I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[james1]

Hey Em,

It's very hard to be alone and not to have someone there for you, but it happens to all of us and over time we learn how to do it. It is too difficult if we don't learn how to be alone because that feeling comes back over and over again. Even in relationships, there will be times when you argue, when you aren't heard, when you're are just apart - and we need again to call on that ability to be alone.

You will get there.

Small steps is good. You can probably some of the planning like learning German next term hey? Will you be doing anything over the break?

James

[BenignSky]

I know how to be alone, i love being alone, I prefer it, but sometimes it just gets too overwhelming when you don't have any friends or people you can rely on or a significant other. It's just hard. It has its periods where I don't want anything, I don't care about it anymore but then there's times where I need it and I just want it. You just seek human companionship and touch and physical moments and emotional moments with someone, especially when you've been 'deprived' and avoided of it for so long.

I'm working over the break, studying German, maybe clean a bit, gym and gym and gym, and I'll try to do reading and writing. I wanted to meet up with my British friend in the city (just recently moved down from Queensland and is studying law) but I think he's in the US for my break which sucks, because we've been trying to meet up for months. I just want to be by myself.

Unfortunately, Jordan got a job that takes up most of his day from 4:30am until 5:00pm at night, and it's a very strenuous job so he will get tired and he's got his girlfriend, band and theatre to take care of, so I think I am going to be pushed to the side for the rest of winter...that scares me, but I know I am not the centre of his life, and he needs the money and it's so good for him, you know? So yeah...it'll be hard because he's like my only friend but I can't be selfish.

[james1]

Hey Em,

I hear you. It is super hard 😞 You will find someone some day. Do you find listening to music helps? It's kinda lame but I always listen to sad songs when I'm feeling alone, lol. It's nice to just be sad sometimes, but I do also then try to pick myself up again.

What do you do for work? I didn't know you worked!

Oh wow Jordan sounds super busy. It's great that you're recognising that he has his separate life from yours, but I can see why that would be soo scary too. Can you see if you can try and make a little schedule for your German and gym and reading and writing? That way you'll be able to distract yourself while he's busy.

James

[BenignSky]

No, it's not lame, I get you. Unfortunately my phone doesn't have a lot of space and my IPad died, so my music is limited. I've been listening to Green Day's American Idiot album. Give Me Novacaine, Dearly Beloved, We Are The Waiting, City of the Damned, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Wake Me Up When September Ends, St Jimmy...so many good songs and so touching. I don't really have any sad songs. Everything I listen to is what Jordan gave me so I guess the sentiment is sad...

I literally had a couple making out in front of me on the trip home today, then as I was walking home there were two girls giggling and laughing and singing and sharing headphones. It's not just romance. Just looking for someone to like me.

Yeah, at a supermarket, I'm a check out chick. Been there for just over a month and have earned $700. Pays good.

Yeah, he's always super busy. Has an insane voice too. And such beautiful eyes (he sent me a photo today for the portrait I'm doing of him for school). He sent me, ages ago, a recording of him in the morning playing ukulele and singing La Vie En Rose. His voice wasn't warmed up and he sounded super adorable and sexy and it was so bloody intimate because it was just him. I got off topic. Yeah, he's busy, a lot. But it's cool because he's busy doing what he loves and he's so with the world and everyone around him, and it makes him happy - unfortunately for me, and our friendship, it kind of gets ignored and neglected, but he tells me he loves me and always tries to message at least once a day. He's really good with everything, and with me. Completely freaked out on him the other day, and he wasn't good so he snapped at me, but we talked it through and he felt so bad. He is so sweet.

Yeah, I will once school is over. One of my assignments is late today. I can't be bothered getting it done.

Found out that someone I knew died. Young kid.

[BenignSky]

I did reply to this...

[BenignSky]

I can't do this anymore

[Sophie_M]

Hi BenignSky, just checking in with you - are you feeling suicidal at the moment? 

[BenignSky]

No, not suicidal, I'm just tired of everything

[Sophie_M]

I'm sorry to hear that.  The replies on the forums are sometimes a bit slow, our support service live webchat will be open from 3pm AEST if you'd like to talk to someone now.  

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

And please keep posting here in the meantime if it helps to get your thoughts out. 

[BenignSky]

Hey,

thank you but I have work until late tonight and the web chat isn't really an option. I'm just tired and I'm sore and I just want to be alone...but I want to be with someone at the same time. Alone with someone.

i try reaching out to people, who I trust, and nothing...