Dear Croix,
Thanks for directing me back. I did reread it and actually read them all again after I felt attacked. I think that is why, although bothered by it all, I was able to fight it rather than turn into a miserable victim. My avatar was something I found online to go with Zenobia, the admirable strong intelligent fair Queen of Palmyra. Someone who can only inspire strength and resilience. This avatar shows so much power, independence and strength, something I find is coming back to me a little every day.
I still have this problem of obsessive thoughts. I just can't stop thinking about him. Every single second. During every activity, somehow everything I see, do, watch, read comes straight back to him. The ache is still so much there and as with grief, it is hard to conceive that life still goes on, like normal for everyone else.
My father must be feeling that now as I did when my hubbie died. I looked around at the world while I walked like zombie, couldn't understand that people still went to work, shopping, put fuel in their cars...my husband was dead and the world just carries on like normal. After the funeral, with invisible grief in their hearts, they went back to their homes, to their lives.... mine had changed forever. Everytime for about three months, if a car pulled up outside, our baby toddled to the door "dadad, dadad...."
The rest of the world continues, those closest to the deceased, those living with them every day, put on a brave face and try to do the same. It was sixteen years before I accepted a date again. And now, a second real love came in to my life and again it is gone.
I take hope from you suggesting it might come again. Perhaps it will... perhaps it won't. But life still goes on, and sometimes on and on and on.
I will not say never again because I know life has a way of surprising you, of making you think,"well who would have thunk?" Coincidences and wonderful moments make life worth it.
If I need strength and inspiration, I need not look any further than the courage and optimism my daughter shows every single day as she struggles to take a breath some days.
With genuine love and gratitude, I thank you all here, (even broken biscuit blues for showing me that I will meet opposition still but will be able to cope with it) for all your sharing, support and inspiration and it doesn't feel like empty platitudes.
BTW, it was Gilmore Girls for me tonight...
😃 Zenobia x
