help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Hi Quercus

There is no need to apologise. Every post on here comes from a kind person, struggling with their own problems but willing to reach out and help someone else. I appreciate your words but worry that you get overwhelmed. Take it easy on yourself hey?

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

Thanks for understanding. Yeah I do take it easy generally (or try to) I only look at new posts on good days. Other days I stick with the familiar threads 😊.

How have you been going? Have you seen your counsellor lately or generally feeling good? You wrote about writing a letter to your younger self. I kept wondering did that help you? I thought about it when you wrote that and honestly didn't think anything I would write would make me feel better about myself or what happened. I just wonder if you want to could you explain why that was helpful?

Anyway really just popped by to say hello and hope you're having a good weekend.

[annie45]

Hi Quercus

It sounds as though you're having a rough time at the moment. I hope it improves soon for you- it sucks I know!! I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

The letter to myself helped my change my perspective. It's hard to explain. I wrote it as advice I would give any 12-14 year old struggling to find their way in the world. It allowed me to view my childhood with a different perspective. Instead of seeing what I remembered, I saw it from a grown ups perspective. As a kid I was very independent, i looked after my older parents and fought with a older brother who fought with them constantly and bullied me. I prided myself on being tough and resilient not weak like my parents but I guess in hindsight it simply laid the foundation for burying any emotion.

I think we are often far more critical of ourselves than we are of others. I had been thinking about my childhood and how it lacked love, support and understanding but I felt shame and guilt whenever I tried to blame my parents for their crappy efforts.

Writing the letter released me of the emotions around the facts. It allowed me to lay blame without feeling guilt and to compliment myself without feeling boastful. I was able to identify my good qualities and acknowledge them without feeling as though I was full of myself.

As I said it's hard to explain but I hoped that helped?

At the moment I'm feeling better. I'm not seeing my counsellor while I'm feeling well as I don't want to wreck this -she agreed as long as I promised to return as soon as I felt myself sliding. To be honest each day I feel like I'm on the edge. I'm working hard to stay on track, controlling my music, preparing what I'm going to do with the kids the day before, meal planning, ensuring i get enough sleep ect just to keep my momentum. It sounds crazy but it's really helping though. Most days i hit a hurdle along the way, but having plans in place helps propel me forward. Each day that I survive without slipping my confidence increases. I know that there is a lot of unresolved issues that I need to sort out, and am expecting the black dog back some day, but hopefully it's not for a while.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

Thanks for your explanation I'm not sure it will help me but maybe down the track. I got a book from my library called "Opening up by writing it down" which I suppose works along similar lines. Funny I haven't cracked the cover yet. Have attacked the garden books instead.

I think you're very smart having plans in place. I find the days I plan things to do with my kids go better. The last few days have been pretty horrible. My ferals are just both at exhausting phases (little miss shrieks endlessly and little mr is pushing boundaries). Thank goodness its psychiatrist day tomorrow.

But enough about me. I'm really pleased that you're doing ok. And it's good that your counsellor made you promise to come back just remember you don't have to go downhill to be able to go see her. Sometimes it helps just to check in and talk even when you feel ok.

Feel free to keep writing here too if you feel like it. I love hearing people's good days it keeps the mood up in the forums 😊

Take care Annie45.

[annie45]

Hi Quercus
I hope it's all going well. Tried a bit of Jon Bellion the other day...two thumbs up. Reminded me a bit of 360 - esp flying and falling.

Hows that book going? Opening up by writing it down?

Do you do things like playgroups or story time at the library? I find the kids really enjoy it and it's a small time that you don't have to parent. Just a thought.

Hope all is going well in your world.

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

I'm ok today bit of a headache (meds went up today) but pretty good after therapy yesterday.

The book didn't grip me at all. I read a few chapters and didn't get into it in the slightest. So went back to garden design and plant books haha.

I'm glad you enjoyed Jon Bellion. We were driving to the park today and another of his songs was on the radio (looks like he won't be secret for much longer haha). Seriously though I love his music. Haven't heard 360 will have to check them out.

Yeah we did Rhyme time at the library but now do swimming lessons once a week and playgroup once a week. Enough for me for now ☺

How have you been?

[annie45]

ok... so no more putting this off. I'm back to square one. I've closed myself off, denying that there's anything wrong. I'm doing 101 things to keep busy and distracted but I know the truth. It's still there and getting worse each day. It's taken me a week to write this post and tonight I'm going to tell hubby that I need to return to counselling. I need help but just can't ask. Feeling extremely frustrated right now

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

​Sorry I wasn't online today to reply quicker. How are you feeling now? Did you talk to hubby or even show him your post? I'm so glad you reached out and wrote here. And it's a good thing that you've recognised what's happening and going to the counsellor.

Have you thought about talking to her about medication? I know you wanted to avoid meds but to be honest sometimes there is a time and place when they are required. I was annoyed at myself for rejecting the idea of meds all my life after I started them and realised they had a huge effect on the amount of anxiety I felt. It was only on meds I realised the amount of anxiety I had about day to day things wasn't 'just how I am'.

Really it is your decision but I think it might be worth having the conversation with your counsellor and GP if you are putting their techniques into action and still feeling depressed.

What do you think? I hope you take care of yourself Annie45.

[The_Abyss]

The roller coaster of life can really get to you can't it.

I relate so well to what you are going through. I have struggled badly since February and have had so many ups and downs since. I get better briefly and then plummet all over. (My journey is the the longterm support section).

I too had thoughts of self harm. I would fantasise about them, but never told anyone. I never planned to act on them, they were just thoughts. Finally I had the courage to tell my GP and he was nothing but understanding. He referred me to counselling and he kept tabs on me to make sure I was OK. Unfortunately things got so bad at one stage I followed through, just needing to escape. It wasn't talking about it that made me do it, it was just that I was no longer coping. I was started on medication shortly afterwards.

I too was against medications. I battled it, and so many other things. Eventually I had to accept it. Now, three months on, I am finally having more up days than down. It took a bit to balance them, and I had to take other medication to counteract the side effects, but I hate to admit it has been worth it.

I still have regular slips - mostly hormone or trigger related, but the down times don't last as long.

Have an honest conversation with your GP. Even better, have an honest conversation with yourself and then your counsellor. Make regular counselling appointments, even if you don't think you'll need them as when you are feeling well, it's the ideal time to deal with some of the background stuff. When you are in crisis, everything is focused on just getting you through the crisis.

Also, keep journalling. You can be honest in your journal. It's easier to say what you really think and feel without repercussion. It might also give you the courage to come back here and be honest, and to be honest with your counsellor without fear.

Just know Annie that we all care for you and we have all been in your position.

Take care

TA

[annie45]

Thanks Quercus and TA
Couldn't bring myself to tell hubby last night - might aim for tonight. I just can't get the words to come out.

I have been thinking about meds for a while but I still can't convince myself. It's stupid reasons I know but still. I don't want to feel like I've lost control. I read here about all the side affects and it worries me. It's vain but I simply couldn't stand putting on weight. I don't want a skin rash. I don't want my sleep changed (any more than it is now), I read about your struggles to find the right one, constantly changing levels or drugs and I can't convince myself that thats something I want to pursue.

Anyway at this moment I doubt that I could get the words out to describe how crap I'm feeling - I pretty good at downplaying symptoms. I like your idea about journalling TA - it's something that I haven't done for a while. Might give it a crack.

Thanks for your replies and care as always - this really is great place.