I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Cornstarch]

Thanks for your encouraging words re: my friend. I've lived it for real before, and helped my Mum through the traumatic grief, so yes, I know at the end of the day you can't be with someone 24/7 and it's not my fault but......its a very painful type of grief. I'm still not 'over it'. None of us are.

I just think that you need to put yourself and your health first and that it's alarming that these feelings arose. Easy to sit here and preach, when I'm not in the firestorm of feeling rejected. And as I said, some people just get under our skin and drive you bonkers with the emotional grasp they seem to have you for no logical reason.

But from what you've written, they as a couple, have clearly sorted what is and is not acceptable contact between you guys, otherwise he wouldn't have asked if his wife could read the letter. They seem to be on a path together, that a lot has been discussed and that they know what each others boundaries are.

What that means for you is, I think you should devise your own plan for yourself on how to move forward. And it will definitely involve putting yourself back out there, in the world, meeting new, available people.

I am absolutely determined to tell my Mum now about my indiscretion after seeing that up there in lights. I must release this contraction and shame in my heart. She'll wanna know why it took so many years to tell her. That's the heat I must take for my mistakes I guess.

Good luck. Be safe.

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

Corny is amazing and has gret insight. I always feel gain when I think about what she says.

This is not a serious post, writing to see how you are getting on. Weekends can be too still at times. Thinking of one's situation too can taxing if continuous.

So tell me, if you would not mind, what are your distractions and how is your daughter?

Croix

[Zenobia]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for checking in, kinda wish we could all meet but then that would defeat the huge gain we have from anonymity and safety to speak what we really feel. Who knows, maybe we have met out there in the real world. Maybe you were that wonderful gentleman who tried to helpmwhen my daughter collapsed at the ballet. Boy that broke my heart. Still does. All she wanted was a night out after being stuck at home for weeks with only medical appointments to look forward to. My sister loves the ballet and once a year she gets us all cheap wing seats where you can only see half the stage. So having had dinner first, my beautiful daughter was struggling to walk becuase of pain in her joints. We get to the opera house and the sudden warmth in there and her exhausted state saw her collpase. It really brought home her fragility and here I am selfishly missing my love and she is missing out on LIFE. I have so much to learn from her and it is my mission to make her as happy as possible.

I will put HIM on the backburner and focus on her - she makes it very difficult though because she is fiercely independent.

Gotta go... the chips!

Love Z

[Zenobia]

I also saw the counsellor again yesterday and she did give me a few insights into what might be going on in his brain, but I am exhausted. So so worn out. Thinking about him brings me only pain and yesterday he managed to hurt me more. I actually feel that if i write what happened yesterday, I'll never be able to forget it and I so want to forget.

I told the counsellor and as well as some insights, she showed me some meditative tricks to calm me when I feel that tightness in my chest that squeezes more and more. I feel it starting again now and don't want to give it anymore energy. I will do my absolute best to walk away from him... for now. I really can't say the words forever - I'm not ready yet...

So today I stayed in bed all morning, felt the weight of loneliness and depression and then got up and did what had to be done - housework.

Mundane activities can be therapeutic too with the added benefit of actually doing something. Unfortunately I also had to go through the stuff from one of my desks at work. We are all losing our jobs at the end of next month and yesterday we had to say good bye to one of our beloved colleagues. So yesterday was pretty shitty.

Today I am much calmer but there is no happiness. I will grab calmness with both hands for now and just keep going.

Thanks Croix x

[Doolhof]

Hi Zenobia,

Keeping myself busy is something that really helps me. I have just been out in the garden pulling up weeds and trimming bushes, it is great therapy for me. Like you mentioned, finding something that can provide you with a sense of achievement, housework and gardening included can help to boost our mood, even if just a little.

I'm really sorry to read about what is happening at your work place. My husband had much the same in the industry he was working in. Thankfully he had hobbies and interests to help him though the really tough time of adjustment while he was between employment.

When you need to go to bed for hours, would listening to music or reading a book help with the feelings of loneliness and depression? I sometimes grab an extra pillow and cry into that, tears can be very healing.

Hope the meditative tricks help you as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Croix]

Dear Zenobia~

I know very well this is easy for me to say:- If it was me I'd find the job loss terrible and frightening, but there would be tiny seed of relief that the possibility of continuing with this person was going to become even more remote.

There is something I can talk about that is more sensible. I use an app called Smiling Mind. It takes practice but has helped me quite a lot when I too have felt that tightness in my chest that squeezes more and more or an inability to handle things.

Mrs Dools speaks sense - as usual

Croix

[Zenobia]

Mrs D it makes me sad that their are so many of us hurting!

I know, in my head, that I will heal and I so want everyone here to heal too. You all provide such gentle kindness and support. Mrs D, if I had a magic wand I would make your pain go away.

I too love working in my garden as it doesn't need me. I go out to tame it and keep it the way I want it but it asks nothing from me but water in the summer. It means that when I am out there my thoughts can relax - usually. But now i just cry out there... it reminds me of him!

Maybe next weekend...

Thanks Mrs D x

[Zenobia]

Oh Croix,

The hesitancy and care with which you try to talk sense into me is touching.

I know that nothing will be the same again and nothing I planned for my future will ever come to fruition. I also know that my heart can't accept it yet. I figure that as long as my head tells me the sensible truth I will be able to make safe decisions even though my obsessive heart wants me to do things that are not sensible but understandable.

I keep focussing on being the better person.... not to give in to the desire for revenge.

The counsellor sent me to yoga nidra and insight timer apps to help me wind down and sleep

Take care my friends

"After all..tomorrow is another day"

Z

[Doolhof]

Hi Zenobia,

Feelings of revenge, regret, bitterness, unmet dreams...goodness me they are tough aren't they! Forgiveness is something that I have had to learn over the years and letting go of dreams that have not come to fruition.

These days I try to make dreams that are achievable. I also have wild dreams as well that will only happen if I win a million dollars, those are okay too, if we stop dreaming, I feel we loose part of ourselves.

Regarding your garden, I am sorry it makes you think of him. Is there something you can change in your garden? If you have a chair or bench out there, can you move it to a different part of the garden so you have a different view?

In my garden I have created a little sanctuary for myself. It is a new place in the garden, a space for me. I have a plastic chair I move to different places as well for a new view.

I was watching a show on tree houses, I would love a platform in a tree so I could have abetter view of the sunset.

Going back to revenge for some people it may be a way of curing the soul, for others it can leave lasting pain and an empty feeling. I understand the urge, I have also experienced the consequences in myself and others.

Hope you stay strong, that each day brings a little healing and you can once again open your heart, mind and soul to the beauty that is around you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Zenobia]

Mrs D are you like a 110 years old?

Your wisdom is heart warming.

My garden only knew him briefly but he loved it! He was excited by every bloom, loved the wildness of the native patch down the back, the weeds growing in my gutters, the patches of wild daisies in the lawn that I mowed around. He took photos, found the whole place inspiring. I live on bushy outskirts and he has only a suburban townhouse plot. So eventually I know the memory of his face and enthusiasm will fade but for now... he is intertwined with everything.

I am not ready to dream or ready to think I could possibly be happy like that again but I have decided, from listening to all the advice here,that I will not close my eyes to the possibility. It's just so hard to believe that in my 50 years of life I have had two amazing love stories and they both ended so sharply and prematurely, they were so short lived and there was 25 years between them... I will be ancient before my next love if my life sticks to that trajectory.

I remember those 25 years. They are not quite lonely because you have family, friends and work, but to share your soul, your spirit, your ideas, dreams you didn't know you had, that's what is missing. I don't want to die without having it long enough to get a chance to actually realise a dream, make a plan a reality, be able to look back together at what we have achieved.

I guess I feel jealous that my parents had that love, they had that enduring true love and I believed it to be normal. I expected to have it too. Reality is, the universe doesn't owe us this and many many people never get to experience it.

Is it better to have experienced it and have it taken away or better to have just travelled along satisfied but not particularly inspired with life?

The way I feel now, definitely wish I had never had it.

Anyway, today I felt better. I did not have that anger or even an iota of desire for revenge...perhaps the savage beast has gone (or sleeping in its cave regrouping).

My dreams at the moment are to help wind down our workplace and assist as many staff as possible to find another job, offer moral support and boost their spirits a little. It always helps your own soul when someone else is thankful for your help and kindness. I am looking for another job and I guess that's my short term goal- and to get through my first interview tomorrow.

Thanks Mrs D x

Zenobia