Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Sorry I didn't see this last night. Did you manage to get any sleep?

Good luck with your appointment today. I really hope you get some good out of it.

[Quercus]

Hi again 😊

Just popping by to see how you're going. Hope you're feeling alright and the appointment was ok too.

Thinking of you Fiasco

[Fiasco]

Thanks Quercus. I'm still here. Will try to write more later. Having a hard time.

[Quercus]

Thanks for writing Fiasco. That is so difficult actually writing when you feel crap and need the support. If you feel able to vent please do so. It doesn't matter if it's random words even. If it helps one little bit to vent out anything at all go for it.

This is your safe place to do as you please. We are here for you and thinking of you. Take care Fiasco.

[Fiasco]

Issues with my eldest daughter - was missing from school the other morning (she's in prep), having constant meltdowns and very anxious. Husband blaming me. Big fight with him. Feeling like I've been trying so hard and every day is a struggle, and he has no idea. I keep the house running, look after the kids, do school run, do her homework with her, laundry, cooking blah blah don't need to tell you, you know all about it. Even getting groceries is a huge thing for me. But still I've been doing it. Feeling unappreciated and tired of it all. Yesterday marked 16 years of my husband and I being together. And instead of him being happy that dinner was made, house clean, is been doing yard work fixing chicken run all day and hurt my back). Taken kids to doctor etc etc and he just started this passive aggressive sulking until I forced him to tell me what was wrong, and he was disappointed I hadn't organised 'something special'! F me!!! I'm leaving out details and rambling and not making sense, but everything has been so hard and I've been trying so hard, and it doesn't even matter. Felt like a slap in the face. My hardest is not good enough. My kids would be better off without me apparently, and my husband doesn't even care how I feel.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Well that makes sense that you're overwhelmed!

I loathe the passive aggressive sulky thing. Hate it with a passion. As much as conflict makes me uncomfortable I'd rather get it all worked through and clear the air. For a long time I'd apologise. Now I just look at him and say ok I get that you're upset about something but it's pretty crap that I've cleaned the house and made you dinner and the first thing you do is walk in the door and get mad at me for something. So either talk or bugger off.

Is that something you'd do? Wait for the kids to go to bed and just the two of you go sit outside and hash it out? He needs to know you feel unappreciated and exhausted. And that it was a crappy thing to do to come and sulk (I mean how hard would it have been for him to organise something for you both?).

You'd know better than me (16 years!) that marriage is hard and both people have to want to make it work. It's not just on you to do all the work and keep him happy. You deserve to be happy and feel appreciated and his equal too.

As for your daughter going missing. Is she ok? If she's gone missing from school how is that your fault? If he's angry about that he needs to make an appointment with the school. And if you're both not happy with their response about her safety then you go from there. But it's not on you to manage everything. And you can't be held responsible for everything!

Feeling your frustration and exhaustion. Key thing is he's not a mind reader and might not even be aware how you're feeling. Time to have a big discussion I think about your needs. And whether he wants to make your marriage healthier. What do you think?

[Fiasco]

Thanks Quercus. He's aware lol. I made all my thoughts very clear! But the problem is that he just sits there mutely like a martyr and insists there's nothing wrong. I told him that wasn't helpful to anyone. Anyway, he knows how I feel.

Yes ny little girl is ok. But she's only 5, and I was already feeling uncomfortable leaving her. I've addressed all my issues with the school and they have spoken to the teachers involved and are working to improve their processes. I've been teaching for 12 years (high school), and one of our students was murdered in horrific circumstances. She was so young, and it still haunts me. I am terrified something will happen to my little girl. My husband said that my anxiety is making my daughter's worse (which I make huge efforts not to let affect her, so he hit a nerve with that comment). She is getting put onto a mental health plan now and we will hopefully all get some help and strategies for dealing with her anxiety (still sucks her thumb, refuses to walk around our own house by herself, screams herself to sleep because she doesn't want to die - been doing on since she was 3...). Add to this my 4 year old has been having seizures since she was 8 months old, and no wonder I am finding it hard to cope! Since their baby brother died last year everyone has found it hard to cope. Especially because then I spent most of the next 9 months in hospital away from my girls when they needed me. I know that losing him was my fault (don't talk me out of it - you know how guilt is). I was trying too hard to prove to everyone that I was super woman and could do everything (work full time, had a 2 year old and a 4 year old, added a 2nd storey to our house whilst still trying to live in it - even when it flooded and the ceiling collapsed and all hell broke lose). I should have known from all that's happened in the last 9 years that I need to be so careful when I'm pregnant. But I was an idiot. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my decisions.

[Quercus]

Oh Fiasco,

So much pain I don't know where to start. I'm not going to even touch the guilt thing (my friend had to deliver her stillborn baby last year and nothing can convince her she's not at fault... I learn to stop trying it just hurts her more). All I can say is I am so sorry you had to go through that and I hope one day you'll be able to accept you aren't at fault.

As for being away from your girls when they needed you... You're human. You have limits to what you can cope with. We all do. Yes I'm sure you don't forgive yourself for not being there but its better that you were in hospital than them losing their Mum. They will understand that in time.

It's a good thing that your five year old is getting some counselling too. Again it's not your fault she is anxious too. I'm a complete mess most days and my two are absolute ferals, confident and outgoing and don't seem to notice my nuttiness at all. So I figure there must be an aspect of genetic predisposition in it all as well.

Would hubby be open to couples therapy? It's worth a try if he doesn't talk and you are exhausted and need his support. Even if he doesn't want to participate maybe ask if he'd sit in on a session just to get a feel for what you're going through.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

Apologies again for not writing. Had some very full-on days and I get tired easily these days. One good thing, my pains are reducing.

I was so sad to read your last post. So many burdens to carry on your own, and you are alone when husband will not take his share. You must have had a hell of a fright when your daughter was missing. It's good you were able to talk to the school principal and get some changes made. I'm sure the murder of the high school girl would have horrified and traumatised everyone in the school.

So many tragedies in your life so far and yet you are coping. You are one strong lady. Does your other daughter have many seizures? I used to work with people who had epilepsy. Their seizures could be most unexpected and many were caused by external events,sudden loud noise for example. Does this happen with your daughter?

When my last baby was born my eldest son had measles. He was quite sick and I was attending to him in the night when my waters broke. They do say timing is everything. So not much I could do except trundle off to hospital. I have always felt bad about that because he was so unwell, but my sane mind asks what else could I do. Unfortunately feeling guilty is not banished by logic.

How did you go with your psychology appointment? I hope you managed to attend it. Just wondering how you feel and if all went well.

Some people do not realise all the effort you need to put in to keep your home clean and tidy, cook meal etc. It's a bit naughty I know but I wonder what he would say if you suggested he took a week off work and did all the housework and childcare while you were away for the day.

May I ask, has your five yo become anxious since the baby's death? I ask because usually small children do not have much comprehension of death. I ask because when my then five yo granddaughter's cat died, she was upset but more worried about how the cat would breathe with all the soil over him and how would he eat. My daughter said it was quite difficult to explain to her. Perhaps when she sees the psychologist she will get some solid help.

I would love to say something wonderful and inspiring for you, but I do not have the words. I really hope your psych is able to help you.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Thank you Mary.

im glad you are feeling slightly better. It can make a lot of difference to how you feel mentally when you're in less pain.

we're lucky because my younger daughter doesn't have epilepsy or a seizure disorder - she's had every test under the sun and seen the best neurologist or similar in our state apparently. They tell me her brain isn't being negatively affected and that she can seize for 30 min without me having to worry about damage (but after 3 min I always call an ambulance- watching a baby/toddler/preschooler have a seizure that progressively gets worse is so scary, especially as her mum. Apparently it's a condition called breath holding - an involuntary condition where the trigger creates a situation where they can't breathe. Most commonly they just pass out and then come to again, but her lack of oxygen to the brain causes seizures. Apparently 25% of kids have it (I'd never heard of it) and grow out of it by around 4, and usually don't have seizures. The first time she did it was when she was 8 months old - I turned around for a second to help my then 2 year old, and when I turned back she was on the floor, blue, unresponsive and not breathing. I thought she was dead. But I kept calm for the sake of mh other daughter. They thought it was a febrile convulsion, but then it started happening all the time, worse and worse and more frequently. As she got older, people would say she was doing it deliberating to get what she wanted. 1. After she woke from a seizure she was inconsolable and terrified and then slept for hours - defiantly never getting what she wanted! 2. Can a baby really hold their breath willingly to manipulate adults?

have you ever seen a little baby get ready for a huge cry? They suck in and in and then WAHHHHHH!!!! Well, it's like my daughter's body gets stuck in the breathing in/breath holding bit and never gets to cry. It's like watching someone choke or suffocate. I stopped going out of the house because she would hurt herself when she fell to the floor and it was all too hard. Anyway, touch wood she hardly has them now, and I'm always hoping this one will be her last. She hasn't had a severe seizure for ages. But 'being calm' all those years seems to have taken its toll. I was running on adrenaline, but now that she's getting better I'm getting worse.