Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Thank you for the kind words 😊

I'm glad you and X will be spending more time together. She really does seem to be intellectually and emotionally attuned to you, which is a gorgeous start to any potential relationship.

As for intimacy, maybe just take it as it comes. I'm sure when the mood strikes, you'll know it's the right time. Maybe sometimes you just can't rush things and you just have to let things run its natural course.

Thanks for the sparks (I hope each one plays a musical note) 🎧

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Wow, you seem very thoughtful and respectful. I mean, I don't mind if you read my threads. It's all good and you don't need my "permission" to read them. In saying that, it really was a very nice gesture to ask.

As for etiquette, I'm pretty sure anything goes here ha, ha. We're all pretty open minded.

I don't think you're posting too much. If it feels "right" then post away...I'm glad you can relate to us here.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Firstly...Hi D-Girl!

I so love your responses hun. An old soul in a young body...stay amaze! I read with enthusiasm and gratitude that you're here with us, and your staying power to continue visiting this thread is much appreciated. Mwah!

Hey Sweet-Corn!

Missing you...hope all's well!

Dear Croix;

I remember people telling me not to be so hard on myself...back atcha!

Rules on here only address formal etiquette ok? You've been invited and appreciated for your presence...nuff said..

Continuing to tell your story clarifies your trust in us; that's an honour for me! Over time this will develop and evolve as it has with all of us. Trust of course is earned, unlike childhood 'unconditional' love which includes 'hopeful' trust. When this is eroded over time, it becomes part of the PTSD cycle.

The most useful words my beautiful Psychologist said to me was; "Stop worrying about trusting others, and trust yourself!!" She seemed cross with me at the time, so I took it to heart. But in the following days it 'stuck' and was a pivotal moment in my recovery. It made decisions and options more complex for a while due to boundaries and self protection issues. But...I finally 'got' it!

When all's said and done, we can only be accountable for ourselves. So finding greatness inside and accepting it, was one of my most useful insights. How else could I have ventured into a place called 'coming out'?

I 'had' to take a risk and trust Corny's words and advice. It paid off big time as is now being realised in my physical reality. So glad I did!!

One day I'll call this 'history'. Each decision I make will take me to where I 'want' to go. Not because who X is, but who I am. I'm proud as punch of 'me'! I've worked long and hard at accepting me and will continue to do what it takes; be forgiving of my mistakes, gentle and kind to me, and accept loss or love as a path to knowledge and insight. Either way I win!

Hugs to all...Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

Hey Guys,

Sara, you're oozing positive change right now, I am so incredibly stoked for you. Ups & downs remain, but that's life, it doesn't matter how fast or how far you can run, who you fall in love with or hook up with, life is imperfect, because we are imperfect. I certainly am! But the energy shift really comes across even on an online forum and I think that despite the down days that inevitably come, you've made seismic shifts and you ought to be proud girl!

Croix, I really want to chat to you about loss & PTSD because I can absolutely relate to what you have written with reference to minimising your stressors/senses to cope with PTSD. With regard to love, I met a beautiful couple at a funeral in your situation. They both had buried their wife/husband approximately 18 mths prior, but guess what? Although in intense grief they are so in love and so happy, but with tears in their eyes. They weren't using each other as rebounds, they'd genuinely connected on a deep level and apparently some judgmental people found this distasteful and disrespectful. I don't know about you, but 'life' has never been polite to me, especially as it concerns the 'timing' of events! Screw societal expectations and pressures, nothing like a funeral to re-remind you of what's important & that often we operate from a place of being concerned about what other people will think of us.

Dots I see a lot of myself in you, so naturally I will worry. The 20s are rough! You've just escaped your own personal hell & you're trying to figure out 1. what the hell happened and 2. Where to from here. It is no mean feat to make it to 30 without at least one parent or tribal elder guiding you. You're amaze Dots!

I suppose because I chat on here a lot about my PTSD and rape people forget I am also a daughter. A daughter of a desperately unwell Mum with schizophrenia who was traumatised and victimised in DV, & a daughter of a man that brutalised us all & killed himself. Xmas/NY is an extremely stressful time for my family. Mum is showing her usual signs she exhibits before a crash, and to top it off all the carers are on annual leave so of course we have to pick it up. When she's like this she becomes very clingy, especially of me because I lived with her after Dad died and held her up. Understandably I won't be around as much because on top of all of that I am processing my own nervous breakdown this year, and still coming to terms with Oh So How Very Low I got! 2016 I will not miss you x

[Croix]

Dear Cornie, Sara and Dottie all together~

Thank you all very much for coming back to me with understanding, it's quite a relief. I was afraid that I might have caused the butterfly to start or change course - not because of anything specific but because I know the importance 'personal space' has in life and I had acted impulsively before thinking what harm I might be doing.

The only tangible personal spaces one can have here are particular threads and also the trail of previous posts scattered throughout the site - some of which some people might prefer to forget.

I do know that all of us are uncomfortable when personal space is encroached upon, and that if one has had to face the more devastating things that life has to offer the reaction can be very much greater (It was in my case when my injury was at its peak – the approach of anyone other than my wife and offspring made me want to back away - and even them on occasion)

I'm most happy you all sounded comfortable with my delving a little further than this thread

As all of you well know trying to offer even a crumb of lightness is so hard, it may be just about impossible at times. That’s why I came back here after reading Dottie's post and rabbited on abut trust – it was an attempt to do something rather than nothing, with the possibility it might help a little at some time - (maybe a bit like doing the easiest question in an exam first)

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
You seem so much more grounded now, and I think serving me back with something I had previously said might have had an element of enjoyment to it:)

Please take time to just enjoy the feeling of the new relationship and new vistas before you, there may be ups and downs as Corny said, but for the moment just bask in it if you can - it may help help heal other moments.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~
Frankly the reason I looked beyond this place was because of you. All the way back you have being giving mature wisdom, comfort and support. That concerned me as in my life I've found eternal giving is not viable, there has to be a taking too

That's not to say you other folks don't give - you do in spades! However Dottie you appeared really exceptional

As a result I found the recent post where you were not in a good place (and you Corny sounded distraught too). While the fact you were in distress upset me, paradoxically I was a tad relieved that you were getting something more back than just the knowledge of helping, just helping can become a lonely occupation

As you know I then came back here.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Corny~

I don't think in my case that's accurate, it was indeed a rebound, it’s just that popular myth holds that this is unwise/doomed to failure/unfair on the other. We both had very similar emotional experiences, still loved our deceased partners and were alone.

We did however have room for more love despite the hurt (my idea is that it's one of the few things that the more you give out the more you have). We also were quickly able to relate one to the other because of our pasts and were helped along by attraction, humour and fun.

I had the blessing of having an offspring and his partner (the lass who contracted leukemia) who really understood that wanting to re-marry was a tribute to the happiness my late wife had given and not an attempt to hastily discard her

Talking of personal space - when my wife comes close, even when cross - I don't feel invaded, mostly I just want to grin (which makes her madder of course)

< written with reference to minimising your stressors/senses to cope>
Fact is I ran away, retreated, sought distraction, mostly did not face up to anything. I've always been a dedicated reader and sought refuge in books, though my choice changed radically. No more gritty realism. I lost myself in the innocent worlds of childrens' (or more exactly young adults') books.

This no doubt goes against all known wisdom (and is probably fattening too) but I looked on it as respite. The drugs of the time were either mind-flattening to bulldozer standards or completely ineffectual, and that's all there was. Remember it was a very long time ago. A tablet can give relief from a headache, and escape gave me relief from my situation, pain, grief and despair.

Of course I was no use to anyone else at the time. My wife and her mother bore the brunt of day-to-day living.

Croix

[Cornstarch]

Wow Croix how interesting.

I was listening to a podcast not long ago, I have absolutely no memory of what it was called, but it was discussing various cultures and how Western culture is obsessed with marrying the perfect one ie the one and only true love we ever have and have spent years finding. Whereas other cultures teach that learning to love the one we've married can be just as satisfying in the long term.

It sounds like you were hit by the PTSD stick many years ago, long before 1980 when it became legit in the DSM and the therapies on offer were far from ideal. Unfortunately they have not really progressed and we are offered stuff borrowed to help other stuff!

I believe you are a police officer? Some moronic fool journalist in the U.K. has just claimed that non military people cannot develop PTSD and that we are insulting them to suggest we may. He's rant was in reply to Lady Gaga and Madonnas discussion of their earlier life traumas of sexual assault and that they essentially lied to seek attention and sell records. Maybe he'd be more sympathetic to police officers but domestic violence and interpersonal trauma apparently wash over us.

We clearly have a long way to go.

Regardless of your suggestion that you didn't cope very well you must be very smart to be able to experience such debilitating symptoms and yet concentrate well enough to read. I can't even read one page when my brain is funking out, it is so frustrating I scream at my head some days.

So happy you had room for more love, and it's funning how you grin at your wife when she's mad. I love it. 😜

I agree with you Croix re: Dots giving of herself. Remember traffic goes in both directions Dots, and you don't want to give and give and give where it is not appreciated or reciprocated. I learnt the hard way, take it from us older crazy cats, it simply does not work in life for very long before you run out of puff.

Friendships, exchanges, chats, encounters, whatever, are meant to be reciprocated and there are so many takers out there ya gotta be discerning in order to take care of your own health.

Enjoy your evening guys

🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Um...yes...I'm apparently 20 going on 90 ha, ha. Joking aside, thank you 😊

I agree with Croix and Corny that there's a spring in your step (or posts) lately. And so you should be proud of yourself. Whatever happens with X (& life in general), you're starting to really own your life. You're finally starting to answer to yourself after all these years. You've come out and come into your own. Whoooohoooo!!!

Happy for you.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx