I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Zenobia]

Oh Croix,

You made me smile...still grinning.

I have written a very serious email to him, which hints at the threat but asks for the closure clearly....it is still in my drafts. Let's hope I don't weaken and send it. Maybe I'll just send the bit about telling him that he should tell his wife to stay away from work when she knows I am there. Surely that's a fair request.

Thank you all,

I intend to be quiet about this all for a while now and let you all regroup your energy and direct it where it is needed more.

(if the question is allowed, what do you mean by invalided out ?)

Zenobia

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia

I'm really pleased you had a grin, good for the soul and good for me to know I did it.

If you want a break for you -that's fine.

But let you all regroup your energy and direct it where it is needed more is misguided. You have the same needs as any - and we have the need to help as well as receive, it is how this place works.

Invalided out -um, I was a policeman and the job disappeared when I was no longer able to function due to job-related stress (PTSD, Depression, Anxiety). It was a long time ago and there were few measures in place to prevent such things happening or help. I felt used, betrayed along with grief and other things. Still not a time I can look back on with equanimity.

If it was me - it's not I know - I would not send any emails, although still a major part of your life I would try to act as if it was not. (hope that makes sense) Talking of work, do you still have to finish up soon?

Croix

[Zenobia]

Croix,

I was taking a break because I know the answers and it is up to me to just live with it whether I like it or not. I have been given so much advice and encouragement here and if it was someone else, I would be advising the exact same thing. So, I thought I'd leave you all alone. Somewhere deep inside I was hoping someone would validate my actions.

As a policeman, you would have seen the results of revenge again and again.... and to be made to feel useless after all that you gave to society. It is thankless and unfortunately, even though they have "procedures" in place today, they still seem tokenistic. Ashley Bryant is testament to that. That poor man's death may result in more genuine change than anything else. Let's hope so.

The thanklessness of our society towards those who do the most difficult jobs (nurses, paramedics, police, firies) on a day to day basis is extraordinary, yet when a tragedy is averted, when a fire is put out without loss of life, only then do we fall at your feet. You should be supported every day, on and off duty.

I owe police a thank you when my husband died but when I wished to find the officers involved in the accident scene, my in-laws protected me and were trying to get me to move on. The person guilty of my husband's death, to my knowledge was never brought to justice (he fled to Greece). My husband was killed by an unlicensed drink driver in a truck (0.49).

So, I thank all police or emergency service respondents out there who do an amazing job every day and feel that they are not appreciated. Most of us do care!

Yes after 19 years of being a benchmark provider of education to migrants and refugees, our college lost a contract for political/cost cutting reasons.

Come 1st July, I need to find a new employer... and leave behind colleagues that are like family.

Thank you for everything Croix

Z x

[ro63]

Hi Z, absolutely it's a fair request for his wife to stay away fom work ,you are so right there ,in regards to the email ,I personally would'nt send it ,I think all that has happened has made you so much stronger ,I am not sure who said it but I do beleive it to be true ,as hard as it is ,feeling revenge or hanging onto resentfull feelings ,just seems to make's us ill while the perseived perpetrator seems to be unaffected ,"it's like drinking poison and expecting the wrong doer to feel ill" i do beleive that forgivness gives us freedom ,as hard as it is ,to seperate the person from the behaviour ,and get our life back ,just my 2 cents ,I am sure things will turn around for you ,I really do ,and what you have been through is a test and you have passed with flying colours ,the good stuff you deserve is coming ,stay strong .All my very best Z ,Ross.

[CMF]

Dear Zen,

i was in a position several months ago where I felt the need to write how I was feeling toward someone and wanted to send it. I kept it as a draft, hesitant to send for fear it would cause added conflict. I thought I would send it if he contacted me as a reply to whatever he said. I still didn't send it. I kept that message, I looked back on it several times. Eventually my hurt subsided. Eventually I deleted it. I realised it wasn't worth it, it would just give him ammunition.

sending the email will not change anything. I know you want to express how you feel, I know you want him to know, but I it will not change anything except give you maybe temporary relief. If you are like me, you will think about later ,and maybe wish you didn't send it. Don't show him a side of you thinking that is not really you, it is just your anger and hurt. Don't give him a reason to think anything bad or negative of you, because that is not you.

Tell him his wife needs to stay away, after all what is her point? What is she trying to achieve? Tell her to move on, just as you are trying to do.

cmf x

[Zenobia]

Hey Ross and CMF,

As per your advice, I have culled the email to merely requesting, firmly, that his wife meet him elsewhere than in the workplace.

If I continue to do the right thing, I will probably end up losing all contact with him. Remember too, that he has NO ONE in Australia, no other friends, no family and soon no workplace. It will leave him totally under her control and no one else to watch out for him. I was hoping to keep in contact once a month by email. Just Christmas card stuff that his wife could see too, just to know that he is OK. You can't go from loving someone to not caring about them. I still care about his physical and mental well being. I would be so happy if I knew he was here on the forum somewhere getting help from you guys.

But, by following your instructions, he'll either see my goodness and allow (or fight to have) a monthly email connection or he will disappear totally from my life after the 30th June.

I guess it is up to him... I'll stay good.

Gracias amigos

Z.

[quirkywords]

Z

hi just wondering how you are going?

How did the application for the email connection go?

What is happening to help you move on with your life?

Take care

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Just letting you know I haven't forgotten you Z. Hope all is relatively OK and life is going on...as it tends to do.

A married man I know (that I told you about) did disappear from the"other woman's" life completely....for about 15 years. Seeing his handwriting on an envelope to the "interfering friend" who did a search and put them in touch with each other was the most amazing experience for her.

Just seeing his writing - so you can imagine her nervousness when she heard that knock on the door, knowing he was standing on the other side of it!! I hope everything will turn out OK for you...and that you find someone wonderful - just as wonderful as him. I think you will.

[Zenobia]

Dear dear all,

Thank you for thinking of me while I was 'away'. As you can imagine, a lot has happened. When I asked that his wife no longer accost me at work I got the most horrible threatening email! I was so shocked and he not only defended his wife's right to visit him at work, he said she had done nothing he did not approve of! He also stated that he would ruin my career and reputaion by filing a complaint with HR if i did not stop sending emails that were not work related. Can you imagine the horror, anger and hurt that this additional betrayal added?

I sought legal advice and was told that there is no harassment issue and that it was personal. I did my best to avoid any further confrontations with him until Monday week ago.

On that Monday, his wife came to lunch. He greeted her with a kiss and spent the whole time being affectionate with her out in the communal garden area. I can't tell you how that felt. I was jealous but also so angry that he could be so insensitive to how it might make me feel. After lunch I confronted him and told him how cruel it was and reminded him how jealous he was when I merely spoke friendly to another man or colleague.

He told me that his counsellor had instructed them to have a friendly intimate lunch at the work place where the 'bad stuff' had happened. This is another scene where the counsellor did not consider the effect of the other party involved. Could they not forsee what it would do to me?

Anyway, I told him I had a 36 page response breaking no laws to his vicious disgusting email but he begged me not to send it because it will stir everything up with his wife. Again I feel like I have to protect him at the expense of myself. All I want to do is defend my self from those allegations and lies. It tells me though that despite him saying how much he loves his wife, that things are still so volatile there.

Anyway, I decided not to send it.

Last friday, our work place shut down for the last time. He did not say anything nice to me, not one kind word. Ignored me, offered contact and friendship to everyone else, but looked at me and shook his head and said I was allowed zero contact forever! Apparently, receiving an email once a month would be like getting that annoying visit from the 'mother-in-law'...

Anyway, i am now forced to move on but knowing now that I will never see him again, or speak or text or email, has reopened all the hurt.

Thank you all but truth be told, i know i will be OK.

Zen x

[Zenobia]

Dearest Croix,

I am sorry I went too far.

Zen x