I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia · ‎25-04-2017

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

white knight · ‎12-05-2017

Hi Zenobia

I was 26yo when an older man told me "you know you can fall in love with one in twenty people"?

I didnt believe him. I'd been living on and off with a lady I adored 7 years my senior for 6 years. She had a little boy I loved. Sadly the lady had psychiatric issues. She left me once or twice a week...for 6 years!

Anyway the relationship lasted one more year. Then I left. I got married, had kids, split after 11 years. Met another and lived with her for 10 years.

One day 2008, I drove past the lady I lived with all those years ago. Her son when he made 27yo took his life. The boys father had passed away. I took that lady out for dinner.

Thete was no spark, it was totally different than over 20 years ago.

I then dated my best friend. We married in 2011. It is deeper more committed live than my original love.

I'm firmly of the view you can find stronger love with greater commitment. Furthermore, when little contact happens with an ex, we tend to fantacise with that past relationship, thinking it was better than it was.

Dont give up on love. In fact the sooner you go on a date the better, even lunch at a cafe with a friend you have interest in.

Tony WK

quirkywords · ‎12-05-2017

Zenobia

You are heading in the right direction by starting counselling. remember sometimes it takes a while to make a connection with the counsellor. Hope it went well. Tony has offered some sound advice as usual.

No one knows what the future holds that's why it is so exciting to see what happens.

Take care

quirky

ro63 · ‎12-05-2017

Hi Z, what a day you had wow ,you handled it with style im sure, his wife turning up at work and LETTING him have his own phone back ,and being able to go to work all by himself ,Hmmm, sounds more like a prison warden to me. and Insulting you .but you did find your armour and your strength, in the face of major confrontation ,you did so well ,and as croix said you will find love again and you will be the stronger for it,I hope the counselling goes well Im sure it will be good to really let it all out.All my very best for tomorrow ,Ross.

Zenobia · ‎18-05-2017

Not sure anymore about anything really...

Spoke to the counsellor and that was pretty much me just telling her my story and balling my eyes out. Another session tomorrow... see how we go.

Worked with him twice since then. Actually got to tell him how much he hurt me. All he can say is that he is sorry, acknowledges I am the victim and that he did everything wrong. Somehow that made me furious!

We were able to talk about the night I did nearly take my life. The night before I found this forum .The night before you all saved my life.

You know, he does care but somehow it hurts more that he cares and I am rejected than if he was a total bastard and just used me. That is the person you can despise. But how do you despise the person who does still want to be your friend but says he can't because his counsellor does not believe we can be friends and he still stay married to his wife.

I KNOW i should just say goodbye.... I know that. I've seen all the stuff that says he just isn't worth it. But I think he IS worth it.

Just an update dear lifesavers.

Trying to put the Zen back into Zenobia

PS. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your last post Ross, I know you're right and had no heart to reply.

ro63 · ‎19-05-2017

Hi Zen, It is so true when you said it would be so much easier to hate him if he was terrible and I understand your frustration and pain that he isn't ,I am glad you went to a counsellor , and it may take a few sessions ,but i think that will be a good thing to really talk it all through, and it will be cathardic, and you will grow from this ,A guy i have been watching on you tube and i listen to his podcasts also Geoff thompson who has been through all sorts of personal struggles and beaten all his fears ,and as he says there is no comfort in growth, which i know is all good and well to say, especially as it really hurts ,but it is how we grow and become strong ,you are getting stronger that's why it hurts and you WILL emerge much stronger than you can imagine, you have started doing the work and that is the biggest battle,I hope the counselleling goes well I'm sure it will ,we are all thinking about you, and are here for you anytime, please know that ,All my very best Ross.

Moonstruck · ‎19-05-2017

Dear Zenobia

You don't have to despise him. and he doesn't have to be "worthless" for you to manage this and come out the other side. if you honour and respect his decision about his marriage (however misguided it maybe) give him the space and privacy to work this out for himself and his wife - if so he will continue to respect and love you as much as I feel he did! Whether he can act upon his feelings for you in the future as a free man, no one knows.

It will be to your benefit in the long run if you try not to let it "turn ugly". Of course you want to say rotten horrible things to him - he's hurt you terribly - he knows that.

Of course it would help to see him as "not worth it" and able to despise him. But you and I know, you cannot do that - at least not now. As I said in an earlier post, I am very familiar with your situation - the married man and the "other woman" (she also had to respect his decision and leave him to the privacy of his marriage). Most "other women"know this is quite on the cards when they sign up for such a relationship. this married man was "worth it" too. She couldn't despise him - he was the "great love of her life - MGM movie type stuff"

After many years of not being part of each other's lives - they found each other by accident - and now the closest of friends - (yes he did eventually leave his marriage) people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

You will survive this -much love.....x

Cornstarch · ‎19-05-2017

Dear Zenobia,

I am some random women sitting in her bedroom reading this section of the forum feeling utterly perplexed and downright useless to anyone and everything especially middle-age-ish women.

You need to remember first and foremost the section of this website where you have posted.

Your health and safety has to be #1 at all times! I don’t care how wonderful this person is and how
close the connection was, they are not worth this; no-one is. You’re life is too precious. Your focus with your counsellor has to centre around why it has sparked such an extreme response in you and not why he chose his wife over you.

And to be perfectly blunt I see potential vulnerability in all 3 people in this situation to just snap or brake, which ever comes first.

Their co-dependent relationship is bewildering to you and because it has involved abuse you cannot understand what on earth he sees in her. You can see how low his self esteem is and how controlling his wife is and
conclude that there are no love feelings there. But there may very well be.

Who knows what has gone on behind closed doors and you may only have part of the story. Maybe he has done things in the relationship he is deeply ashamed of, and so has his wife, and trying again is some sort of redemption. If his wife has turned into the mother that she cannot stand and hates herself for it, she has to work through those emotions with her therapist. I doubt she’s proud of that.

I awoke early this morning after a terrible sleep to a text message from a friend telling me that she feels exactly this way right now, and she had almost completed it another certain way recently. My Dad went this way
so my brain shifted into ‘D’, and no it wasn’t ‘drive’, and it took me an hour and 45 minutes to text her mother, that’s what an astoundingly competent human being I am in these situations. I have absolutely no memory of what I did for that hour and 45 minutes. I have changed my t-shirt 3 times today.

Please put your health and safety first.

Love and hurt makes children of us all, there is nothing to be ashamed of with regard to the intensity of your emotions. The whole situation sounds very sad for everyone. But I would walk away.

Zenobia · ‎19-05-2017

Hey moonstruck, cornstarch and ross,

All your advice is so sensible, I know it is and you pre-empted a question I was going to ask even though I knew the answer.

my counsellor recommended I write him a letter and understood that I needed a quiet sit down meeting with him so I could ask him all the questions that are spiraling through my head all day and night long.

After a long week where fate through us together several times, I told him my need so that I could move on. He asked if his wife could read the letter. I said that would hurt her. So that meant he would not accept any letter as eveything between he and his wife is completely open. And therefore, no meeting. I stated the meeting didn't have to be a secret. Nothing was going to happen i just want to know what happened. Apparently all my pain, everything we had together and subsequent health issues are not worth him fighting for one small concession to me.

How angry I was. .. all thoughts of vengeance went through me. I knew I wouldnt act on it but boy I wanted, still want, to. But it is poisonous and will actually serve no good purpose and I do want to be a good person in this world.I can however understand the impulse to resort to revenge now though.

Take care all, hoping for an uneventful weekend and boy I would love to just sleep

z.

Zenobia · ‎19-05-2017

Cornstarch,

I have no experience or any idea of how to tell you not to beat yourself up over your loss of time and inability to act. We all would love to be able act appropriately when we are put on the spot, from something so trivial as "when so and so said this, I should have said that" or I should have done this when that happened.

We can't live thinking about what we should have done. We can only hope that we say, next time I will do this... and hopefully we have absorbed that knowledge so we can act on it more spontaneously. Even new knowledge like that needs reinforcing and most humans need to be in a situation several times before it is cemented and becomes a natural action.

Thank you for your support and it does not serve you or the universe to be so hard on yourself 🌻

Zenobia

Cornstarch · ‎19-05-2017

It's completely natural to feel angry because you're feeling used. You're feeling like you were there to plug a hole because the physical intimacy in his marriage had disappeared for whatever reason.

I slept with a married women once. It's the worst thing I have ever done. I'm not proud of it. I am so ashamed. I've told all of my friends and my siblings but I must admit that I am a bit of a coward because if I was tough I would have told my Mum! I have not told my Mum. It's her birthday today, what-do-ay-think? We didn't have an affair, we only had sex twice and then it was over but I was a plug. She used me.

Some affairs break marriages, but some affairs refurbish them.

It sounds like he is prioritising his wife in every regard and the trust issues in their marriage run deep.

It's one thing to have an affair, it's another thing to tell someone that you love them. He instilled hope inside of you by saying that, and then he disappeared. It's no wonder that you feel crazy. I would. Do people really throw those words around that lightly?

I think most people throughout their life have one or two people that come along and we just feel Voodoo-ed by them. They cast spells. Maybe that's what love is. We can't control it, it's non-sensical, it goes against our better judgment, and it just seems to come out of nowhere.

It sounds like he is your Voodoo Zenobia. So don't apologise or feel silly. Love and hurt makes children of us all.

But there's one thing........I'm just worried that his wife is his Voodoo....................

Put your mental health first as best as you can, you're doing a great job.