Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Sorry I saw your other thread first. Definately better to just use the one.

I can't say I have enough experience about hospitals and psychiatrists to know if others will refuse to see you. Maybe put the question to everyone and ask if anyone has been through similar? Your experience sounds incredibly traumatic. Have you spoken about what happened to you in hospital to your psychologist? If so do they think a different psychiatrist could help? Or are you firm about not trying meds again? I think this is an area you need to have a solid in depth discussion with your GP and psychologist about. Sometimes meds are necessary especially if you feel there is a risk of you going downhill again.

What do you think? I have to go for now but will be back to talk ok. Take care of yourself.

[Fiasco]

I don't know about the meds issues - I'm so lost at the moment I can't think straight. The psychiatrist was charging me $320 per weekly visit (only small amount back from health fund) and I'm loathe to spend such huge amounts when it not only doesn't help, but harms. I'm naturally wary of opening up, but now even more so.

sorry I'm going through a really rough patch and finding it difficult to see a way out. I haven't been able to work for over a year, and wonder if I'll ever be able to function like a normal person again. I so badly need help right now.

[Fiasco]

I tried to talking to her yesterday about how terrified i was that I need to go to hospital (and if need to go public now anyway) and why, but I just started sobbing and couldn't communicate. I'm falling into that place where I'm almost incapable of coherent speech. It's like the more I want to say, the more my body freezes up and I can't even open my mouth. Then I'm left with only nodding or shaking my head to questions - very hard to get my point across that way! I'm working so hard to keep control that I'm left mute. I have completely lost control after one suicide attempt in hospital in November last year, but all that happened was I was sobbing so hysterically that I passed out and went to sleep! I've kept control for so long that I don't know how to deal with my own self except by distraction and avoidance. I feel like a ridiculous child who can't regulate their emotions. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and prefer not to even acknowledge my feelings so that I can pretend they're not real.

i barely slept and i don't know what to do. I was tempted to drive myself to the local public hospital and see what happened. But I'm indecisive at the best of times, and so incapacitated by my mind o doubt I could even get dressed.

i tried to tell my husband, to really tell him. But I couldn't. He was so tired. My whole thought process is so short sighted. It's all about what easiest at that moment. And I was too weak. I'm always too weak. I'm passive and nonconfrontational. And... what's the opposite of proactive?

[Fiasco]

Sorry Quercus, Ci, Mary and anyone else,

I'm sorry, i wrote that last response selfishly. I appreciate the time you've taken to respond to me, and I know you have your own problems. It astounds me that even with your own pain, you can still offer such beautiful support to others. I wish I could, but right now all my energy is going into my survival mode. I used to be the one who always checked on everyone else before herself, and was such a good listener, but now I have nothing left for anyone else. I tried volunteering at our local hospital in the labour/maternity ward in a strange self guided sort of exposure therapy, mainly because i thought I needed to see lots of babies so that I could get over myself. It only lasted a few months. I quit because I'd missed a couple of days when I just couldn't cope, and gone home early, and felt like they'd be better off without someone who was unreliable. I don't even recognise myself. I'm so selfish and lost in my own world. The only lives I make better are my daughters'. For everyone else, I am a pointless, unhelpful, burden. Please don't try and argue, because I'm so stubborn I won't believe you. But for my little girls, I am necessary. I am their world. And that's why I'm needed. That's why I'm still here. But god I don't want to be.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

I'm sorry I only just saw your posts now. I wish I'd read and responded earlier!

Firstly we hear you. We are here for you.

Sometimes we are absolutely beyond words. I only joined BB once my meds started working. Before then I was like you absolutely shattered and taking one step at a time to remain here because my kids need me. Other than that I was a mess.

My suggestion is print out the thread (or even bits of it) and take it to your GP or the psych. Let your writing speak when you aren't able to. If you'd rather just write it out. What are you afraid of? What's going through your head? What keeps you here and keeps you safe? Write it all down if you can. I had to put it in an envelope and seal it because I was so deeply ashamed. Handing it to the psychologist to read was very difficult. But it allowed her to see the real me and not the performer in her office.

The medical professionals have no way of knowing what's going on unless you tell them. They want to help you but you've got to let them know what's going on for them to be able to help you feel better. If you're like me and clam up then write whatever you can. And keep trying.

Your health is the most important thing. You need to make yourself a priority. My heart goes out to you because I've been there. Feeling worthless. Going through the motions for everyone else and feeling endlessly inadequate and guilty. I still fight with feeling worthless most days. But now I know it is the depression talking.

I know from years of trying to pull myself out if it that sometimes it doesn't get better without help. That doesn't make you a burden or a failure. It makes you human.

Thinking of you Fiasco. You are worthwhile. I hope you can focus on that and get the help you need. Until then we're here for you.

[Quercus]

'it ain't weak to speak' etc, but the message from psychiatrists, nurses etc that I got is that you are the only one that can help yourself. So then I wondered what the point of exposing my vulnerabilities is, and it's so hard for me to do, when no one can help me anyway. It all seems very contradictory to me.

I just re-read this Fiasco. And was wondering if this is something stopping you from seeking help and speaking out?

I do get what you've written and it is true. My psychiatrist warned me that the psychotherapy I start (today actually) will rely on my commitment to myself. I have to do the work. I have to do the talking. I direct the converation. It is about me taking ownership of my own feelings and making the choice and commitment to helping myself get better.

Noone but you can give you self confidence or self worth. You've got to do that just for yourself. I'm not there at all but I'm committed to not giving up. The first step was saying I deserve better than living in a pit of despair. I deserve and I want to feel better. I want to live for me not just survive for others.

The docs and psychs are there to help and guide and support you but ultimately they cannot force you to get better. It has to be your choice. You have to want to live.

[Fiasco]

thank you.

that all makes a lot of sense. It's so complex.

i hope your day is going well.

thanks again for your thoughts.

[Fiasco]

Hi Quercus. I wasn't in a good place when I last replied sorry. Thank you for your thoughtful advice and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.

Yes, I really do believe that it all comes down to my own efforts. And I'm realising that some of my fundamental beliefs are challenged by this whole process. I've always thought of myself as empathetic, open minded and understanding. But when I honestly examined my thoughts and beliefs, I was slightly horrified to realise that deep down, I still harbour attitudes that were formed when I was so much younger. Whilst I'm saying that I agree that depression is real and that people need to remove the stigma and get support, somewhere inside I'm actually believing that people are inherently weak. That we are so scared of any pain (physical or mental) they we do whatever we can to make it stop - take medication or whatever. What an awful judgemental thing to believe!! I also found that I believe almost everyone I know is on antidepressants, that they are iverprescribed. I'm pretty sure that this all stems from my childhood with my mentally unwell mother, and my family culture of playing things down and not 'being dramatic'. When I was little I saw someone I thought of as lazy and who couldn't be bothered to make an effort; who whinged but never made an effort to help herself (WRONG!! But I was an egocentric and unhappy little girl, who wanted my mother to look after me, not me look after her).

Anyway, my views are at odds with my educated and adult understand, and I think that's what's creating such pressure inside myself. I know I shouldn't believe these things and that they're wrong, but convincing myself is proving surprisingly difficult.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

There's no need to apologise it's absolutely fine to have down days (this is your thread and safe place so write however you want or need to). I don't offend easily 😊

I get what you mean about growing up with a different mindset about MI. I grew up thinking dealing with depression was just a matter of positive thinking and healthy living and taking time out to recharge. I didn't know anyone who took medication for a MI. So I was very reluctant to accept medication. You're right I also grew up hearing it was lazy to accept medication. And people going to a therapist only happened on TV.

And then I finally admitted I had tried everything I could think of (and followed every suggestion the psychologist offered me) and I was still washing dishes and planning how I would end it. Or playing music to drown out frightening thoughts. Or biting my nails till they bled. Quite simply I got to a point where I was frightened of myself and nothing else was working.

Medication isn't perfect. Just read on here and you'll see how people try many. But for me it keeps the obsessive thoughts away and gives me space in my head to function.

One thing I was very afraid of was losing control. I thought meds would change my personality and numb all of my feelings. Maybe for some people they do but for me the only real difference I see is I can't focus for long. That means if I have a horrible thought I can acknowledge it but it doesn't overwhelm me.

All I'm trying to say is it is trying medication is not something to be afraid of. And if it doesn't work they try something else. Also it doesn't make you a failure. I take immunesuppressants for my autoimmune disease... That doesn't make me weak or a failure. It simply means I need help to make my body work and if that's my injections so be it.

Take care of yourself Fiasco. Am thinking of you

[Fiasco]

Thanks for you help. I'm having a break from the internet and social media and everything. Good luck with with it all.

Fi