Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[sparkvark]

Just wanted to say that your latest post in this thread is definitely inspiring and brightened up my morning when I read it, Sara_Conna. I admire your determination and am glad to see that the hard work you're putting in is paying off.

[Guest_322]

Hi Amazeballs Sara,

Any time. We all look out for each other here 😊 I'm glad your son is on the mend; that's great to hear!

I don't think I've seen that particular Terminator movie although I have seen the latest instalment. Either way, to be Sara Conna personified is pretty incredible!

It goes without saying that you have both suffered immensely. Both with deep wounds but also iron clad strength; strong but vulnerable at the same time. Strength from deep rooted pain- no wonder you identify so strongly with her

A lot can happen in 12 months as you would know better than anyone, I'm sure. What a ride, right? From a distressing and disheartening place to one of amazing resilience today. You did good! We're all very proud of you! Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

About your weapon of choice...

The pen is mightier than the sword 😉

Well done, super star! Here's to the new and improved you!

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxxxxx

P.S. Rest assured, come the uni holidays and I'll be letting my hair down ha, ha.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to BB Healer Girl;

Thankyou for popping onto my thread. It's really just a place for me to vent or tell my story of transition. But I hear you loud and clear as would many others out there reading.

People pleasing is taught in childhood and may take a long time to undo, depending on your resolve and determination. It also takes a lot of guts. Starting this process is better off done with family or close friends. They're the most forgiving. All it takes is saying "No" one time; then another, and another and the rest is hopefully downhill.

Journalling can be a really informative source for decision making and problem solving. In the beginning, it's hard to even have an opinion let alone stand up for what you believe. One step at a time being gentle and patient with yourself is the only way to approach this issue. You are after-all, replacing a life long habitual behaviour with a more positive and self determined way of life.

It's slow going in the beginning, but gathers momentum after a few 'wins'. Your confidence will grow and people will start complementing you on it. Be aware of anxiety or depressive moods. They're the harbingers of internal conflict. That means you're fighting yourself with changing. Use the anxiety as a tool for self insight and where you might be too frightened to speak for instance.

I wish you well on your journey HG; there's lots of info and interesting threads on here. Keep up the good work and push yourself with encouragement.

Warm wishes...Sara (Hugs)

[Just Sara]

Awe...thanks Sparkvark!

I'm so glad people can get something positive out of my ranting. You've given me some nice validation too.

I've read some of your posts around and about; you seem on the ball and in touch with yourself and others. Good on ya'!

Pop in now and then if you like; it'd be nice to hear how you're going too.

Cheers...Sara xo

[Just Sara]

The D Bomb!!!

Holidays with hair out and skipping the light fantastic!! Woo hoooo! You go D girl...

You 'get' me...you so do...

The 2nd Terminator Movie in my view is the best. But the 1st one has it's moments too and definitely a great soundtrack! Third one is a yawn compared. Next rainy day, pick up the first and 2nd instalments along with your fave snacks/drinks and a load of your friends. Put dvd's on a massive screen with a huge 'doof doof' stereo system, and blow the neighbours away...YAY!!!!!!

Just see how you feel when the camera pans down Sarah Conner's bod while she's doing those chin-ups ok? Friggin' body chills pandemic!! Only if you see the 1st movie beforehand.

Hope the study and assignments are going well. Wishing you all the HD's you can handle darling.

Love ya...Sara xoxo

[sparkvark]

Thanks Sara.

Yeah you'd replied a couple of times to one of my old threads (which I can't bring myself to start back up again - sorry, wasn't ignoring you, I'd just torn too much of a thread-hole in what my intended topic was from the very start that it seemed impossible to stitch back onto topic). Plus I needed to find a profile pic for myself before I could post again haha 😛

Hope you're having a good day/evening.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Aw back at you...

And thanks! I appreciate the support 😊 Not long to go...less than a month before the summer holidays. Thank goodness!!!

I'll keep the Terminator movies in mind for the holidays. Yeah, it would be fun to have a movie night with some friends ha, ha.

And look at Healer girl and Sparkvark's posts! Your post (and thread) has clearly moved and inspired them.

Keep doing you and I'm looking forward to wherever your next post takes us 😊

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey Sparky!

I know too well how a thread can go left of field and then some..I hear you. Really nice of you to pop onto my bloggy thread. This one has taken a few twists and turns along the way, but I'm still here and that's what counts.

Hey lovely D girl!

I've had a weird day of sorts; been playing silly buggers on here. Was on a real high at times, but I should've known it was too good to be true. Big crash tonight down to reality again; taken some med's so I may go off on a tangent when it kicks in.

Knowing the future is crap! Did I tell you I used to do readings? I guess not. Last 15 yrs actually, though I've laid off since I had the breakdown. Our brains aren't built to know things up front, especially those of us with PTSD. Sarah Conner means more to me than people think. I did make mention of it very quickly in my speel about her. Future yadda yadda.

Oh...there it goes...anxiety med's have rolled in. Took a bit more than usual tonight. Thing is, I cried for 2 hrs. Layed there sobbing thinking 'what's the use?' I needed smokes and went to servo. that got me out of the deep funk, but the remnants are still here.

You know Dottie/Sparky, This blog is so important to me. I do my best to help others, btu this is just for my thoughts or chating to people who drop in for a coffee. 2500 characters goes so quick when life's a bitch.

I learned about a third of the way through my 'apprenticeship' (readings) that the oddest of things was happening. I used to do past life stuff, then found each one came (future) true...exciting to begin with, but after a while I realised the burden was too great, and affected my attitude to life and daily living. I haven't done one for 2.5 yrs. God I'm seeeing doubel.dourbol. aanywho..a reaading I did on me a long time gago has begun to come true. It's not nice. I cna't pretend or froget. Sarah knows what it's liek. It changes people and decisions.

I'm taking a risk tolling you.but secrets are cancers you knwo.

Oh.. sdizzy's cra-cra for sure. But that's the thing. I'm not, just totaly vurdened. I hate beign this way, but mind rot sets in when I can't share my knownlidge. I wish I could undo it all.

Itls a curse D. I nkow theres some frauds out theer, but I'm genuine and don't ask for monehy unliess they insist. I alswys get something out od it. That's werhe all my insight comes from. 'knwoign'.Horrinbel. I wish I oucld put me in hoepatal. I need control virionment. keep me safe.4o letters leeft.

Goddbye..over and out

[Just Sara]

25oo lettersleft. again. I need to confess. I've seen end of world. It hurts lot a. Sarah knew., michel beil otold her. (actor terminator) Future man in present. I was told in mydream and visual story a log timeago. I've live d with it ever since. She thinks she prepared. but it sends her cra cra. Me too. Nuther thing..collective conscioursness. Our EMF lectro magnet field (aura) joins with othes We pick up electical signals and thought enter our midns but we thin k its us havign those htoughts.

I felt m y mum 'hook' me with er attention seeking shit and i envisably cut the connection with scissors. She fell of her chair nad screamed. My sis lookd at me with azame-balls and 'knew' that hed heppened by me..I bleed desperate to talk bot this. but not many people are openn. There's scienivic conclusive evidnece. ive kept a ynfi ddlf,zkgds hrm .l,might go to brdyz\znpugjrd journal for 20 yurs. I knwo a way to avoid apocolyps. but addectiohi foyll fotfjxi;wm hsnesefedjlf,,,,,,,,,n to all tings unnatural is causign cofnlict/

Thisng is dottie/sparky I'm always right, even tothe smalest detail. It shows itself as astory inmy head.a movie like phenomonyn. falling sleep. I like being off headwith out of it sensation.I like ti a lot.may be it could invisbl. Falling alsoop as we Ocae ism y companionlgotta go,. messa de k sixhinvuxzll

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Aw things certainly have taken a turn for you. The emotional nosedive must have been shattering; falling from an emotional high is always painful. And a 2 hour sob is very long. Goodness, that would have been very draining but maybe you needed the release.

I get that you personally identify with Sarah Conner on multiple levels; she's very important to you.

You've had quite the evening...I think severing ties with your mum is a huge deal. Even if it was for the best, it would still have been/is a very painful experience. Hugs to you, Sara. Rough night indeed.

I have to admit that I'm worried about you. Is if okay if you write again to let us know how you're going when you're feeling up to it?

Super duper hugs! Stay amaze.

Here for you.

Dottie xxxxxxx