I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Doolhof]

Hi Zenobia,

Ha. Ha. No I am not 110, some days my body feels that way though with various aches and pains. Today I am a sprightly just over 50 year old!

I grew up with a Mum who held onto bitterness, regrets and hurts, I decided that was not the way I wanted to be. Mum and Dad could have had a happier relationship I believe if past hurts had been recognised, dealt with and left behind as incidents that happen but can be let go of eventually.

Understanding now how the garden reminds you so much of a time and experience you miss, I am wondering if you can see your garden through different eyes. You could take your own photos of your garden, maybe use something like a teapot or a child's toy as a prop in the garden. Or if you have a garden gnome move that various places each day.

Letting go of dreams and desires can be confusing, hurtful and tiring. Hopefully by helping others at work and also looking for a new job yourself will help you to divert some of your attention and thoughts.

Please don't give up on dreams, ideas or the thought of happiness. Over the years I have realised my husband has been unable to provide me with the support and emotional needs I have. In time I have learnt to provide for myself. Sometimes I need to be creative in my thinking.

If that savage beast of Revenge does come out of its cave, have a good look at it and ask yourself if you really want it hanging around. Will it be of any benefit to you? Maybe writing out how you are feeling, yelling into your pillow or running around the back yard might be more beneficial than encouraging revenge to happen.

Wishing you all the best with your job interview!

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

First if not to late good luck both with the interview and also with helping those who too have lost their jobs.

The question you were asking in your last post was thought of some time in the past by Tennyson. The reason I mention it is twofold, first so you realize (I'm sure you do already) that this facet of the human condition has been borne by many over the centuries and secondly because I think I have an answer that fits me.

If you had asked me after my first wife died I would have said it was not worth it - no way, the pain too great. A year later I was a different person. If you had asked me if I broke a leg I might have thought the same at the time, but not when healed.

Apart from changing circumstances, even if I had not re-married, eventually I would have thought it better to know what love was (one has to experience it to know it) than go though life otherwise. With you it's twice I know. This is just me.

In your garden what obvious change can you make that drives the past out? Now you will think me ridiculous and I fully admit it may be impractical, but perhaps an animal? From a goat to a guinea-pig? Maybe something your daughter might relate to and love, even is she has to look mostly though a window.

There have been two people in my life I would have done ill to for revenge, now from an age much older than you or Mrs D I'm very glad I didn't. Would not have sat well.

Croix

[Zenobia]

Dear Mrs D and Croix,

Thank you.

I will write more later but now I need time. Just quickly though- I'm doing OK.

Zen

[Doolhof]

Dear Zen,

Hi. Time is good. Take as much as you need. May peace fill your heart mind and soul.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.

[Zenobia]

Dearest Mrs D and Croix,

I know itis wrong, I do I do. I am also so so jealous that they are both 'happy' and I am miserable. It is I who have lost everything, they are on the path to saving their marriage. He now has a love life again and I look forward to bleakness.

Croix, we both understand the death of a very loved person, losing their love and to be able to give love. When N died, I grieved, and grieved. I lost my future, my plans, my husband, my lover, my partner, the father of our baby. But it was normal grief. The person I lost and trusted, did not hurt me or reject me.

This time there is betrayal. There is so much pain because he won't try to even lighten my anguish. The person I trusted the most to look after me, protect me from emotional harm destroyed me and takes no responsibility beyond admitting it is his fault. He won't meet privately so I can get answers. This is where the desire for revenge comes in. I panic when I need to go shopping, as they live in the biggest shopping /business precinct to me, in case I bump into his wife while I am sure that I don't enter their consciousness at all.

Working with him this week was fine. But his wife showed up on both days, at both premises and watched me (only long enough for me to know she was there waiting for her husband). This week I will insist he tell her to not come to our workplace or at least that she wait in the car.

With death, there is the support of family and friends. In this situation, there is only the support of strangers (which doesn't detract from the love, and is kind of more valuable because a stranger gives it to me out of goodness not obligation).

I will get over it in my garden, but it all takes time.

The interview was positive and I may have opened the door for my colleagues too.😊

The following post will be an example of what we had...

L,

Zenobia

[Zenobia]

Hi again,

The soap opera continues...

So at work on Thursday, I decided to remind him how I feel. By giving him a slip of paper with words he once wrote to me, not long before he rejected me. As we had no opportunity to discuss it, I have no idea what he felt about it. He was immediately distracted by a client after reading it so I didn't even see his reaction.

It said:

Zenobia my heart is aching from love, I can write a hundred pages for you everyday & can discover everyday a new way to shape the language differently to help me reveal one small facet of my feelings. But the truth is I can't love you more than I do, you have all of me & your soul is wearing mine like that winter coat of yours.
You've got me Zenobia, I'm all yours I have opened all my gates & lowered all my flags & have surrendered to your will.
Be merciful, my queen, rule however you please, but don't abandon me.

These sorts of messages,some so beautiful and uplifting and inspiring, passed between us almost every day. Yet he abandoned me, so easily...

I am human, is he now saying these same things to his wife? I don't understand how it goes from this to nothing... I don't understand and I think I will never get over him until I do understand.

Would it be wrong to threaten him with exposure if he doesn't find an opportunity to talk to me? I know it is wrong, but if I need it for me and I can't get resolution any other way, is it so wrong? I know it is possible that he may lose any iota of respect he may still have for me, but sometimes I care and sometimes, frankly, I don't give a damn.

Thanking you in advance for your advice

Zenobia ​

[white knight]

Mrs Dools

A video for your tree house. Google

Youtube prem rawat sunset

Zenobia, a video for you. Google

Youtube prem rawat the perfect instrument

Inner peace should be the target for all of us

Tony WK

[CMF]

Hi Zen,

Sorry i haven't posted but i have been following your thread. My heart breaks for you, seeing the pain you are in and what you are going through. I think you have every right to ask that hi wife wait in the car. Her coming to the office and watching you is intimidation. I wish i had a magic switch that could turn off your feelings for him. After reading the beautiful note and seeing that he is now playing 'happy families' would definitely put doubt in your mind as to his sincerity and how easily he can switch from one to the other.

I wish i had words that could take your pain away but i know no words can do that. Just know i am thinking of you and wish the best for you.

cmf x

[Zenobia]

Hi Tony,

Well that toutube cetainly puts things in perspective doesn't it? So do the needy people all around the world. How selfish we are as humans. Perhaps living in this wonderful society of ours has cushioned us too much from the rest of humanity, the daily news desensitising us from the individual's pain as we see the collective diasters too big for us to solve. And conversely, the focus on our pain closing us to the rest of the world's and our own beauty and miracle of life.

Thanks CMF, actually your avatar has been continually reminding me to not go down the revenge path,

Re his sincerity, this is the big question, the not understanding is the cause of the anguish.

It is a beautiful, but cold , beautiful day out there.

I will spend some time in it and get those beautiful Vitamin D rays.

Take care all,

Zenobia

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

Yes I know there is betrayal too. That adds an extra dimension to the grief. Maybe I felt that way when invalided out. Certainly grief and a measure of perceived betrayal was involved, though not in the same arena as yours.

Please bear with me, I may sound a little blunt below, it is not from lack of understanding or care.

I think, reading your words, you are thrashing around, trying all sorts of things to make the hurt less. You said:

... but if I need it for me and I can't get resolution any other way ...?

When trapped by circumstances that can happen. I'm not sure it would do any good, give you resolution or help. Being in the middle of the anguish it might be hard to judge and in desperation any any action seem worth trying. None will resurrect what you had or bring quick closure.

I doubt any could substitute revenge or anything else, I'd be afraid they would just add to your burden.

You show his words - fine ones, though in my reading not addressed to an equal, but someone with all the responsibility. In all your other posts you show his lack of worth and infidelity. Both originating in the same person. I'm afraid that just points out that words are not the window to the soul one might hope.

I know every day is a battle to live with the hurt. You have strength.

Croix