Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Fiasco]

Continued: I went to psychologist - had to come home and sleep afterwards. Very drained. Can't think about it. Very good at bottling in order to continue with daily life.

my husband had to look after the kids and run the house and work and worry about me for many many months of last year when I was in hospital, and he's still resentful. But he had lots of family and friends helping. I don't have a good relationship with his family.

my 5 yr old has always been anxious. Worse with everything that happened last year.

Thank you Quercus. We tried couples counselling, but I do think he needs his own private sessions without me there. We discontinued because it was so expensive and very hard to find appointments around his work and everything. He has just started an acting role now very high up in his profession. I can't really say without jeopardising our anonyminity. But his job is huge.

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

Your description of your daughter's seizures sound similar to what my mom told me I used to do. Hold my breath until I was blue. Mom says she tried dumping me in a bath of cold water then wrapping me up in a blanket and if I didn't respond she would run round the corner with me to the doctor. According to mom she would collapse on the doorstep while the doctor took me. She said she never knew what they did but I was returned pink and happy. Apparently this happened often but I find family stories tend to get exaggerated. However I am sure this happened several times.

Until I read your description I had not realise it was common. Of course when I was a baby (many, many years ago) there was no calling an ambulance. I have no memory of this happening, which is probably good, and I appear to have grown out of it. My youngest son did this once and although he did become unconscious and then start breathing, I was terrified. Straight off to the doctor. He did it again when my husband was there and before my son could stiffen up my husband folded him over his arm and gave a quick slap to his bottom. I think the shock of that made him draw an involuntary breath. Again very frightening. I hope you find that reassuring. I'm still here.

Counselling can be exhausting or perhaps draining is the better word. I have had a few sessions with that result. How are you feeling now? Do you think it was worthwhile? And more importantly, are you going again?

Have you thought of going to Relationships Australia for marriage counselling? I know they are either free or very cheap. You can go separately or together. Try an internet search for your nearest agency.

I see your husband has has experience of running a home. I think it's a little unfair to hold a grudge against you for being unwell. It's not as though you did on purpose. But sometimes I think others will think this even if they do not say so or perhaps do not realise this is what they are thinking.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi Fiasco

I just wanted to drop you a line to say wow - i reckon you're doing ok. There's a bit going on in your life and by the sounds of it you're doing the best you can and that's all that matters.

When my depression hits I feel as though someone has taken my brain and replaced it with another. I'm usually a very postive person so I really notice the changes in my thinking. The crap that my brain tells me is real is astonishing. Motherhood is tough, so is running a house, grocery shopping and god knows the ridiculous amount of washing! Don't let your brain undervalue this.

I hate going to therapy. I sit there and my counsellor can tell the areas that I don't want to talk about because she can see the tension in my body. There have been things that i simply could not speak about, couldn't find the words for, so she got me to write them down. Many sessions have finished with me having to do written homework for the next one. My sessions don't get easier and i hate dredging up the past, but I'm feeling better at the moment.

There is a positive! After feeling as low as I did, thinking the way I did, now even a sunny sky or a compliment from my kids can feel like the best thing in the world. If you go through a period starved of happiness, once you're out the other side it feels like a feast. I'm crossing my fingers that your feast is on it's way. Best of luck

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Have been having a think about your last post before I replied (something was really bugging me that I couldn't quite figure out)...

You said your husband's job is important.

That his family don't seem to like you.

That he resents the time you had to go to hospital.

that you tried couple's therapy which was too hard to fit around his schedule.

Where are you and your needs? That's what was bugging me. You are the one trying to keep yourself together and it sounds like you're the last priority. I hope that's not the case. Like Mary and Annie45 said you're job is the most important... You're raising his kids. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter if he is the Prime Minister or if he is working at a shop doing nightfill as long as you have enough income to support your family. Hubby always says he works to live he doesn't live for work.

So why aren't your needs as important as the rest of your family? You said he is resentful for having to take care of you and the kids while you were sick that is awful! It's not like you choose a MI!

And given what you've described in terms of seizures I think you are amazing to be able to handle that on your own without help from family! I wouldn't be able to cope with that without some bloody good support systems in place.

Forgive me please for being so blunt but I worry about you having no support. I'm really not surprised the psych appointment was utterly overwhelming you've got so much to deal with emotionally. I keep wondering what options do you have in terms of support? If his family won't help who else can you ask?

I suppose the main concern I have is has anything changed since your stay in hospital? Or have you come out and just been expected to pick up the pieces and move on?

Concerned for you to be honest. I hope you aren't offended. Take care of yourself Fiasco and hope you feel able to write again.

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

The past few days have been hard and I have gone back to the pain killers. My hands and fingers were too swollen to type. Much better this morning.

I have to agree with Quercus about your status in the family. I picked up the same comments but wanted to reassure you about your child and the seizures. They do go away.

I have noticed in a couple of your posts that your needs come last. Is this the reason you cannot tell your husband what is happening to you? If your married life has always been like this then I am not surprised you ended up in hospital. Just because your husband brings home a wage which enables you to buy food and other necessities does not mean he is the most important person or that he does the most work. My husband also believed that. Everything in the home was my job and if I worked from the time I got up until I went to bed that was too bad.

Neither of us had family nearby, both families in the UK. My ex was really a bully because if I tried to get him to do something for me or refused to run round after him he would take it out on the children and I always gave in. No he didn't hit them or anything, just made them do jobs and generally make life difficult. When I returned to the work force nothing much changed, I continued to run the house, take the children to their various activities etc as well as go to work.

I suppose I am saying what Quercus has put so succinctly. Telling you my story is about letting you I understand your feelings. I am as worthwhile as anyone else and so are you. Marriage isn't about a man getting an unpaid housekeeper, it's about two people living together because they want to be together. The 'in sickness and in health, bit means exactly that. You care for each other when one is unwell. Well I could go on forever.

How are you feeling now? Please continue your psych sessions. It does get easier once you get used to talking. In fact it can be a relief to speak your thoughts out loud and know you will not get a sarcastic or rude response. That you are being taken seriously with discussions on how your life can change for the better. It is all about you and although you will talk about your husband and children, amongst other things, they are not the focus.

Hope to talk more with you.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Oh Annie, Quercus and Mary, I could cry from your kindness and understanding. I will write more later hopefully. Remind me to tell you about when I had mastitis and my husband thought i was being lazy 😂😩😢 Thank you

[Quercus]

Oh my goodness Fiasco!

You really need to sit hubby down and say stop treating me like crap. If that's the kind of things he's doing then you deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better!

[Fiasco]

Haha yeah, and I have many times over the last 16 years. The thing is, he really has lots of amazing qualities, which is why I chose to spend the rest of my life with him. But no one's perfect unfortunately! His usual response is to be super offended, imply that I don't know how lucky I am, and that unlike 'all the other guys' he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs blah blah blah. And he's right. He's a stand up citizen. But I still let him know when there's issues. He just doesn't listen/accept anything I say. Last night i tried to talk about the idea of us doing a parenting course together, as we have very different idea and styles, but he wasn't interested. Because he's right. I'm the mentally unstable woman who gets periods and can't be trusted to have rational thoughts, so whatever I say has no weight. I once seriously considered studying medicine just so I would feel like he considered me as an equal. I think part of my super woman act that led to Oliver's death was in trying to prove that to him. And to myself.

[White_Rose]

Yes, when I went to uni it was a shock to my ex. I once asked him to proof read an assignment. You know you cannot see the wood for the trees sometimes. He gave it back to me and told me I should include this and this and take out that and that. I said that would change the content to something different to my assignment and he said "if you don't want my advice, don't ask". So I pointed out I had not asked for advice, just for a proofreader. But it made no difference so never asked again.

When I graduated he said his name should be on the certificate because he had done so much for me. I was speechless. He did give me a lot of help with microeconomics, but that was one subject. I felt like asking him how many lectures he had attended and how many assignments he had written, but in the end I just walked away even though I was angry.

I think he was surprised I had completed the degree and got a good grade point average, no failures. The best thing was my children started to change their attitude to me. They thought dad was right and mom was a bit of a loose screw. When I suggested couples counselling he refused because there was nothing wrong with him.

If you have the quals to get into medicine then go for it, or any other uni course you feel like doing. Good for your own self confidence as well as pointing out you are an intelligent and smart lady.

Mary

[Quercus]

Wow. Just wow. To both your post Fiasco and yours Mary. I am speechless. Stunned.

How on earth do you cope with this Fiasco? Regardless of his admirable qualities he doesn't treat you even remotely like an equal so what is that doing to your self esteem on a daily basis!?

I'm completely stunned. I can honestly say I find that horrifying. That you worked so hard for his approval and to be treated as his equal and now blame yourself for the loss of your baby because of working so hard.

That truly upsets me. You're his wife. If he doesn't respect you then he is an idiot. A massive idiot. Because you do the most important job in the whole world, raising your children. And it has brought me to tears Fiasco thinking of you feeling responsible for the loss of your baby (which you are not) because you exhausted yourself wanting his respect.

Does he know you feel like this about your baby? He bloody well should. How can he resent you for breaking down when he underminds your wellbeing? God I wish you could show him this post. So he knows someone in the world thinks he's a complete arse regardless of how important his job is. My heart is broken for you. You truly deserve for him to sit down and actually listen to you and what you have to say.

Forgive me. I'm out of line. Your relationship is your own business. But I am truly shocked. And very upset. I told you earlier about my friend who lost her baby. This sits close to my heart. And he is out of line.

Forgive me please Fiasco.