Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

Well I suppose you learn alot about a person when they leave you suddenly.
I have had various people calling this week to tell me how glad they are that he is out of my life.... I couldn't understand it at first but then all the stories of his inappropriate behaviour with female work colleagues has come out.
We had over our marriage 2 incidents with 2 different women at his work. One we went to couselling about 7 uears ago and the other was a different incident which he swore was nothing and it was a mistake that a women in the officr sent him a picture of her boobs one morning! Looks like it wasn't an accident. So many stories now coming out.
I am not interested if he batted an eye lid or flirted or slept with one of them to me its all a betrayal of my marriage and he should be ashamed pf himself.
After almost 20 years in the same employment the comments have been they are all glad he is gone and it should have happened earlier.
I have been really low but I habe decided enough is enough. I will ome day meet a nice man who will treat me with respect
I will raise my boys to he faithful gpod humans.
My father in law cheated numerous times with women that my husband was aware of... looks like the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

I know it can't be easy learning about your husband's inappropriate behaviour at work. I'm really sorry you have to go through this in top of everything else.

You certainly deserved better. I've been married thirty years and I'm with you--the behaviour, no matter how far it went--was a betrayal.

Are you planning to talk to your husband about it? Or does it inspire you to close the door and quickly move on?

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

The more I learn the more it inspires me to close the door and move on. I dont deserve it.
He can lay in the bed he has made for himself.
I was forever faithful and only ever had eyes for my husband. Never looked sideways at another man.
I have asked him and he continues to deny anything else happened although what has come out I find hard to not take notice of.
Last week I slept better a couple of nights and I am just keeping busy and looking after my boys who always keep me busy.
The way I see it.... I have a family who loves me... 2 gorgeous boys who love me and I adore them.... great friends... a new caravan to make memories with my loved ones ... sporting community who respect and love both the boys and I... a lovely home and a great job. I have to not worry about the fact I have no husband.
One day I will meet a fantastic man who respects me enough to stay around and grow old together.
I have now lost over 55kg and my life is so much better at my new weight. I can enjoy the beach and activities with my boys.
No point looking what I don't have.... better to keep focused on what I do have.
How are you going? How are your children?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

I loved reading your last post. I think you are thinking clearly and spot on.

As hard as it may be to hear, you finding out about his behind-the-scene antics has shifted the balance of power your way. He is no longer in control, leaving you. You are in control, after evaluating the situation and not wanting him back.

I am really supportive of you and I know you will find another partner. Every ending is actually a new beginning and you can embrace this and find new life, love and interests.

I'm well, still missing my friend. But I've been busy reconnecting with others who have drifted, which makes me feel better, and been looking in on the husband she left behind. I know she's watching and smiling down.

Kids are good, in particular my daughter's health is great. OCD is a condition that she has learned to managed and, while it flairs from time-to-time, at present things are good. My two are back to university in a month's time and a new, yet familiar, life cycle will begin.

Kind thoughts to you

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
Respect to you Jayne. Glad to see that u are looking after yourself and positive about what you do have. There will be someone out there to share your life. And in the meantime I think u are kickin goals.
I've increased my exercise and am keeping busy. Back at work now.
I live my life, for me and the kids. Got some goals underway. House should be sorted soon.

[Jayne106]

Busy is the key to keeping my sanity.
So glad you are also keeping busy. It is a good way to move forward.
I am hoping to start some gym work. My boys have been setting up a gym at home so we can all train together.
Looking forward to heading away on the weekend.
Our lives even are so much fuller and calming ... we sit and talk everyday... we watch movies... go away on weekends... redesigning the house... big conversations at dinner time and they are helping out more and more. So protective of their mum it is hard to remember they are growing into young men. My heart bursts at how lucky I am.
He never ever sat back to think how much we all loved him and all we wanted was his presence and instead he took off and left not only me his boys but we will learn each ajd every day something out of this and at the moment it is how important it is to talk and be present in the moment

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
Just checking in.
I'm doing good at the moment. Hardly cry at all. Over the worst. My fitness is going great. Got some hikes and kayaking planned....but let's see what happens.
Uncertainty for everyone right now with this COVID19.
Hope you and your family are well and stay safe.
Love to hear how your doing?
MO2TG

[Jayne106]

Hi
Sorry I haven't been on for sometime. So busy with work and everything changing with the virus.
I have been ok.... I havent cried as much until this week and it has been very hard.
I miss him like crazy in ways and then in other ways I am just so angry with him for doing this.
He has broken me. My personality has changed and my heart aches daily. It seems to beat so fast some nights I am unsure what to do. Tonight is one of those nights. I am so lonely without him here next to me.
My boys have been betonf amazing and I am truly blessed. They have no interest in seeing him and he has made no contact so our lives revolve around each other.
I am so glad you are doing better and have planned so many things. That is exciting for you and definately keep me posted how you are going.
He will never ever understand the hurt he left behind for him to start fresh and be happy whilst I break each and every day
The songs on the radio... movies.... watching people hold hands and being out with friends as the single when you were all couples before.
I will be ok as I tell myself each and every day I can do this.... my I am kidding myself but I will try

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Great to hear from you.
This pandemic is surreal almost. Thankfully I have work and am very busy with business changes. I think of all those sacrificing, not by choice for me to go to work. But Australia is doing great so far I plan to tip big when this is over, I don't take the discounts and I don't request free coffee. I can pay for them. I am ordering takeaway from local cafes and restaurants. I am spending my money at the small stores and supporting local business where I can.

I feel that u understand how much harder COVID makes our day to day. I'm closed up here with memories. I was as doing ok but regressed alot in the last month.
I got on the rollercoaster believing ... and he keeps changing his mind. Tells me he loves me but can't be near me. Has to force himself to see me. No one ever wants to hear those words. Nothing quite like a pandemic to make u realise the only person u can depend on is yourself.
He harbours great resentment and anger at me and at himself over our child's suicide attempt. He can only look at me and see my faults. It's the same tune over and over. Why dont I get it....ppl.who read this must think I'm pathetic.
Having a bad couple of days.
Have booked an appointment with my counsellor. I know i need to move forward on my own..i have been trying and trying. It's so bloody hard. It feels ....too much. Then social isolation made me realise I don't see many ppl anyway. But all plans for a new.start derailed with cancellations.
He is ready to see new ppl make new friends. He has even left his kids..not just me. They may be teenagers but they still need to know their father cares and wants to invest time with them...He was a great dad now he's a shit one...the kids r really confused and hurt. Hell I'm still confused aabout it all. Bu that doesnt change anything.. it is this ...now. I get up cry have coffee cry go to work...hide crying..come home..cry ...do more work..cry while cooking. Meanwhile putting on a brave face for dinner. The kids know I'm hurting and they are to. Being tired makes all this incredibly overwhelming. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Wish I had something more heartwarming and positive but not today.
Thinking of u Jayne
night loneliness eats me up every night.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jayne and MO2TG. It's great to see you both offering such valuable support to each other. 
We're sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment MO2TG. It sounds like this week has been really exhausting and we can imagine it would have been so difficult to work feeling so awful. If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We'd also encourage you both to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time.  Please keep checking in with us on the forums whenever you feel up to it.