Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Hope the break from the internet helps you and you find some relief in it 😊

Just wanted to post so if you decide to return you know we are thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

And hoping you are able to feel well again. I like to think you'll return with a success story I'd love to hear that. Take care of yourself 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

Sorry I have not posted here for a while. Struggling with my aches and pains. However I feel much better this morning and actually attended my exercise class. That also boosted my good feelings.

Having a break can be a good idea. I hope all goes well. It would be lovely to hear from you again when you feel like chatting here. Take care of yourself.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Thank you ladies. My mood has been very extreme lately - very high to very low and bsck again in short spaces of time. I started wondering if done of my previous psychiatrist's diagnoses might be right - like bipolar or borderline personality. But then I'll feel fine and brush off how I was feeling before as dramatic. But then I'll feel suicidal again... having so many really lovely 'good' periods of each day. I keep thinking, maybe I'm just tired, frustrated etc and I need to just stop being so reactive and know that it'll pass and I will feel ok again... it scares me when I start feeling bad. I hate feeling out of control and impulsive.

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

Thanks for your post.

You have described a big range of emotions which are obviously troubling you. Even if I was a doctor I could not diagnose your illness without further details. The only way you are going to get a firm 'name' to put to your difficulties is to go to a mental health expert. You sound scared about the various possibilities that have been ascribed to you in the past. It's really no wonder you get upset. Having a proper diagnosis will be a great help even if it is something you don't want. Well it's always something we don't want because no one wants to be unwell.

Once 'whatever' has been determined you can get on learning to manage that condition, taking medication if appropriate, regular visits to a psych of one sort or another. It's all to play for. See-sawing backwards and forwards is not helpful because you never know where you are.

I need to just stop being so reactive and know that it'll pass and I will feel ok again. Well of course it will but how are you going to teach yourself to stop being so reactive. Trust me, I've been there and got the tee shirt, you need someone to help and guide you through whatever is happening. I'm sad to say it will be a long journey, but shorter than going on your own. Having constant suicidal thoughts is not good. This where you need good help and just as importantly, you need to put all your energy into getting well.

I expect you are tired and frustrated. I would be also. Swinging through so many emotions, doubts and fears will make anyone tired. And that's another bad look. Can you start all over again, go to your GP and get a referral to someone with a good reputation and resolve to stick with it until you are well again. You will get well even if it is something like Bipolar. It will always be there but you can have a good life. Read the thread My Bipolar Life.

Fiasco, I am so sorry to be nagging you. I am concerned. You have the courage and fortitude to get well. Please try again. Write in as often as you want.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Thanks Mary.

You're right about the tiredness- I am so exhausted, but I literally was up all night trying to stop my mind swirling. Because I've recently isolated myself and had a break from my usual quite intense socialising, having two sets of families over to my house yesterday and hosting meals almost all day completely overstimulated me. I spent the night replaying every conversation and word that was said, and the possible implications. Oh my gosh. Unbelievably pointless, and yet unable to stop. I'm an insomniac at the best of times, but nights like that really make normal times seem like wonderful slumbers. Such a shame, because I actually went to bed saying to my husband that it was the best Mother's Day I've had since being a mum myself and that I really enjoyed having everyone over. Apparently it affected me more negatively than I realised.

anyway, after some very intense events in December last year and my psychiatrist terminating our treating relationship, no psychiatrists at that hospital will see me. My gp was amazing and called many of them individually without luck. He gave me a referral to another psychiatrist attached to a private hospital, but I have huge anxiety about driving, and this hospital is quite a drive away from me and in the city. So I decided to stick with my local public mental health unit. Which as far as I understand is really only for critical events. So, in my usual style, I buried my head in the sand and hoped for the best.

i really am so traumatised by what I experienced in the private hospital. I don't feel I can trust anyone. In saying that, I have been finding my psychologist far more helpful than anything that happened last year.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

I'm so glad you felt able to come back and keep talking.

You mentioned a referral to a psychiatrist in the city. Can you arrange for someone to drive you? Is a taxi an option financially? I'm with Mary a diagnosis is so important.

Sometimes once you have a name to research it makes things start to make sense. You have an idea of what to expect. You can seek out people with the same condition for advice.

I found getting my diagnosis was sich a relief. There was a name for what I feel. What I feel is valid and best of all there is a plan. There are steps I can take to feel better.

I would highly recommend talking to your family and saying I need to go to this psychiatrist and askomg for help to attend. Saying I need to know what is happening with me to stop it from snowballing out of my control.

At the moment you're not getting the support you need or deserve. You had a horrific experience in hospital from what you've mentioned. If this psychiatrist is similar and frightens you then tell your GP and try another. And another. Until you find someone who you are comfortable enough to talk to and accept help from.

Please Fiasco just keep trying. You deserve to feel well.

[Fiasco]

Thank you Quercus.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow, and I'm a little bit apprehensive - I let her read this thread! She sent me a kind and supportive email and seems very keen to discuss it all tomorrow....because she never had that much info before. Because I only told her a few things. But now she knows so much more. I'm happy in one way because it will be easier for her to help me when she knows more of what's going on, but I'm also really worried because I know she'll want to talk about it all....and I don't know if I can. Or if I want to. I'm feeling pretty good right now - I've spent all day in my garden: redoing the chook pen, planting, watering, pruning, admiring, planning, dreaming.... it really is my special place. I don't want to feel bad! I know that tomorrow will make me feel negative emotions, and once the gates are opened I don't know how I'll cope after my 1 hour session is over. Once I start to think about everything and talk about it it all becomes real again and pulls me away into the river of sadness. I don't want to go there again. I don't know if I have the strength to get out again.

[Quercus]

Fiasco that is fantastic news!

Being apprehensive is normal but at least your psychologist truly understands what you're struggling with. That is huge progress!

Just remember when you have your appointment that you only have to talk about things if you want to. If something is too much ask to discuss this down the track.

Personally I'd focus on working through the experience you had in hospital and the fears you have about it. Maybe she can outline a plan of how you're going to approach getting well?

I am so pleased for you Fiasco 😊

As to opening the can of worms... Yep I'm there at the moment and it's difficult. I see my psychiatrist weekly and find it a relief knowing I don't have to wait long to discuss problems. Is a regular appointment an option for you? Maybe you can ask your psych about this... What to do if you need help. It might help even knowing there is a plan in place.

Wow Fiasco I don't have words 😊 Good for you! Enjoy your garden it is the best place to be. I hope you get something positive out of your appointment. Can't wait to hear how you go.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

You have made an enormous step. Giving someone access to huge volume of information is trusting her big time. You have written about your experiences so the psych should be clued up about pushes your buttons. If she's good she will take thing slowly. I can appreciate your worry. I think when we take a step of that magnitude we are bound to worry and wonder if it was the best thing to do. Well, you've done it and I think it can only help your relationship with your psych.

May I suggest you ask the psych to stop about ten minutes before the end of your session and do a debrief to help you through the next few days. I think it's important you have something to hang on to when you leave what I have no doubt will be an emotional session. Perhaps you can ask if you can contact her if you become too overwhelmed.

I hope all goes well tomorrow. Please let us know how it went, reserving as much detail as you want. Just interested in how you feel.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Oh god, why is it only 12.22? Nighttime hours seem to go so slowly.