help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Hi all,
Just wanted to give everyone who responded to my post a heartfelt thank you. The warmth and caring has helped me feel like I'm not alone and I can ask for help.I just wanted to write a post to let you all know how I'm going. I've just returned from a weeks holiday, caravanning with friends which although I was very nervous about going to, I thoroughly enjoyed. There were a few days that I wasn't 100% but I was able to tell hubby and he let me have some space - which helped a lot. I definitely feel I'm over the worst of my depression for now, and I'm hoping that by continuing to do the counselling (something thats dropped off as soon as i got better in the past) I may stay well. I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self today which was part of my homework from the counsellor - a really interesting thing to do. Initially I cringed at the idea of dragging the past up, but now that it's done I can really see how the advice I gave my then self was still relevant today. I've still got a bit of work to do - forgiving a unforgivable act to start with, but I'm feeling hopefully which is something that I haven't felt for months. I wish you all the very best with your own personal journeys and hope that you are able to get your dog to heal - if not all of the time then most xx

[White_Rose]

Thank you Annie for letting us know how you are going.

It's a good idea to stay with your counsellor even if you think you are improving. As you have found out, and all of us here as well, feeling good for a few days does not mean you are well enough to stop counselling. Glad you are feeling hopeful because that's when the healing starts.

Forgiving the unforgivable is a hard task. I know because this is what I need to do. I know I will not be at peace until it's done and in reality the other person will not care two hoots what I think. Forgiveness is for ourselves, helping us to drag out the horribleness and send it on its way. Otherwise it continues to fester and stops us becoming the person we really are underneath.

Remember to come and talk to us any time you wish.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better!

I agree with Mary it's good that you are going to keep on with the counsellor.

You mentioned in your most recent post that you've stopped counselling before once you feel better. Does that mean you've felt like this before? Do your health providers know this?

It's important to explain to your GP or counsellor if it's not the first time you are experiencing depression. My psychiatrist has put me on medication and said I will be on them for at least a year probably more for the simple fact that this is my second major depressive event (the first went undiagnosed and untreated).

Feel welcome to keep writing and talking... You can be one of the stories that give people hope on the forum 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Just dropping by to say hello and how are you going. I hope all is well in your world. Remember we are here for the days when you feel down and when you feel fantastic. We love celebrating.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi all

I've had a rough couple of days. I find it so mentally exhausting to continue to fight the black dog. I try to ignore it, i tell myself self-affirming thoughts, i exercise, eat well and play happy music. I tell myself i'm on the improve, post here that i'm better but i'm not. Unfortunately this is what everyone sees so they assume I'm better too. I use every ounce of energy to fight it and not feed it but then I simply run out and it hits me like a freight train. I feel angry that I can't shake it, that it won't let me be the person I want to be.

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time at the moment! Depression is relentless huh. It's an ongoing fight and we're all with you especially on days like today.

It's time to focus on yourself again, your health is priority number one. If that means calling in reinforcements from your family and friends to give you a rest than so be it. Have you got an appointment with your counsellor booked? Forgive me but I've forgotten if you are on meds if so maybe have a chat to your GP and see what they think too.

Take care of yourself and feel free to talk more if you can.

[Jess108]

Hi Annie,

This is the first time I've been on this website as I have been feeling really down the last couple of and have experienced some intense feelings of self loathing and have been having some pretty unpleasant thoughts and wanting a release from them. I read your story and I can really relate to what you are feeling. Your last post made me register on this website so I could reply to you to let you know that you are not alone. That your story and what you're going through actually has helped me feel better - that I'm not the only one.

I think most of my life at certain times I have felt deep down that I'm just not good enough. Then I do things to try to make myself feel good enough. What I have just discovered is that much of that has led me to be inauthentic. I seem to do and say things sometimes that are really not me. I've been trying so hard to be someone better than me... and it's exhausting. And it turns out people don't actually like this pseudo identity I've unwittingly created. So I've decided I'm going to just stop trying be someone I'm not. Sometimes we get boxed in to being a certain way with certain people - we put on the brave, happy face, the outgoing personality - when actually it's all a farce to make people think we are worthwhile, happy, fun, likeable people. I want to be real. I want to be authentic. By realising this, some of the weight and burden has lifted. I've broken a loop in my mind. It's to do with acceptance. Acceptance of the situation, of reality and acceptance of myself. It's about letting go of all the stuff that is not important (the drama and negative thoughts) and trusting in the bigger picture of life. We are all on a journey. Nothing is a mistake if we can learn from it and turn it around and transform the negative into a positive.

I read something today that has also helped, The Little Book of Confidence by Susan Jeffers:

I call the voice of the Lower Self, the Chatterbox. It sounds like this: 'I'm not good enough.' 'I'll never get ahead.' 'Everyone else does it better than me'. 'Noone likes me.' Or any other thought that takes away your confidence. To quiet the chatterbox, commit to replacing it with the voice of the Higher Self which always tells you that your are good enough and pulls you up into the best of who you are.

Thank you for sharing your story and providing others with a window into your journey. I was really inspired by your honesty. Your authenticity!

Jess xx

[annie45]

Thanks Quercus

It's always nice to hear that there's support for me here. A little bit about myself - to fill in some gaps... I grew up early and learnt to fend for myself. Emotions were a weakness and needed to be supressed. Depression (undiagnosed and untreated) hit in my teens and lasted well into my early 20's. But I fought it and won. I became a confident, positive person. Unfortunately a few traumas happened along the way, which I conventionally didnt have time for and the emotions got squished down. The last few years have been full on with two kids 5&4. There's a lot less time for me and a lot more stress. I find asking for help to be a major weakness and extremely difficult to do. I'm working on improving this but it's bloody hard. I'm working as a personal trainer at the moment which is a challenge - it's emotionally draining to get up and empower others when you struggle holding yourself upright. I'm not on any meds and I'm very unwilling to go down that path. I think part of me is in denial about the severity of my depression whilst part of me is confident that I just need to shake it off and get on with things. I'm a big believer that with physical injury if you work hard enough at strengthening the supporting structures around an injury, then most things can be fixed. I'm prepared to do everything I can to fix this situation without meds, hopefully I can. I understand that meds are great for some people and i hope this doesn't come across as judgemental at all...

It all sounds so very logical of how im going to fix myself - i just wish it was as easy as this.....

thanks again for replying - I hope that you're having a good week

[annie45]

Welcome Jess!

I'm really happy that you have joined this community - its very supportive and knowledgeable. I'm sorry that you're feeling the way that you do. Finding ones place in the world can be really difficult and we don't need depression in our heads telling us nonsense like we are no good. Please read the amazing posts above regarding unpleasant thoughts and wanting release. They are horrible thoughts to experience and you need to make yourself safe.

I enjoyed reading your quote from the book. Unfortunately at the moment anytime I try to let my higher self speaker i get shivers down my spine, as if my body is repulsed but any talk of self worth or self affirmation. But i will continue to try

Please continue to post in this forum and in this thread as I can tell you have a lot of good wisdom. I hope that you find the support and comfort that I do from these amazing people.

All the best

[Quercus]

Hi Annie45,

I saw your reply on my thread and to be honest it's not good enough that I forgot to reply here. I appreciate you understanding but its one of the reasons I try and limit the amount of people I respond to.

I get overwhelmed. And I remind myself constantly that the people on here are just like me. Vulnerable. And needing to know they're important and worthwhile. And you are important and worthwhile so I am sorry.

You mentioned here unforgivable acts (and rape on my thread). Have you spoken about this to anyone? Does your husband or friends or counsellor or GP know? You've read my thread there are things we just can't bury and move on from. What's your opinion on this?

I agree with what you wrote above about wanting to do everything possible to avoid meds. That was me for most of my life. Then I got to a point where I just couldn't keep myself together anymore.

Now I've accepted sometimes meds are necessary. That doesn't mean relying solely on meds. All of the other things we do (mindfullness, therapy, exercise, diet... List goes on) are equally as necessary. I've come to accept depression is a medical illness no less than my autoimmune disease. I accept I need meds to help me to walk along with my diet and exercise and losing weight so it's really no different to need meds to support my mind along with the other techniques I use. What do you feel about this?

Now...just to make sure you have more support... Have you read the threads by Fiasco or Stressless? They are both in a similar place as you and I. And I meant what I said about you being welcome on my thread too please feel free to join any conversation (the same goes to you Jess108!).

Take care and I look forward to talking to you more.