help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Hi All

Sorry I haven't replied- I must admit i've tried a few times but I'm not sure what to say.

I'm feeling ok...down days but thankfully some up days too. I have an acceptance of my situation that strangely seems to help. I'm no longer fighting it or trying to out-think it, rather just waiting it out until the next up.

I havent had my counselling appointment yet - next Thursday. I get really afraid and worked up prior to these so I'm not thinking about it too much. I feel as though I need a plan of some sort. I haven't in the past and get there and say nothing. My poor counsellor has to ask so many open ended questions to try to identify something to discuss. Yes Mary - we've spoken about my perfectionist attitude before! I get really frustrated when I leave because we 'waste' time chatting about the small things - unless she uncovers a doosy by chance.. and now I find she just focuses on these because she doesn't know anything else. I feel as though I have no control over the situation, of what we talk about because I simply can't speak up...

Too be perfectly honest there's a lot I don't want to talk about. So writing a letter, identifying these, making them fair game is my worst nightmare and I simply don't have the courage.

Quercus, I'm afraid I'm no closer to accepting meds. I really appreciated all the advice I received but Not at the moment.

thanks ladies

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for letting us know how you are. I'm sorry you are so low and even more that you don't feel able to talk about what hurts you.

I'm sorry about me nagging about meds. You do whatever suits you. Your choice and noone else's.

Thinking about difficult topics... How do you feel about a single word? It sounds odd but when I was trying to confide in my sister I couldn't make my voice work. It just wasn't possible to vocalise. It took a whole day in the car talking and then I thought ok I will focus on one single word. Just one word and say it aloud. I did. She froze. And said one word in return... The name of my ex. I nodded. I couldn't go into detail. I changed the subject not long after. But it was just one word and she knew what the problem was. What do you think? Could you write a list of words about topics that are worrying you pick one to give the counsellor?

If you find when she talks you cant speak thats ok. She might say something that helps you.... But it will be on a topic you need to hear.

Of course you could always experiment here with one word and see how you feel writing about it.

Thinking of you Annie. Please take care of yourself.

[White_Rose]

Annie I don't mean to come across as nagging. I wonder if you would be happier with a different counsellor but I think we have discussed this before.

Quercus' idea sounds great. I agree about the frustration of talking about small things. I want to get the big stuff done and dusted but it can be hard to jump in and start talking which is why your idea is so great. So that's what I'm going to ask her - help me feel safe talking out aloud. I think this will take several sessions for you to become less uncomfortable and will be a work in progress for a while as you put into practice what you are learning. But what a fantastic goal.

Mary

[annie45]

Thanks Quercus and Mary

Both great posts, much of which I agree with!! I'll reply properly once I digest it.

I did want to stop you both because you both apologised for nagging. I never consider anything you say nagging-just important points that I too spend a bit of time considering.

Thank you both I really appreciate your time.

Mary I'm sorry I forgot to ask how you were feeling- I hope you are looking after yourself and starting to feel better

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

How are you feeling today?

Yeah I just re-read what I wrote and thought huh why do I always apologise for caring? That's why I nag after all. I feel sad seeing your words look so flat and want you to feel better.

If you decide you want to talk we're here for you. Speaking out is so bloody hard I know. It really is the hardest step to take. But Mary told me once it helps to get it out and she was right.

Take care of yourself ok.

[annie45]

Hi Ladies

I am ok - I've had a busy week with a lot of distractions, so my depression has been put on the back burner so to speak. there, bubbling in the distance but not at the forefront of my mind. Quercus I re-read my post and I think it was very 'measured and controlled' rather than flat - the issue with text being unable to convey feelings... It is me at the moment - measured and controlled - managing my emotions so they don't betray me. I have joined a new gym, which does give me an outlet - timely I think!!

Mary - I agree. This counsellor will not be able to help me long term. I turned to her after quitting two psychs after short periods. I felt there was no point continuing with my last as I couldn't open up at all, the first said something particularly ridiculous and I never went back... I feel this one can help me learn to do this. I think we both got lost trying to solve my issues first rather than focussing on this. I think I need to remind her. Dredging up the past, when I don't know how to speak about the present and it's affects on me seems like the wrong way to approach this..I don't know - maybe I need to ask what's she's thinking and what her ideas are? Here I go again - trying to out think this.

Thanks

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. How are you finding your new gym?

I was reading your post about overthinking and it reminded me of what my psychiatrist says at the beginning of every session. About not planning what you're going to say just blurting out whatever comes into your head without censoring. He said in my last session if that means changing topics as a new thought presents thats fine too. Just speaking whatever pops into your head. Like voicing your stream of consciousness.

Does that help... Nah probably not one little bit. I just think there is some merit in the idea of not thinking just speaking and seeing what comes out. Feel free to disregard completely if it's not helpful to you 😊.

Hope you are ok.

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

It's perfectly acceptable to ask your psych what she is doing or wants to do with you. Also to tell her, as you have decided, you want to learn how how to feel safe talking. It's a reasonable request. You are paying her, not the other way round.

I meant to comment in my last post about talking about the small things which you feel are not relevant or not very important. I used to feel like that with the first psychiatrist I saw. I talked about it to my GP and she was quite scathing. She felt he was just there to hope I found my own way to being well and I'm sure this was part of his process. Well, if I knew where I was going it would be easy I imagine. What do we pay them for?

Enjoy your weekend and I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for asking after me. I am getting better but like most illnesses, two steps forward and one back. Overall I am moving forward.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi Quercus

I definitely see merit in your voicing your stream of consciousness idea however, it's simply not possible. The thought of it brings so much fear... Even if I wanted to my body and brain would simply refuse and there would be no words I'm afraid....at this stage... hopefully I can work on getting to this place. The gym was good but legs are still sore from Thursday. Might need a good dosing of magnesium or go a little easier next time ha ha.

Mary, Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my money on someone who can't help. Do I need to move away from a counsellor, accept that this is a bit more serious and see a psych? Obviously not questions that you can answer directly but would love to hear your words of wisdom. Questioning or even challenging someone is not really a strength of mine so this will be a difficult conversation.

Have a great Sunday ladies

Annie

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie

Firstly thanks for your kind words on my thread .

Not sure if u have answered this before so sorry if I missed it.

Is the problem that you can't open up at all or just the therapist you're currently seeing?

Also not sure about the diff between psychiatrists and psychologists except the former can prescribe meds - is that it ?

I had both at one time and it ended in disaster as they both had conflicting ideas on treatments- not good.

Trusting someone with your deepest emotions is very hard and you have to be totally comfortable with them.

This can take a long time for me it was well over a year before we looked beyond the symptoms for the causes.

You need someone who doesn't push you and will let u go at your pace and if they are good st their job they will gradually build up your confidence and trust.

This is not a sprint Annie unfortunately it is a marathon and you need to make decisions you are comfortable with.

oh by the way I have now been with my psych 7 years and still have trouble at times confiding.

All the best

Stressless