Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

Sorry to keep you waiting. It's good you phoned the local mental health team. Sometimes we have to admit we are in desperate need and we call the people nearest to help us. Are you OK now?

What did I do to stop myself dying? I told myself I was strong enough to wait another day, another half hour, until I done something I had promised to do. I knew I was making excuses to stay because I did not want to go. Yet, at the same time the pain was unbearable and I knew there was no other choice. I tried to hold the thought that I would get better, that my life would improve.Perhaps it was wishful thinking at the time but it helped.

People have told me to think about my family and how distressed they would be, but by that stage I could not 'see' anyone. I was alone in the dark and those sort of comments were quite frankly irritating, spoken by people who had no idea how I felt. The world would be better off without me, no one need worry about me again. I knew it all.

Twice I overruled myself and each time landed in such a mess I vowed I would never do it again. In hospital I was treated with anger and contempt by those whose job it was, I thought, to help me. I will never put myself in that position again. I felt ashamed of myself and that did not help me to heal.

But to return to your question. Sometimes I thought I it was the wrong thing to do and I got quite angry with myself because I let this thought make my decision. Sometimes I don't know what stopped me. It takes a lot of courage to end your life no matter how much we want it to happen. I found that if I could not do this without hesitation then I should not do it at all. I also tried to remember a time when I was happy and had no suicidal thoughts. It seemed a long time ago. I think the biggest reason is being stubborn so I made myself wait.

I don't know if I can give you reasons that you will take on board because we are all different. All I can say is, your life will get better, I promise that. My life has got better even if I have down days. Hang on to the thought you will get through this even though you are on a hard, dark road. Oh how I wish I could sit with you and give you comfort. Please believe I am with you and holding your hand. You can get through this.

With love from Mary

[Ladyhawke]

Hi Fiasco,

Yes, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed when you make that initial step to seek help, but I promise that you've made the right decision. You can only pretend everything is OK for a limited period of time.

It can be very confronting to admit you have issues: you wonder if people will view you differently; your self-perception changes and you may feel slightly shaken up for a while. I experienced those feelings and many others on the forums felt that way when they decided to reach out for help and guidance.

You've made the right choice and you're not alone. We're always here to give you support through our own experiences.

LH

[Fiasco]

Thank you.

mary, you've hit the nail on the head - because I experienced anger and contempt from my treating professionals previously in hospital, I'm loathe to be in that position again. But here I am. I'm waiting at the local hospital, and I feel like walking out. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I expect. But if I leave, I don't know what I'll do.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

I hope you can read this soon. Please stay at the hospital until you have a safe place to go. Yes, the staff can appear to be uncaring but that's their problem. Your most important job is to stay safe. Try to look beyond what's happening and concentrate on something you care about. Doesn't matter what. A toy, your dog, your children, a photo of someone. Just hold these things in your mind and be sure to keep them there.

I want to continue talking with you, so please stay safe. I will post this short note hoping you will be able to read it while you are waiting. Please reply when you can.

Mary

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fiasco,

Well done on reaching out to the local mental health service and letting us know that you're at the hospital waiting to see someone.  Taking that first step is a brave and difficult one, particularly when you've had poor experiences in the past.  

Mary (White Rose) has some great advice on keeping focused while you wait, and it's important that you stay there until you can see a treating professional.

Fiasco, your last comment is quite concerning for us here on the forums.  Suicidal thoughts are very serious, and if you are thinking you are going to hurt yourself then the hospital is the best place for you right now.  On an anonymous forum like this one, we can only provide words as we aren't there in the room with you.  

It's vital that you keep reaching out in person for professional help and be sure to disclose everything you're feeling.  If you're unable to put things into words, then direct the mental health team to read through this thread to get an idea of how tough things have been for you recently.

We will still be here once you've been assessed, come back when you're ready and let us know how things have gone when you're able to.

[Fiasco]

Thank you. Some strategies are being put in place.

[White_Rose]

That is fantastic news.

How are you feeling now? I am so pleased and relieved you are OK.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

​I'm relieved you are safe and are getting support. And I'm in awe of you. Taking that step to walk into the hospital and say I need help takes guts. Especially with your previous experience regarding angry reactions. I hope you are getting empathy and support this time.

Thinking of you and hoping you are at least feeling safer. Hope to hear from you when you feel able.

[Fiasco]

It's 4am and I've been awake for hours. I didn't go to hospital, but the mental health unit were really helpful and will be in touch with me again today. Lots of support options. Also have appointment with my psychologist as she had a cancellation. I think I've gone into 'denial/fix it' drive. On one side I feel relief about some professionals knowing how I feel and possible help and terror for what implications that holds in the future, while I also feel like now I need to play everything down. Even to myself. My 'it's ok' happy act went into overdrive this afternoon with the kids and evening with husband. Felt slightly hysterical.

Im scared for today. I've written myself a step by step list of what I've got to do, and as long as I stick to the plan it'll be ok. I can do this.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

How are you feeling today? I hope your appointment helps.

I do understand the desire to pretend. I remember waiting for my psychiatrist appointment and going through the motions of our routine. Pretending it was all ok even though there was a saftey plan staring at me on the fridge with steps of what to do in a crisis. Hubby kept glancing at me sideways knowing underneath the performance I was a mess. And waiting for the breakdown.

My point is you can only perform for so long. If it's a measure to keep you safe until an appointment ok but in the long run it won't help you feel better. Have you got a safety plan in place?

Have you made an appointment with your GP or psychiatrist to review your medication?

I'm glad to hear you are in a slightly better head space but I'm still very concerned about you. Take care of yourself please.