help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Sorry not to write for a few days, been a bit unwell. You have said you journaled in the past (at least I think you did) so you will get into that rhythm easily. You posts on BB are great. They show so clearly how you feel. Please try to print some of them out to show your husband and counsellor. By the way, is this a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I know this is a great place and so many people have been helped and have helped others. We want the best for you which cannot be achieved only by staying in this lovely warm and safe place. Come here, it's good for you, but don't make it your only refuge or source of help. Your husband is in the real world and needs to help you get well. Please talk to him. I'm not particularly known for being tactful at times so please do not take my words amiss.

Can you write a list of the reasons for not taking an antidepressant? You can make a sub list for reasons you have heard off but which you have not experienced. Include all your fears because these may stop you getting help. If you can then put this list on your thread we can talk about it, but if this is a step too far we can talk in general terms. I think this will help.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

​Mary has a good suggestion with the list of concerns.

I get that seeing others struggle to find meds that work is offputting but one thing I probably don't say enough is regardless of side effects I feel a billion times better on the meds than before I started.

Yes I am managing a few side effects and experimenting with dosage... but... I am no longer obsessing about hurting myself and the amount of relief I felt when the thoughts stopped was unimaginable. I wasn't afraid of myself for the first time in years. They're not perfect but they give me the breathing space I need to cope and get better.

Also it is your decision not just the doc. If you try a med and the side effects outweigh the benefit you can try something else. Only you make that call.

Take care of yourself Annie45. I hope you can start the conversation with hubby and feel better soon.

[annie45]

I told hubby last night. played it down - just said I thought it might be a good idea. He said he could see something wasn't right and it was probably a good idea. Thankfully we left it there.

TA you mentioned having an honest conversation with myself this is something that I find so difficult to do. I feel as though i'm talking with a three year old. Theres no dialogue just one word answers usually 'don't know ' or 'because' . I don't know what my triggers are, why I feel this way, what's upsetting me, why im so angry i want to explode, why im so close to collapsing in a ball of tears.

I'm going to try to work on my aversion to meds. Again it's just 'because I don't want to' the excuses are stupid but difficult to get past.

I haven't mustered the courage to ring my counsellor yet (just a counsellor Mary) I tried a psychologist but couldn't connect with her to open up. I just find it so hard to initiate these conversations again. I don't want to admit I need help. I don't want to admit that I'm struggling I don't want to admit that it's all a bit to hard at the moment

Thankyou for all your wise words I hope that your feeling better Mary

[annie45]

did it - made the appointment

[White_Rose]

Congratulations. Another step in the right direction. Also congratulations for starting to talk with your husband. These are two hard steps to take so very well done.

I hope you will excuse me for chuckling a little over your talk with your husband. There are so many people who do exactly what you did, tell your husband a small part of how you feel. No I'm not laughing at you, hopefully with you. It's a start and you will gain confidence to tell him more as you become well.

I know the "I don't want to" response and I found it very hard to get past. Not just about medication but about other parts of my life. We say to ourselves it feels wrong in some way, but when we try and chase the cause the mind shuts down and says "because". I think it is part of depression. That wretched black dog whispering in our ears that we can manage alone, there's not much wrong, you will look silly, people will not want to know you. I'm sure there are a few additional reasons you can think of and they are all untrue. You need someone to help you and it seems you have a counsellor you trust which is the best.

I see a counsellor and a psychiatrist. You have restarted the counselling process, which shows you are serious about getting well.

Mary

Thank you for asking, I am much better. I have fibromyalgia and it reared its head again but all is OK now.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi Mary,

There's a lady at my gym with fibromyalgia and it sounds horrible and frustrating. I hope it settles for you.

Thanks for the post. Yep chuckle away at our conversation - I'm sure it's probably very common. He is a good man and I appreciate the space he gives me. If I need to say more he will listen, otherwise he knows not to push.

It's crazy but I feel such shame at feeling depressed again. I did everything I could to keep it at bay and get better but I feel like I've failed by allowing it to get the better of me. I think that's why I feel it's harder this time to ask for help. Considering meds makes me feel even more shame. I know it's ridiculous and I don't feel that way about others on meds at all. I guess I just feel that my issues are trivial compared to others and that I should be able to move on and get past it. I blame myself for being in this situation.

So below is a list of my issues with meds - please don't get offended as this is simply how I feel about me, not others that are medicated. I'm really happy to hear how they help others on here and I do not judge these people at all (re - my problems less trivial..)

I've never considered myself a control freak but I not having control on my situation is so frustrating. I don't want to take meds as I feel I lose more control.

I don't want my sleep messed up because I'm a busy mum and I need to be ontop of my game. I owe it to my kids to be there for them not sleep deprived or unable to focus

I'm vain about my body shape - I don't want to put on weight

I don't want nausea, dizziness - busy mum bit again..

I love my husband and don't want my libido to be affected

I don't like taking medicine. I rarely even take a panadol or antibiotics.

I am ashamed that I can't deal with this on my own.

Quercus: your post about the negatives being outweighed by the positive effects of the meds helped a lot - thank you. I guess on here you only hear about the negatives and it's pretty frightening.

Thank you for your time - I appreciate it

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

That was an amazing reply. Thank you.

The issue of shame is widespread in people with a mental illness. I too struggle with it and it is really horrible. Society has put such a premium on being mentally healthy that anyone with any kind of mental ill health feels pressure to hide it. It's not as though we decide to drive recklessly and injure someone, or make a major stuff up in marriage or any of these things, any of which can be our fault. MI is not our fault. We don't ask for it or look for it, it's not contagious and in general we all live the same ordinary lives as everyone else.

I do not believe you 'allowed' yourself to become depressed because it just does not happen like that. I am over weight and I know I allowed myself to get there. Two completely different causes and situations. I understand the disappointment knowing the depression has returned. Again it a common situation. No matter how much self control we use, given the right circumstances it will come back. There is no way of predicting the right circumstances by the way. Just as we are all different so our triggers are different and we manage them differently.

This is a huge burden you are carrying and it is unnecessary. Save your energy for getting well. Beating yourself up will not make it happen more quickly and probably will hinder the process. I hope your counsellor talks about these things. If not, tell him/her how you feel and discuss it. I think it's a bit like when my son was born. I tried to breast feed but it did not happen. I was given a tin of baby formula and I bottle fed him. I felt really bad about this because "everybody" breast fed their babies. Can you relate this to how you feel shame?

Believing other people's issues are more difficult than yours is another way the black dog tries to tie us up in knots. No one is more important than another. Your difficulties are yours, no one else's. What you can manage may flatten another, and vice versa, you could not handle the problems of others. There is no comparison and certainly no hierarchy of problems and pain. You manage your own pain and lend a hand to others whenever you can. In return you receive help from those who know how hard is the road you are travelling.

I have left the medication question for the moment as I have a number of things to say. I get it all because that's how I felt. And I would give it away in an instance if I did not believe it was helping me. See how I'm doing at the moment.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Annie - let me counteract some of your med concerns:

I love my husband, so decided I could no longer put him through the "me" without medication.

I love my husband, and for the first time in a very long time, I actually have a libido

I did get nausea badly for a month, but took medication to counteract it. It settled with time, and I no longer need the other medication. It was worth fighting through it. I got dizziness for about 3-4 days. I was aware of it, I still worked through it, but it wasn't a major issue.

Body shape - taking medication can potentially give you the energy to be active because you are not weighed down so heavily with anxiety and depression.

I was ashamed. I resisted. I wish I had started many months earlier!

It did take time and a bit of adjustment, (and a lot of adjustment to the way I thought about things), but am so glad I gave it a go. Like Mary, I hope I don't need it for a long time, but I would not be here anymore if it wasn't for the medication and the support that went with it. If you don't try it, you won't know.

Thank you too Annie for dropping by my post. I'm battling a bit at the moment due to lack of sleep and too much pressure from deadlines, so I have been a bit scarce of late. I'll glad though that Mary and Quercus have been here helping - they are both two very special people with a truck load of compassion and experience.

May you reclaim the joy in life

TA

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

​How are you feeling today? I'm glad if my post helped you. 😊

Now.... I have issues with this....

'My issues seem trivial compared to others'

Nope. Not trivial. Not in the slightest. Not even a little bit. Your feelings and worries are just as real and important as everyone elses. You are important. And worth listening to and taking care of. But I get it if you read my thread I said the same thing. I'm sure everyone says that. We just have to accept that we're worthwhile and important.

Ok side effects I can work with.... these are my experiences and thoughts....

Control - I feel more in control of myself on medication. Getting some relief from the depression has given me the ability to cope with my therapy. I have learnt to recognise triggers and why I react certain ways. Before meds I was not in a place mentally to even approach analysing myself.

Sleep - Generally I struggle to sleep but have improved a lot by setting a routine.

Weight - No weight gain on meds. I have lost a few kgs by having energy on meds to exercise.

Nausea/Vomiting - I had headaches for a few days when starting meds. I drank lots of water and rested and they stopped after a few days. Didn't experience nausea or vomiting though. Psych said a lot of the side effects reduce and sometimes dissappear after a few weeks.

If the side effects remain its a matter of weighing up the benefits and side effects. If the benefit is outweighed or you can't deal with the side effect you try something else.

Libido - Yeah this I can comment on. Med one reduced desire temporarily but it came back after my body adjusted.  All comes down to your choice. You have control. You decide what is ok for you and what's not.

Shame - I have come to accept that depression is a medical condition. Just like my autoimmune disease. There is no shame in needing to manage a health condition. Also... I find it helpful to think I am managing my health condition rather than think I'm fighting the depression. That way if I have a bad time I'm not failing I'm just needing to manage my mental health better.

Anyway there's my five cents worth. Hope it helps you 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Well here are two great posts from two great people. They have said pretty much what I was going to say about taking medication. Being in control, or wanting to feel in control is a huge part of refusing meds.

Abyss commented, I love my husband, so decided I could no longer put him through the "me" without medication.
I love my husband, and for the first time in a very long time, I actually have a libido. Well there's a different take. Please think about it.

One thing I suggest you consider. Taking medication and finding it doesn't work or has unacceptable side effects is disappointing. Having a change in that medication show a willingness to put yourself in control. It's not like having surgery to remove part of your body and then deciding you want that bit back again. Too late. Taking meds means you are testing the waters, checking if it helps, perhaps living with side effects for a short time until they wear off, but you can always stop taking meds if this is really what you want.

So why not give it a try and see how much it helps. Chat to your doctor again.

Now I know the ladies and me have been pushing you a bit on this. It's time for us to stop and let you make up your own mind, with help from your doctor, on to medicate or not to medicate. 😊

I would like to know how you feel after you have read these posts.

Mary