to improve on?

I don't, ever, answer those two questions specific to a person I'm interested in because I think dating is ultimately a selfish thing. It's all about you. Who will like you for the things you're good at, and will accept you for the things you're getting better at?

Anyway, that's just how I see it. It helps me stay focussed on improving myself so I can have healthier relationships.

What do you think?

James

[BenignSky]

So I lost Jordan.

I had his girlfriend berate me.

I broke him.

I break people.

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

I don't think you break people, what happened? why did the GF berate you?

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey em,

What happened? It sounds like he and her were having issues and you happened to get caught up in the middle. that's not your fault - it just means they had issues between them.

James

[BenignSky]

Hey Jay and James,

I was upset. I haven't spoken to Jordan in three weeks or some ridiculous number. He promised me after last weekend, once his show and choir retreat were over, he'd come and talk to me again. Then I get a text from his girlfriend on Tuesday morning, telling me to leave him alone because she's with him 80% of the time, and to stop talking to him like I want a relationship with him (I don't love Jordan like that, I gave up on it ages ago). Obviously I was upset.

Jordan assured me he would always make time for his 'Aussie friend' but then a day or two later, he leaves telling me he's sick but I know he's been up talking to his girlfriend (Emma). So that afternoon I message him saying how I feel.

That night I talk to Emma, she says I'm here for you, I know what you're going through, you can always talk to me, rubs my face in the fact that she has Jordan and Jordan loves her more than me and all the rest of it. Then that night I get Jordan's message where he's telling me he's leaving.

I message him all confused and hurt and upset and I message Emma who says "Yeah I know, we are facetiming right now" then she proceeds to tell me to leave her and Jordan the alone' and proceeds to yell at me through text and tells me to 'go talk to someone else!' and that 'Jordan is dropping you' 'Jordan wants me to come first' 'He's done with you, he's done with your drama, all you've done is brought negativity into his life.' 'Jordan blocked you, and I am going to block you. Leave us alone and stay out of our lives and our relationship'. 'You're a sacrifice, Jordan will drop you'.

I was so upset that night I threw up and didn't go to school on Friday and stayed in bed. I begged Jordan to Skype me to sort this whole mess out WITHOUT his girlfriend. He only had ten minutes but we spoke a little, then Saturday night I called him again and we spoke a bit more.

He says he will contact me in a few weeks, he just needs time. He couldn't breathe, told me his heart was aching. I told him about the messages his girlfriend sent me and he got angry at me for bringing up them up and I just shut down, burst into tears a few times. I continued to bring it up throughout the conversation and when I read him the actual texts, it took him ages to respond before he finally said 'she was only worried about me because I was not okay'.

So yeah. It's currently day two since I last spoke to Jordan. I also apologised to Emma.

What is wrong with me.

[james1]

Hello Em,

Thank you for letting us know what's been happening. It sounds really difficult for you to be thrown around like that.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but there is nothing wrong with you. There is, however, something wrong with this friendship with Jordan at this time when he doesn't know what he wants.

You deserve more than this Em. You deserve unconditional care by a professional who will be there when you need them. Jordan's not able to do this for you right now.

What would you like to happen?

James

[james1]

Hello Em,

It just occurred to me as well, I think we mentioned earlier that you could be of great help and support to others on these forums, particularly those who are also struggling with their relationships.

I know you are struggling yourself so there will be times when it's best to make sure you take care of yourself, but perhaps talking to others on their threads will help during those other times when you feel like you'd like to just share in other people's company.

You're a super kind person and people do take notice. I think you'd be a wonderful support to others here.

James

[BenignSky]

Hey James,

I just want my friend back. I just really want my friend back. I want to go back to how we were, a few months ago, when it felt like I met my soulmate. When Jordan wanted to talk to me. Is that so much to ask for? Is that wrong of me to hope for?

I know, I just don't have the time for anything. I have three folio subjects this semester, I have German to study, work, taking care of mum, exercise/running, keeping up with CATs, all my school groups, assignments, tests - I barely have time for sleep, or to eat. I want to be there for others but I just can't right now. ALl my responses would be rushed and not planned through properly. I wouldn't be giving the best responses.

I know I've been horrible. Asking for advice yet giving none back.

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

I am sorry to read what happened between you and Jordan and Emma, it does sound quite harsh... she is somewhat jealous by the sounds of it which I think in life you will unfortunately experience a lot when it comes to relationships. Even though your intentions are good, they can be turned against you, it hurts I know.

You have so much to focus on as you said and I think that is where you need to direct your attention, you have these forums to turn to for advice and it is ok if you aren't reaching out to people to give advice currently as you are in your own space and dealing with your own stuff and that is ok.

Keep your head up.

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hi, Jay,

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you - life has been hell currently.

First of all, thank you for your message, I appreciate it dearly.

Secondly, Jordan came back to me. His relationship with Emma lasted for two weeks. He apologised to me and said that Emma is not a very nice person. We Skyped and reconnected really, really well which was a nice change for once. He sang for me, and it was good. I made him laugh again, we spoke about how our wanderlust has been ramped to the max lately. Back to how we used to be. Unfortunately, he has a thing with Emma's best friend...and apparently I'm still in love with him...but I'm better at ignoring it.

I got my host family which is cool. I've made contact with them and they are awesome. I have everything I asked for which is nice.

Again, trying to keep up with CATs and assignments and tests.

Oh also, the guy from Sweden? Felipe? Yeah, we aren't talking. Being told 'you look like a 12 year old with identity issues' and 'you're more obnoxious than nice' and told what a horrible person you are, then being blocked and told to wait is the way people like to treat their 'friends'. Oh, also being told not to talk to his friends or reach out to any of them in case I'm crazy. Wonderful, isn't it? I don't understand why people hate me so much.

I'm happy Jordan and I are friends still, and we have reconnected, but Year 12 is getting better of him and he's in four choirs, plus band, plus two jobs and we have next to no time at the moment. I hope we will work it out.

Work is fine, I've almost hit my target goal for saving up money, and I'm at the top of a few of the lists for scanning rates etc which is pretty cool.

I've gotten back into reading which is nice.

So yeah.

Hope all is well with you.

- Em