Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[MO2TG]

Thanks Summer Rose for those words. I do feel strong and I keep moving forward.
The love of my children and my family give me strength. Women I barely know and have never met give me support and strength to keep getting up.
It has been an awful weekend. Our talk did not go well. But it was necessary. He wants to officially separate. He has told the kids. He just said he didn't want to hurt us anymore and knows he needs help. He doesn't love me right now , he gets so angry around me. That anger i will not tolerate in my home.The positive out of all of this is he's one step closer to the help he so desperately needs. He's scared and he wants to run. I'm not letting him run, as my closest friend he knows i will support him to get better, do better.

[Jayne106]

Hi MO2TG
Sorry your talk wasn't great although as you stated it is another step closer to him getting the help he needs. I wish I knew my husband was getting help although I think he believes he can do it on his own and doesn't have a problem.
We are all very blessed to have each other at this extremely difficult time in our lives.
How were your children when he told them? Did he give them a reason why he was leaving?
I think the words are so true to say they feel scared of what they are feeling and it must be awful although my problem is he has told me he doesn't love me and whether I want to believe it or not this is his reason and I have to live with this.
Night time is getting worse and I wake every day at 3am or 4am and cant sleep. I dont go to bed til late and I try so hard to think of happy thoughts and other things and it all comes back to him. Knowing i am laying there completely in love with my husband and missing him like crazy yet he is in his new place most likely not even thinking of me or missing me is extremely heartbreaking ajd like torture with 1000 cuts. I feel like I am dealing with aftermath everywhere I turn.
I am still trying to work out what i have brought and not brought for the kids and I wander so much aimlessly. Trying to make a list each day of things I need to complete or I am going to find myself rocking in the corner. So lucky to have great family and friends but it isn't the same with my husband not here.

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne
Yeah sleep is the hardest. I wake very early as well. I wake thinking of the unfairness of it all. But life.isnt designed to be fair. I try very hard with self talk to get myself going.
Going to sleep in an empty bed is hard and lonely. I stay up LaTE.Sometimes to get to sleep quicker. I bunk down with my daughter to minimise the loneliness. But.also know they need positive parenting and not my grief.alone.
The kids were upset when their dad told them. One is an internaliser- so appears fine but may.mannifest in anger and irritability later. My other is upset and teary and just wants her dad back. Though they understand he needs to work on himself. He said that he cannot continue to stay and treat us badly. He needs to get better without us.
One step, one day at a time.
I do feel short changed about everything. But there is no platform for my voice when the other is rebuffing reasoning. This depression he cannot/ refuses to recognise is going to destroy him if he continues to ignore it.

[Chivebag]

Defenitely sounds like depression to me... Knowing what to say to someone who is depressed isn't always easy. While you may feel awkward and unsure at first, know that whatever you say doesn't have to be profound or poetic. It should simply be something that comes from a place of compassion and acceptance.

[Deja_Vu]

Hi I'm sorry for butting in. I had my similar issues with my depressed boyfriend.

Things like him cutting contact for a month a few times, him breaking up with me (which we always sorted out a few days after or he took it back the same day because he was feeling better), telling me he doesn't love me, doesn't care about me, doesn't want to talk to me. But he did and does love me and care about me and wants me around. I talked about these in my own thread and so this is all condensed. But I relate a lot to this thread.
Yesterday after being gone for 6 months he messaged me saying he had to move on. Because he wanted to start over. He told me that I was nothing but good to him and that he appreciates the time we had and that he wishes me nothing but the best but he has to move on. The week before he cut contact, he was very loving and supportive. Wanted to talk to me. Wanted me around. Adored me. A moment of clarity from his depression. I want him back.

"i hope everything is good for you please don't take this personally you never did anything wrong. I just cant think back to all the stuff that's happened in the last couple years and i just need to forget all of it and move on." So move on from everything even the good from that era and into a new period of life.

The last few years were horrible for him. Genuinely awful. Throw in severe depression, the relationship got caught in the crossfire. Colateral damage.
At least he said we're gonna keep contact as friends but it hurts so much. I know he is hurting too.

At least there is hope that we could try again when he's done some healing and dealt with his depression. Dealing with his depression was/is a massive struggle for me.

(I did start visiting a psychologist recently.)

[MO2TG]

Feeling overwhelmed and extremely sad. So i have let myself cry. It's hard to stop and focus.
I miss him terribly. The situation I am in feels very surreal. The situation is irrational, unjust and bizarre.
The things I keep telling myself are other ppl have been where I am and get through it. What i really want to hear is a happy ever after but i know in reality we have to make our own.
I guess I just want him to put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And he can't do that right now if ever again . Makes me so sad

[Jayne106]

I must admit I am feeling the same today. Very overwhelmed and sad today. I agree there is nothing I want more than for him to hold me close again. I miss his embrace so much that it is becoming unbearable.
Sleep is a rare thing nowadays and I feel like my stomach is constantly doing cart wheels.
Telling myself the same that other people have been through this and cope and move forward but at the moment I am stuck and as we keep saying nothing seems fair.
My doctor has been trying to help me and the medication is a start even though I haven't felt it working hooefully at some point it kicks in.
I feel like everything is spinning so fast and I just can't get it to stop and the empty bed of a night is heartbreaking.
I sometimes go to say something about the day and realise he isn't there and end up sobbing for hours. this morning I woke and sobbed and didn't want to get out of bed.
Everything is a reminder of him.
I try not to think about how he is and block it all out but it doesn't work.
Our friends have agreed nothing he has done seems in character of what he is normally like and they are stunned. Our mutual set of friends have been great support and they tell me everyday to keep working on myself. They admit what he has done is shit but nothing and no one can tell him. He believes what he has done is how he feels and best for him.
I just feel robbed that I got no chances and I feel dumped that you wouldn't try to work at a marriage after you have been with someone for 19 years.
I just honestly want to climb into bed and stay there!
Back to doctor next week and then hopefully I get to also have a appointment with the psychologist after that... the doctor is helping arrange it for me. My counsellor has been amazing and messages me when I can't get there.
Only 7 days of work left then I have 5 weeks of annual leave which i am happy to have some time away from work to gather myself although I know we will be missing having him on our family holiday
Just broken today

[Summer Rose]

Hi MO2TG

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. It's awful, I know.

A close and dear friend of mine died on Monday, so I am feeling really sad too--although for different reasons. I haven't seen her in a long time, no particular reason just life, but I feel an enormous amount of guilt.

My way of coping is to shift from feeling to doing. I am deliberately keeping busy (cleaned long neglected cupboards yesterday) and today getting back to the gym. I just feel like I have to move.

My heart is still broken but if I'm busy I somehow don't feel so bad.

I know this is a temporary fix, as the pain doesn't disappear, but it helps me to move through it. And that's what we have to do--keep moving through it until we reach some light.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

So sorry to hear about your friend passing. Such a sad time for you and I hope you are ok. Keeping busy most certainly does help in these situations.
The problem is keeping busy also is exhausting for me. I try hard to keep busy although I am so exhausted. So so tired. I never wake thinking wow i feel good today and refreshed. I am laying in bed now contemplating how to get up and start the day when i really just want to lay here and sob.
I saw him last night and it is so hard. I just want to give him a cuddle and have him hold me and there is nothing. He looks at me like he wants conversation but I know he must wants me to disappear.
He told the youngest he loves him as they were walking off the field and the youngest actually spoke and said love you too.
When we hopped in the car he told me he felt he had to say it. I asked why... he said he didnt mean what he said fully as doesn't feel it. So sad to hear that from him. I told him he should only say things he means although his dad does love him. He was upset and angry on the way home and I asked if he wanted to talk more but he refused.
My husband has no idea of the damage caused and I suppose his happiness without me is worth what has happened.
I am really so broken I just don't think I can do this.
My mum keeps asking why am I not happy after taking new medication... i have said it isn't a magic pill! I wish there was a magic pill but there isn't and I am entitled to feel like this surely. My world has fallen apart and my life has changed in a way i never expected.
I just want to close my eyes and not feel hurt and sorrow.

[MO2TG]

I'm trying so hard to move forward. And like you Jayne I am feeling broken. Everyone says it will get better to manage the pain and I do believe them. I imagine.myself 12 months from now and I know I will have moved forward by then.
Christmas shopping seeing all the happy couples and a man buying flowers brought me undone. I had to leave.
There is no more hope left now. I am on my own, I can do this this I knpw I can. Just Full of grief that it is not how I always assumed my life would be. The plans and dreams are are dust. I feel betrayed by the person I most loved in the world.
I tell myself that I can start over And maybe in the future there is someone out there that I am enough for.
Hard hard day but getting up and going to meet old friends.