Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Wow, what an explosion of posts in such a short space of time? But that's a good thing 😉

Oops...my bad. Thanks for elaborating in your follow-up post. It seems that maybe the universe has finally answered your prayer. What a remarkable turn of events- you really are growing into your own skin.

This special lady seems so emotionally attuned to you. The 2 of you seem to have really connected, which is very beautiful. I mean, you said so yourself, you're starting to receive what you have always given. Change is definitely in the air.

You'll figure it out, I'm sure. As has been said by Croix, try not to be too hard on yourself. This is something new and different so it takes time to find your feet.

Croix, aw thanks. You're too kind but thanks for the encouraging words 😊

Sara, here's to your evolving sense of self and to getting to know yourself (and this special woman).

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. The day of her burial must have been devastating. I don't personally know what it's like to lose a partner but it sounds like you had a beautiful 25 year run with your first wife.

I guess you know yourself best and remarrying relatively quickly must have been the right decision for you on a personal level. Hey, you're over 20 years into it and still going strong so it seems to have worked/be working for you. I'm glad you and your current wife have each other.

And I'm sorry about your daughter-in-law too. So much loss.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie

Thank you for coming back to me with sympathy, you sound a very empathetic person.

I don't really know why I set out things as I did, it's the first time in 2+ years on the bb forums I've spontaneously mentioned my background without it being a tool or example to show someone else I can understand or other similar reason. I guess this little corner is a special one.

I believe the grief from losing somebody one loves is a part of the 'natural order' of things - it's part of life and faced by just abut everyone at some time or times in their lives. Though devastating its a sign of having had love in one's life, and is the deferred price one pays for that love - I would not forgo that love, no matter what the price..

My quick re-marriage (which raised many eyebrows ) was exactly right as my wife was very ill for 18 months so her passing away was anticipated. My new partner had come from a very similar situation though it was a couple of years in the past for her. We clicked, we are both un-reasonably fortunate to have found each other.

These are not unusual problems, its my reaction to times in the police that have well and truly stuffed things up, even though as a Workers' Comp case I've had no problems with the cost of treatment. The physical ailments, mental impairment, anxiety, guilt, frustration etc etc will I suppose always be there, though thankfully the intensity of reliving scenes is less nowadays.

That's why I choose the walrus as a symbol, it too has a mustache, can (could in my case) look formidable but is only able to live in a very restricted environment as do I (I don't have the same protruding teeth though:)

Oh dear, I've just done it again and dumped my ills on you all - you're a bad influence 🙂

Croix

[Just Sara]

Morning Croix;

This little corner as you put it, has magic. Corny and Dot are the wand holders who wave it with skill. It's my go-to place of solace; open, honest chin wags that delight, inform, support and encourage...a place to call home.

It's nice to see you opening up considering you've been a voyeur for so long. I read your story with interest; I'm glad you felt comfortable doing this and got something out of it.

I understand the situation you were placed in as a widow and the kizmit clandestine meeting of minds and hearts. When it's right, it's right...right is might. Power to you and the longevity of love...that's a welcome addition to our lives here on BB for sure. So thankyou for sharing Croix...

You've done some great work on your PTSD it seems. There's always room here for experience and the wisdom that follows. It's rampant in our society especially the workforce and those affected by sexual assault; childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Even though the environments and events differ, symptoms need addressing and that's where we come in.

But, we too need to move forward; that's why this thread is so important to me. The more I learn and grow, the more I have to offer.

So well done for opening up and trusting us; it's an honour...

Thankyou also for mentioning me (3 things to be thankful for) in your post. I'm assuming it was me; I'll feel pretty stupid if it wasn't!

Hugs...Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie Girl!

I love to read your words hun, such supportive clarity. You are of course correct in every way; I'm also here for a good time, not just a long time. Universal lessons and opportunities abound if we just open our eyes sometimes. I did thank goodness!

X and I are already planning our next get-together. It's going to be more casual where some travel is involved. We do talk well together and I love this. I've mellowed a bit on the intimacy situation...you can't catch up on the one you missed out on yeah? Ha ha..

I'm in positive mode today, so I hope it spreads like a brush fire. Sending some sparks your way my sweet...whoosh...

Love you...Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey Sweet Corn Star!!

What would I do without you lovely? I remember when you were the first who replied to my sexuality cries on; 'Am I the only one?' And here we are! You mentored and encouraged me this whole time. How grateful and humble I feel; you are a STAR!!

I couldn't have done it without your advice and gentle pushes...

I would so love to be able to return the favour one day. Give me that opportunity and I'm there!!

Take solace in the knowledge that your greatness shines so bright..it reached all the way to me..just like the star you are..

Mega hugs...Sara xOxO

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie and Cornie (Jack Cornfield I hope you don't mind the liberty with your name)

Of course the friend is a reference to you Sara! How could it not be with such a happy milestone. I guess that whatever happens your horizons have now well and truly expanded and your life changed for the better.

The only marvel I find is that I can see someone as a real friend in an environment where words are the only medium - when I first joined the forums I never anticipated that. In the beginning I had intended just to peruse threads, trying to glean a few facts that might improve my condition. That morphed into giving the odd word of encouragement based on my own experiences, and has now blossomed into a garden where friendships are the flowers.

Thanks to all three of you for listening to my tale and letting me hog* the thread , I really am having a hard time explaining to myself why I've set out my problems relating to my exit from the police and continuing disabilities, (it's certainly not for hope of a magic cure, I think I'm now pretty well stuck with what I've got after so many years,) so I guess I don't know myself as well as I might.

*Corny why do you say 'oink'?

My best wishes

Croix

[Croix]

Later: Dear Corny, Sara and Dottie

It’s taken me a fair number of goes - as concentration tends to go and hide behind my back where I can’t reach it - but I’ve read all this thread. Amazing and heart-wrenching

Corny & Dottie you have other threads where you talk more about yourselves. While I haven’t read them all I’ve made a start. The reason - I’d like to find out more about you for simple friendship’s sake

You’ve mentioned 'trust' in what I’ve read & I’d like to share my ideas -even though they may be skewed.

Trusting and being trusted fulfills a deep need. Children gives it naturally – mainly to their parents & family. If all works out that’s great, if not it can be crippling. An adult has more choice (though they may not always recognise it) both to award trust, and to what degree.

I’ll tell you about my experiences, not for sympathy – I’m ok with it all - but to give you an idea what setbacks trust can survive and still be available.

My father a clergyman, my mother a businesswoman. They had fixed views. When I decided to marry someone they thought unsuitable their ‘love’ vanished & I was disinherited (which actually worked out well)

In the police I dealt with all elements of society, drugs and with Family Law cases where children were used as tokens for revenge and point-scoring. Also colleagues whose conduct was more than questionable.

When I became ill my one of my first doctors, to whom I had unburdened a great deal decided that it would be inconvenient to support me. Later a psychologist to whom I had also said a lot offered me a very dubious proposition. My response was less than wholehearted & I ended up with a wildly inaccurate report.

I’ve still managed to trust my psychiatrist and my 2 wives. In some ways it's been a great effort but it's worked out fine - thanks to them

My rule of thumb is that one or two in your adult life are worthy of complete trust. Hurt or not you are all three wise people and I suspect you will make your selections successfully.

As I said in my post in that other thread today I can’t help a great deal, I offer what I can in the earnest hope it may be of some use sometime

Croix

[Croix]

The fragile butterfly

I had a horrible thought. It occurs to me that I've been carried away in the warmth of new friendships, and concern for new friends' welfare, and might well have been thoughtlessly enthusiastic. It could be seen as an intrusion to go looking at your other threads, so I'll stop - a t least for now. I am probably posting too much as well.

It really is a foreign experience for me to strike people I relate to and empathize with so deeply in a forum environment; and I haven't really thought out all the implications of any action I might take when seen by other eyes. I'm feeling my way in a strange country and the last thing I would want is to breach etiquette, make anyone uncomfortable, feel their space or privacy invaded, or reluctant to continue to post as they have in the past.

Therefore Sara, Dotty & Corny I ask for your understanding and to let me know what you feel.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thank you 😊

Yes, you're right that this is a magical corner on BB.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

- Queen Elizabeth II

I think her words ring true for you. A shattering but worthwhile price for you.

Your second marriage was clearly the right decision for you. At the end of the day, who's to say what's right and wrong when it comes to grief and marriage decisions (the exception being forced marriages, child brides, etc)? You found her at the right place and at the right time- the 2 of you seem to make a wonderful team.

I have to admit that I don't really know your story re: your police force exit, PTSD and disabilities. But maybe you just needed to share your story as in maybe vulnerability attracts vulnerability. And by vulnerability, I don't mean "weak" but I mean openness. A bit like "I'll show you mine and you'll show me yours", which can be less about strict "problem solving" and more to do with connecting with friends. But that's just a guess.

Yeah, you'll find strange (but often wonderful) things happen when you sign-up and start posting and responding. I can emphasise with what you're saying as I had no intention (initially) of opening up about anything other than my usual complaints about uni and work (especially uni ha, ha).

When I first signed up, I honestly thought that it would be a quick 2-3 week "stay" here, which is partly why I never bothered to find a profile image (now it's more sheer laziness plus nothing seems to be the "right" image for me ha, ha). Let's just say that it's been much longer than 2-3 weeks.

I'm just as surprised as you to have formed friendships with anonymous online people. But I'm grateful for all of you.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience on trust. It must have been hard work (but also clearly worth your efforts) to have found "your people."

Trust, huh? You're right about the child versus adult. It's tricky, I have to say.

I think you're more helpful and supportive than you may realise. In saying that, I really like your humility. I like humility in general so big (read: fragile) egos have me running faster than you can say "vamoose."

And I'm touched that you would search for our threads to learn more about us. It always kind of baffles me that anyone would want to get to know me a little more. Thanks Croix 😊

Dottie xxx