I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BenignSky]

Hey again,

I guess this is just my place to vent and hope that someone finds whatever I say useful or meaningful in some way. I want everyone to know that you're not alone in how you feel.

Do you ever feel like you're in a fishbowl? That you're not experiencing anything but just kind of existing and watching everyone else around you? That no one would notice if you were to disappear?

It's a pretty weird and horrible feeling, isn't it?

Do you ever get ridiculously lonely as well? Do you ever become dependent on people? Do you ever fall in love with the right people, wrong time? Or wrong people, right time?

I've never felt so isolated before. I didn't know you could lose everything. I didn't know you could feel so detached and unloved so quickly. Is it just me?

I feel so insignificant sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the people around me are too good for me, that they deserve better, that I'm not enough and never will be.

You want to cry and hurt everyone and break everything you come into contact with - but you want to love and be happy and mend the things you've broken.

Its so confusing.

I wish I had someone I could always count on. I wish I didn't have to make the first effort to talk to everyone. I just want someone to care and mean it. I don't want to be played anymore.

i want a hug.

i want to be happy.

i just want to mean something to someone, anyone who will have me.

i hate this. This constant battle between your mind and reasoning. It's not like people don't care about me - I'm sure they do, I just....nothing will ever be enough for me, will it?

[white knight]

Hi benignsky, welcome

I'm much older, 61 ,but I've had this internal conflict similar to yours.

It was a moral fight. I issued parking fines onto a politicians car. I was told the next day to cease doing so by my boss. I thought "too bad, unemployed and pensioners have to pay their fines so can he".

Eventually I had a panic attack and never worked in that profession again.

I went to therapy. He taught me that life is not so black and white, that people have various shades of grey. This means that theoretically you will always fall out with everyone because your only moral compass is your own!. Other people have a different moral compass and they think they have the tight moral standards compared to you.

My therapist taught me that turning a blind eye and I would have kept my job. But in order to not do what I was directed to doThere was an alternative. I could have told my bosd "I dont agree with that so how about you patrol that street and I'll do the others".

So, in your case friend "b" had made the decision to lie to "a". Thats between them. Its not a decision you would make but "a" isnt your boyfriend.

This is basically not getting too involved in others relationships.

And going to the teacher is only if safety or bullying etc js happening.

Now time us your only healer. Allow time to fix it all and nurture your friendships. You might well be of good moral standing but to a point whereby you are seen as disloyal to friends.

There is a middle ground in order to keep friends.

In the meantime take a break from social media to let it all die down. What you cant read wont hurt you.

It'll be fine in a few weeks.

Tony WK

[ahw309]

Hey Em,

So much of what you've written in your posts (here and in the Friends Cafe) makes me wonder whether you've been reading my mind hahaha because a lot has really resonated with me, and I'm sure with many others here too.

Tony WK has given some good advice. Relationships of any kind are so hard, and the situation you're in sounds really difficult. I really admire your courage and genuine care for others. My morals always win too...

I know this probably doesn't mean anything as I'm just this random online stranger who doesn't even know you, but you do mean something to me. And by the way, I love reading your posts - I think you're a pretty damn amazing person.

Not quite as good as a real one, but can I send a virtual hug? or two?

[BenignSky]

Hey Tony,

Thanks for the warm welcome, too, greatly appreciated.

Yeah, I get what you mean, and I appreciate your advice, it's just really hard, you know, when you're watching someone get berated by people you call your friends. And it's almost considered guilt by association in this respect, so a lot of stuff has been said about my friendship group. It's petty and silly and nothing to worry about; just sucks because I've lost all my friends...again...because I'm an idiot...

Bullying has been happening against this girl. They planned attacks on her as a group, then went about and posted stuff about her or messaged her privately as individuals. It was getting too much and I could see it was having a horrible impact on her. I don't like people being hurt...and if that's the case then those other people aren't friends I want in my life.

I'm giving social media a rest because I just can't deal with life anymore. I have no motivation to go to work, complete homework, school, gym, make an effort with friends and family - I just want to sleep, stay in bed.

Thanks again for your advice, and I appreciate you reading my long posts haha. And 61 isn't old, shhh.

- Em

[BenignSky]

Hey, ahw,

I'm glad what I've been saying hasn't made me sound insane and other people know what I'm talking about haha. I'm sorry for the struggles you're dealing with if you're finding what I've been saying familiar; I know how it feels and it's terrible.

The good moral thing always trips me up, and very few people seem to have the same moral compass. It's just frustrating. Seeing as I'm one of the leaders in the school too, I can't afford to be associated and involved in these groups. If I can prevent a situation from escalating or damaging people, I'll take the correct steps. Even if it means I'm the target and I lose my friends. It's nothing I haven't heard before. And thank you, but I'm far from courageous - I am a very genuine person though, aha.

No, every compliment counts, haha, thank you, it means a lot to me. I feel like I'm losing everyone. My US friend told me earlier that I'm pulling him down too much and I'm focusing on myself too much and we are losing our connection; he kept apologising to me, (he's been here before), and I feel so bad about it, because I just want him to be happy. He deserves so much more than me. I just wanted someone to talk to, to support me, and I broke him. Just like every other person.

You're a pretty cool person too, aha.

And yes, send as many hugs as you want - that's all I need right now, and a good cry, maybe chocolate. Thank you so much for your support.

- Em

[james1]

Hey Em,

I noticed you said you were really struggling in the Cafe tonight. Did you want to share what's been bothering you here? I know it's not the same as having someone to talk to, and that night time is often when we feel we need someone most, but sometimes it can help to put things down on paper.

I'm sorry, I don't know if you've mentioned it already, but do you have a school counsellor you could also talk to at recess or lunch?

James

[BenignSky]

Hey, James,

I'm feeling lost and alone and scared and unwanted and unloved and not needed and disgusting and helpless and hopeless and idiotic and desperate and needy and clingy and so, so messy. I can't get my mind to stay quiet, I'm always hearing I'm not good enough, I take everything as a personal attack on me, I just need something solid in my life, I am so bloody stressed with school and work and gym and my injuries and finding time to relax and eat right and sleep.

I miss having someone to stay up late and talk to me. I lost the person who would talk to me (he's too busy and hates disappointing me). He's the only time where I feel at peace and quiet. And now he's gone, for I don't know how long, he said a week, and this week is just dragging. I just want to talk to him. I feel so close to him and when we talk he's always so warm and I feel him hugging me. But at night I feel cold, and I shake. I want him to come back, he eases me and calms me down. I've made him feel terrible though because he thought he wasn't helping me, that I was disappointed when he couldn't talk - obviously I was upset but I get he's busy and that I'm not his top priority - or any priority of his - but if he is happy and enjoying life then that's all I care about. My needs come last, my wants don't matter. I just miss him so much.

I miss flirting and feeling special to someone, and beautiful and sexy. I miss being wanted. I miss feeling like there's only me and one other person in the world. I trust people too easily, I get attached to people to easily, and no matter how bad people treat me, I will always be loyal and love them to the day I die. I give too much of myself to people, and expect them to give just as much back, but who am I kidding? I mean nothing to no one, I'm just the background, I'm not important, no one needs me - not at the moment anyway.

I just want a hug man. I want sleep and a hug and for everything to be quiet and wake up in the morning with someone's arms around me, knowing that they won't leave. But in the end everyone leaves right? We are not permanent.

It's like I don't exist, and hey, maybe I don't. Maybe I am just a figment of imagination but everything feels so effing real to me.

I feel so invisible and insignificant.

People can leave me too easily. No one has ever loved me like I love them, whether that's friendship or romantically. I just get used.

I don't get why I'm here. What my purpose is.

Em

[BenignSky]

Sorry, I ran out of space to answer your question (and I forgot whoops).

School counsellors aren't that great at my school. There's no one I really trust, and they always ask me what I want out of this. I don't know what I want, that's why I'm coming to you?? I feel like they look down on me, condescending or something. I don't know, I just don't like the people we have.

I've been withdrawing a lot from people these past two weeks.

I feel myself slipping and I gotta claw my way back. I don't have the energy for this.

[james1]

Hey Em,

Oh your post is so very sad. You sound like you're there but really slipping away. Here's my hand to hold on to for a little while at least.

Have you ever watched Silver Linings Playbook?

There's one quote in that which I always thought applied to me, and it comes screaming through your post as well: "I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this sh*t for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!"

I don't want to harp on about how we should do things because we learn things for ourselves, but I did want to ask something. "My needs come last, my wants don't matter." Is this what you really really want? Or is this just how things are right now?

I'm learning at the moment that putting myself last actually kind of sucks. I do it all the time - even in my psych sessions, I'm trying to make sure she feels useful, even if it means messing up my own life a bit. Of course, that doesn't turn out so well for me.

But I'm trying to challenge that by putting myself first every now and then because I'm learning that I can't be truly happy if I don't look after myself. Everyone will always disappoint me because I'm looking for a kind of love that doesn't exist in a healthy relationship.

Counselling can be really tricky. I understand where you both come from - you're confused and wanting help and guidance, but they're not offering it. Yet they don't know your story and how willing you are to put effort in to see change. If you think about it like school: teachers want to know how much effort kids are willing to put in to their study so they can best tailor the study schedule, and also know when to encourage and when to push. On the flip side, the students are often discouraged by the lack of involvement from the teacher.

Only you really know how much energy you have left in reserve, but I do believe that you've got the desire to push through. If it's not with these counsellors, we'll find someone else to be there with you.

Can we start here instead? Your family and GP - do they know what you've been struggling with?

James