help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Hey support crew

I've come back from a camping trip where I tuned out for awhile. It was nice to recharge the batteries.

Stressless You sound very positive in your recent threads. It sounds as though you are gaining a lot of self confidence and trusting your own feelings which is fantastic.

Mary I'm glad you're back. Your garden sounds like a wonderful distraction for you - I hope your doing ok.

Nat - you sound a bit lost right now. Fair enough you've had a bit going on these past two years. Take your time to figure out what it is that you want to do - I still reckon garden design is right up your alley.

As for me, well I'm a bit lost too. I've come home from taking mum to a drs appointment. Not good news I'm afraid. She's been unofficially diagnosed with MND. I'll be keeping myself busy today while I digest this information...

Cheers to you all

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Camping sounds awesome... I'm sorry that you came home to a new worry. I don't know what MND is but I hope you are able to work through this worry.

I'm ok. I have been very lost and there has been a lot of confusing things overwhelming me. But I have a short term plan worked out in my mind to get through this low. It will be ok.

How are you feeling on your meds? Have they settled? When do you see your counsellor next? Arrgh so many questions lets go with a happy one... What was the best thing about your camping trip?

❤ Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Good to see you back. Camping is great for those who enjoy it. Although we went camping fairly often it was never my ideal. Too used to mod cons, hot water on tap, flushing toilets, you know the small things in life.

Like Nat I have no idea what MND is. From your post it sounds serious for your mom, and of course means much work and worry for you. I am very sorry you are both in this situation.

I believe we all need a place to go and forget the world for a little while. I went on a silent retreat in March. It was great. Unfortunately there were other people there who kept trying to talk to me. They had not been told my retreat was silent. It was lovely all the same.

My garden is a good place to work and forget. The most frustrating thing is not being able to kneel to do planting or weeding. And these days I do need someone to move the heavy stuff.

I think we need a reunion of the SFC.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie

Glad you had s good time camping - not for me I'm afraid - need all the mod cons

Im thinking your mum has Motor Neuron Disease? So sorry I know this is very debilitating mans she will need a lot of care

You take care of you my friend and yes Mary we do need a SFC re union

Stressless

[annie45]

Yes Stressless Motor neurone disease. Over the next 2-3 years it will slowly disable her muscles and kill her. There is no cure and any treatment will only slow the progression. Feeling pretty devastated

[Quercus]

Oh.

Annie I'm sorry. My post seems inappropriate in hindsight.

No wonder you need time to process this news. How are you holding up today?

Have you got an appointment with your counsellor soon?

Thinking of you and your Mum.

❤ Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

What a dreadful shock to your mom and to you. I am so very sorry this has happened. How long before you get the official diagnosis?

I imagine you both need lots of support now and as your mom's illness progresses. How are you managing? It's probably something to talk about with your counsellor as soon as possible.

Please keep us in the loop.

Mary

[annie45]

Thanks ladies

Some more tests planned for November to get an official diagnosis but there is really no doubt that this is what it is.

I'm feeling really conflicted. A large part of me is simply suppressing any emotion, pushing it down to the depths - I'm pretty good at that!!

I'm feeling guilty that we have only just started delving into my relationship with my mum in counselling, I've said some horrible things about her to my counsellor. I know she doesn't know, but I still feel very guilty.

And I'm scared about what the next few years will bring. My dad died from dementia and I always thought 'well at least he doesn't realise what's happening'. But this time it will be the opposite. Mum will have all her wits as she watches her body fail.

My next counselling session is for another week and a half although I'm sure I can get an earlier appointment if i need.

I'm feeling a bit underwhelmed by the meds - not feeling like the are doing a lot - but i guess it's a bit hard to judge given the current situation. Might give everything some time to settle.

Nat please remember that no post is ever inappropriate- we all say what we think is right at the time. I didn't see it as anything but this. I wish I could be there for you at the moment but I simply can't. You are in my thoughts however as is all the members of the sfc

Thanks for all your care

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Please don't even for a second worry about me ok. I've rallied the troops (aka offline support network) and I am fine. But thank you.

Time to look after you. Regardless of what you said to your counsellor it doesn't change that you love your Mum. Not one bit.

MND sounds pretty scary so maybe working out what supports are available would help? Supports for you but also for your Mum. Group therapies. Support for carers. Those sort of things.

It might not hurt to call and ask for an early appointment just to talk it through. What do you think?

Here for you Annie. If you want to talk we are all here listening.

❤ Nat

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie,

I know some of what you are going through in terms of the guilt starting to seep into your thinking now you've learnt your mum is sick. Boy those demons really know when to strike don't they ?

So going forward it will be hard watching your mum deteriorate , and yes being in control of her mind but not her body will be hard to watch. You mentioned your dad had dementia and as you know my mum also did for probably 2 years before passing away last month.

To see your once healthy, strong parent suddenly become so dependant on others is heartbreaking. You are now the adult caring for and reassuring the parent - roles are reversed. I felt so confused about how to help ( given our history too didn't help) but unsure of what to do.

In the early stages my mum was angry, uncooperative, abusive and very hard to take. I became upset, set upon , angry too, lots of conflicting emotions.

Annie your emotions are valid and real and feeling guilty wont help you now. if you have an ok relationship with your mum, then start building on that. if things need to be resolved, then maybe down the track this will happen. Hopefully in your mums case she will keep her mental faculties intact. and you can continue to communicate. If not then that is a hurdle for another time.

The one thing I learnt that as much as you may want to take on all the care and worries of your mum and / or other family members you cant. You need to balance what is reasonable and fair against what is impossible and possibly detrimental to your well being.

Use your resources like your psych, and us here to help you through the times ahead

Always here for you My fellow SFC member and friend

Stressless