Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Corny~
I was indeed a cop and initially diagnosed prior to the term PTSD becoming commonplace - in my day it was 'stress related disorders', I've had 'chronic anxiety added to it at some stage too.) but that's just a label. I guess it can make a difference in initial approach to treatments, however if it walks like a duck.... etc. hopefully the treatments chase after the symptoms anyway.

As far as I can see mental trauma occurs in all walks of life, public popular conceptions not withstanding. Who is to say if military related injury is more harrowing than civilian - I certainly wouldn't try to make a judgment. All I can see is injured people.

I didn't have to be smart to run away! I have been an avid reader since I was a tot. It's ingrained in me and at that time I wanted desperately to loose myself. I can't say I always got full measure out of each book, but definitely enough to whirl me way to a different, simpler and kinder world. I'd imagine from your posts you might get the same sort of respite from music - do you play?

I'm glad you take the same view over Dottie, as I said I was somewhat relieved to see she was capable of sharing her pain too and inviting help (sorry to talk abut you in the 3rd person Dottie - no disrespect intended)

As far as cultural differences in regard to marriage are concerned my own experience is that one is initially attracted to a person by their looks and their soul, and that learning to live together follows fueled by the love one gives and receives

My view of successful dating is not quantity, but firstly having the belief you have something to offer, and secondly really looking at the person you are interacting with

- Croix the vastly experienced talking here 🙂

P.S. I'd still like to know why you say 'oink'?

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Wow, thank you 😊

You're right, I'm definitely still figuring things out.

Seriously, I don't know how you do it. I genuinely don't understand why some people are dealt the cards they are in life. You obviously love your mum immensely. Still...holding her up must be some hefty load- no matter how much you love her. If it's any (however small) consolation, I think your mum is lucky to have you because not all children would return to the family home to look after an unwell parent.

Oh and your father's DV and suicide plus your PTSD and rape...I'm horrified and saddened by it all. I bet Sara and Croix are thinking the same thing as me, which is "where can we find a magic wand to make all this crap go away for you?"

It's completely understandable if you're not around as much during the Xmas/NY period. You have to look after yourself first and foremost, not to mention support your mum. I'll miss you but oxygen mask on self before the next person.

You really are amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thank you, I'm touched that you care so much about my wellbeing. Much appreciated.

I go through phases. Sometimes I'll open up and other times, less so. On other people's threads- like you- if I talk about myself, it's generally to either support a point or to show that I can empathise.

Sometimes I'll shut down a bit in the sense that I'll still respond to threads but I won't really say much about how I'm currently feeling. The reason is talking about myself can sometimes reopen old wounds so I tread (somewhat) carefully when it comes to sharing.

Usually when I do post about myself, that's when I'm really struggling. If I'm struggling moderately, I generally won't say much.

And it's all good about talking about me in 3rd person. No stress.

Now I'm just rambling ha, ha.

Again, thank you. Your words meant a lot to me.

Corny, I get what you're saying about reciprocity. You're right. In saying that, I don't really have expectations that most people that I respond to will write back or reply to my threads. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it a lot when they do but I just don't have that expectation. I generally have a fairly good idea of the handful of people who are likely to write supportive posts, respond, etc.

It sort of reflects my offline life. I have a large circle of friends but only a small number of close friends. I know who I can and can't turn to in an emergency situation. So I don't get too upset when my random friends aren't there for me because that's just not the friendship dynamic- I don't expect them to be there.

Anyways, that's my weird thought process ha, ha.

You both stay amaze, okay?

Dottie xxx

Thank you for the love and concern.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Corn cob and Croix,

Croix, I realise this was more directed st Corny than me (apologies to all for briefly hijacking this thread) re: finding solace in music.

I love, love, love music. Hey, I play! I'm classically trained on piano and thank goodness, my parents let me take the piano when I moved out (well, we had 2...then grand was off limits but they let me take the upright).

I also play guitar but personally prefer the piano (not a reflection of the intrinsic quality of the instruments but it's just down to personal taste).

Anyways, gotta get back to work.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Corny Dottie Sara

Corny~
I’ll think of you when you can’t post and hope the X/NY period passes without too many hassles.

I apologize for being about to say what you no doubt already know – the three of you have the wisdom market pretty well cornered - however another voice can sometimes bring something to the forefront of the mind

Dottie is right, your Mother is very lucky you are there for her, please don’t try so hard that you expend all you have to give – a generous portion of it has to be for you. Sometimes it seems like it's ruthless not to answer an urgent need immediately. Often however those needs are endless. Another of my extended family is like that and her needs are never met, except on the shortest of terms basis.

Blood donors cannot donate till they drop. They have an external body that does not allow them to exsanguinate themselves (they pull out the tube and stuff a biscuit in your mouth). I guess self-regulation is harder.

As you’d be aware from other times your presence can in itself be a comfort, even if not acknowledged.

I’m sitting in my office in the back room, the clock is ticking on the wall, the house is quiet and the un-Cheshire cat has dis-appeared to it's bed. This is exactly the same as after my first wife died, same room, same clock, same house. It’s completely different though. The house is quiet because my wife is away at work but will be home, her presence is with me. My state of mind is so different from when I was really by myself. Your Mother must get the same feeling - at least at some level.

oxygen mask on self before the next person is a great way to put it. It gets rid of all thoughts the person might be selfish or has the ‘me first’ attitude; and just simply sets out what’s necessary – a great phrase Dottie, Ta.

Dottie~
Ta too for the appreciation – don't be surprised though, your well-being is worth anyone’s concern. I’ve read most carefully you neat, logical and self-reliant account of how you operate and your 4-unit odyssey at the Uni - and also your reason for your un-avatar. –Hmmm.

I'm also pretty please with your message about your solace in music that just came in whilst I was writing this - I would say "ain't that grand" - however that would be inappropriate under the circumstances (& it's impossible for you to hijack if it is impossible for me 🙂


Sara~
It’s lovely to just say enjoy! What's your next avatar going to be?

My affectionate best wishes to you all

Croix

[Just Sara]

I'm sitting at my laptop a little emotional (in a good way) reading in awe. I couldn't have anticipated a better group to converse with. Isn't it beautiful how each can bring out the best in others and vice versa? I'm feeling so grateful and humbled by the above posts. Actually, somewhat inadequate. This isn't to say I don't feel of value, on the contrary; I've been left with little to add as you've all been doing a fab job contributing.

As with MarkJT's thread on concentration issues re PTSD, the many matters above blend as I read. I want so much to add my say, but continually have to pan upwards to revisit your words. It saddens me...

On other threads, the issues are defined from the get-go, so focus is easier. On here, I can be me and talk about my day to day stuff knowing there's 'listeners' who care. This new format is challenging me; please don't take this as a negative as challenges are my way of staying alive. What I'm asking for is patience and tolerance if I don't address each issue with wise counsel or compassion for instance ok? It may take time for me to adjust.

I appreciate every syllable of beauty from your amazing souls. Each in your own way shows individualised spirit, wisdom and intellect much admired and respected by me. I've only just accepted these attributes in myself. You mirror those qualities I've avoided seeing my whole life, so having you all in one space together has me in fog brain mode, however..."this too shall pass"

Croix..I've been thinking about changing my Avatar as the fight in me is subsiding. Unlike Sarah Conner, my son doesn't need me to protect him anymore and fear of an unknown future is fading. Her physical prowess was my goal in life, but it too is morphing into...well something else.

CornSpirit/Star..I recall your words re 'pre abuse' trust/love; it struck a cord. I've organised LGBTI counsel from a local psych who was also involved in the Catholic Priest (necessary) 'Inquisition'. I'm looking forward to meeting her in January. Your subject will be my first question..thankyou sincerely.

My dear sweet D-Girl..your discomfort with my compliments gives little room for comment sometimes. I personally 'suffer' when people can't seem to accept their greatness. This isn't about you; it's a need in me to feel safe. I mentioned above only now accepting my own greatness. I hope one day it will strike you down peacefully as it has me...

Cyber hugs...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
You have in some ways glimpsed the secret garden, the one surrounded by a high wall with access only via the most rigorous and bloody of efforts. Inside urgency is less, decorations and follys take the attention, trees give ease.

Adjustment from taking time to washing away the blood of daily fights leaves a hole to be filled. May I respectfully suggest you don't consciously try to fill it. Talk about anything, it does not have to be a 'Great Thought'(tm). The feel of your day, misplacing a spoon in the kitchen (or spooning with X), it does not matter, your friends are interested and will gain from it, we will enjoy it no matter what it is and revel in the contact with you.

Corny was right in the further battles will probably be ahead - that's life. Changing your avatar is fine, but remember you ARE a warrior - something cute, pink and fuzzy might be a tad over the top:)

I suspect that soon enough the inner strength, tenacity and skill of the fighter will be required, maybe in different ways than those which you are used to. Turn your thoughts to peace (and trivia:) in the lull

Affectionately, Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for reading my replies so carefully (and for tolerating the many typos ha, ha). Also thank you for the care and support- I appreciate it a lot.

Oh yes, music is my crutch. Goodness, you guys have just started me on one of my favourite topics (& things in life).

I'll come back with more relevant responses to everyone's posts later but can I just be self indulgent for a bit and harp on about music?

Music is my safe place. Some of my happiest and most cherished memories revolved around music.

My first piano teacher introduced me to Beethoven, Brahms, Schumann, Chopin and a whole host of other composers. She hosted recitals at her place where we (her students) performed. I remember having to learn Italian terms that were/are commonplace in music, which I thought was oh-so-boring at the time but am now grateful for learning.

Later on, she recommended me to a concert pianist for tutelage. I still had to audition for him and it was incredibly intimidating; he was a great pianist and I was this little nobody. Anyway, he took me under his wing. I was so happy!

Compared to my first teacher, he had (understandably) much higher expectations and also had a different teaching style. My first teacher would often play multiple pieces for me and ask me to choose one to learn.

Whereas the concert pianist more or less dictated what I learnt. I didn't mind though because he was very talented and knew his craft. I learnt a lot of Brahms under his instruction (plus other pieces but he adored Brahms).

Sometimes he would play clips of different renowned pianists performing the same piece to give me an idea of how a piece could be played. I remember there was a Chopin piece (I'm embarrassed that I don't remember the name of it) but he wanted me to play it with more "tone" so showed me how to elicit a richer sound from the piano.

I remember he once gave me chocolates (for Xmas) where the packaging had Mozart's portrait on it. Of course, even when it came to chocolate, he had to bring music into it ha, ha. I'm not sure if his poor wife could ever compete with the piano (which I firmly believe was his greatest love).

Anyways, I like contemporary music too. It's all about "the feels" for me when it comes to music.

Sorry to bore you guys ha, ha. Self indulgent moment down memory lane there 😉

Y'all stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~
I think that may be the first post I've read from you 'con allegrezza' 'senza dolore' AND hardly a word of support to others either - it was happy - 'bravo'!

If we could all train ourselves to be as kind to ourselves as you did just then - even half the time - we'd be mighty indeed!

Affectionately, Croix

[Guest_322]

Thank you Croix,

"With liveliness" and "without sorrow" indeed.

I don't really know what to say other than to say thank you 😊 You somehow reworded my "self indulgence" into kindness towards oneself, which was definitely unexpected. That's very generous and kind of you.

I think you and Corny managed to touch on something that makes me tick, which just so happened to be music ha, ha. Seriously, I could go on about music forever (and ever and ever).

Can I ask do you play any instruments? I'm very curious!

Many thanks again for your support and your help in bringing out a different side of me (the side whose eyes light up at the sound of music or the promise of a discussion about music).

Sorry Sara and Corn Star, I'll zip it about music in a bit and we will return to more relevant stuff. You know I love both of you too!

Dottie xxx