Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

I'm embarrassed and shocked at my last posts...incomprehensible!

I'm sorry for worrying you Dottie; you too Sparkvark. The last thing I want to do is create posts that alarm and put a damper on my motivation to enlighten through this thread. But what is done, is done.

I'm doing ok..I called a friend this morning to talk and bought my deep, life long problem to the fore. As it turned out, it was the 'abnormality' of silliness and youthful, playful feelings of yesterday that triggered me. It's so odd to feel 'good'. Go figure?

When I was 16 a group of my friends and I went skinny dipping at our local lake. 23 young girls gallivanting naked in the middle of the day while wagging school, was a memory I'd forgotten. Yesterday was reminiscent of those times. The feeling I mean, not the nakedness. lol

I won't go into detail of how those feelings came about, but I now know I have a baseline to compare when it hits again, and not to worry. It's perfectly normal to be silly and stupid when my spirits are up.

Medication has its place with anxiety and depression, but I've learned not to get on here and vent...lesson learned.

Take care and have a great day D girl...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

No need to apologise; it's all good 😊 I mean, this is your thread and your journey so there are bound to be moments of rawness and vulnerability. I mean, that's part of the beauty of this thread, right?

I'm glad you're doing okay and have been reminiscing. Yes, fun and silliness can be great! But it would understandably be quite an adjustment if fun and silliness hasn't been on your radar in a while. I recommend more fun and silliness to remedy that 😉

It's okay. No harm done- please don't stress about it ha, ha. We all still love you and think you're amaze!

Dottie xxxxxxx

[sparkvark]

Exactly what Dottie said. It's all good. It's your thead, and it's ok, and even good, to post what you're authentically feeling and thinking at the time even if it's while having effects from medication. No one's going to judge you for it here (and if they do, they'd better check themselves before they wreck themselves!).

Glad to hear that you had a chat with your friend and have figured out some of the contributors to the trigger. You're better placed to address it next time a similar situation occurs, and seeing that sort of learning path will help anyone else who comes across the posts.

Hope you can experience more of those fun, youthful silly feelings without the side effects 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie and Sparky;

Thanks heaps for the wise words and encouragement! I'm a better person because of it. My heart goes out to you both, as well as my support for 'your' day to day life. I'm here for you too ok?

Pushing myself..

How easy it is to find an excuse or issue to sidetrack the mind from getting on with things. I look at my list of 'to-do's', and grope around my head for something other than what lies in front of me. What usually comes to mind is analytical crap. "I might 'think' about this first before I do it" What a cop-out!

One of my fave activities is getting on here and immersing myself in others problems. It is of course an important aspect of my day, but there needs to be a time-frame and some restraint. There are so many people I want to help, then I'm gone from 'me' and it's all over rover; the day I mean.

At the moment, it's the gym and promoting a healthy diet/lifestyle. No biggie with the planning and prep, but getting off my big bum for the 'doing' can be arduous. I've become so accustomed to sitting at my PC, coffee in one hand and smoke in the other providing much needed 'company' for my loneliness.

As many have stated on this site, thinking of ourselves 1st and foremost has to be learned. So pushing myself to get out there and look after me 'for' me, can trigger PTSD to rise.

I keep looking at my profile pic to remind me of how I want my body to represent my inner strength. Intent and motive is similar, but not so life threatening; though it does seem that way sometimes.

I mean, it's a simple enough concept let's face it. But the addictive factor of simple carbs being my drug of choice since childhood, has bought me to my knee's at times. That crutch; an easy available go-to for little people to find endorphin's, triggers battle scar's and fear of losing what kept me going back then.

Finding my silly bone this week, show's there's other avenues of enjoyment replacing addictive behaviour. Also, reminding myself, it's a life long habit that can't be eradicated in one foul swoop..gentle, patient..

My body does reflect my life; decades of self injurious behaviour and neglect, and it needs to end. I won't look like 'her', but I might just feel that good.

Raising my coffee in the air...here's to the next 12 months!

Sara xoxo ;-D

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Any time 😊 We look out for each other here.

I think pushing yourself while simultaneously being gentle and patient with yourself can be a tricky balancing act. Not impossible but maybe it just takes time and practice.

As you once wisely said, old habits die hard. I mean, the coffee, immersing yourself in others' problems, smokes and carbs (yummy btw) didn't suddenly become coping mechanisms for loneliness and/or pain overnight; they took time to develop into ways of coping. So unlearning/replacing those old ways of being will also take time. As you said...gentle, patient...

It must be hard when you try to do things for yourself and the PTSD monster strikes. That's really rough; it must make it that much more difficult to take care of number 1.

For what it's worth- and you know this already- you do deserve to take care of you. Easier said than done (especially with your PTSD) but maybe channel some of the same love that you give to others inward. Just a thought 😉

My main coping mechanism is music plus a couple of other less healthy ones ha, ha. I almost had a mini meltdown today when my earphones died . Luckily, I found some cheap new ones- crisis averted!

Yes, here's to the next 12 months indeed! Speaking of coffee...I'm drinking it at 10:30 at night ha, ha.

Virtual hugs. Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[sparkvark]

Hey Sara, it is indeed very easy to get sidetracked and do other things instead of the thing that we'd like to have as a priority. I'm having the same issue myself. What sometimes works for me is to try to immediately do the thing as soon as I remember it, rather than giving any time for other thoughts or excuses to set in. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

Dottie - Glad you got some new earphones! Last time I had to replace mine, I put up with only 1 side working for almost a month. 😛

Dottie and Sara - you're both right about the 'gentle and patient' thing. Can be difficult to put into practice, but maybe the more it's practiced, the more natural it becomes.

How are you both doing today?

[wantalife]

Dizzy, "Sara" your one of the half dozen I've tried to keep contact with and for good reason, I tread carefully who I try to maintain contact. Interaction-Ina similar to mixing paint blends to form what was an individual to a group to collective and within an effort to feel a sense of identity often many will bend their inner judgment, belief, actions, and self to maintain this sense of belonging.

The post you provided was so well written, so close to truth for so many (Unless I mis-understood) am pretty blown away. It's awesome.

I believe within social infrastructure it's essential, and trying to word without labeling there need to be sheep, and for the most part....most are quite happy to run the course of their life as an environmentally conditioned mirror image.

This is what makes it possible for some to stand as independents (True Independents) observe as one may view the habits of an Ant Colony and gain an incredible awareness.

A minority of course as if all only had reliance and internal only dependence of recognition am thinking really would bring true to life the word Anarchy.

Stepping aside however as you mentioned is quite fearful, believe does increase anxiety and perhaps a depressive state especially at times in which in a social environment you become part of a conversation you so clearly know is wrong yet fearful of being Alienated as Majority Does as a Flock of Birds turn as do the others.

I better stop before it becomes a Novel but great post and just think it's great we are different but a waste if we all act the same and if expectations of who we should be comes from others is shame.

[Just Sara]

Hey Nick;

I feel privileged you've popped in here to contribute. I love your long novel's as you call them; sometimes they're short and leave me hanging for more. So thankyou..

Your words;

• 'Interaction-Ina similar to mixing paint blends to form what was an individual to a group to collective and within an effort to feel a sense of identity often many will bend their inner judgement, belief, actions, and self to maintain this sense of belonging'

Collective consciousness is a fascinating concept and you've nailed it..so well done. Individualism and self realisation come into play with each word you followed with. Your metaphor 'blending paint', describes this phenomenon, but without our evolving ability to separate.

Human's primal survival depended on the collective. Each person was born to fulfil a specific role and was trained from birth to support the whole. However, modern society has bastardised this very workable practice, into 'chasing the dragon'; escaping the reality of not knowing who, why or what we are.

Leaving behind our 'sheep' and 'ant' mentality to become an independent identity, flies in the face of the primal and reptilian human brain. Society and money is leading the way with this and our biology is trying to keep up. It's no wonder we struggle to 'find ourselves'. However, our intellect and ability to analyse, has evolved and can be a mighty force as you've shown.

The primal and rational sides of us are at war. Individualism and identity are crucial now to bring back balance.

I believe that's why there are so many suffering the affects of mental health issues; we've lost touch with nature and instinct. And, as we all know, nature can't be screwed with..she win's hands down.

I bloody love your deep thoughts Nick...I hope you have the ability to put words into action. I'm on that journey; it's a hell of a ride, but what would life be without tragedy, loss, baby's, death and love etc? Stagnation without learning.

Take care mate...Sara (Hugs)

[Just Sara]

Hey D girl and Sparky;

My brain has been a little challenged by Nick's reply so I won't post much.

I will say though, that you've both contributed wonderful responses and I read them with inspiration. You 'get' what I'm saying and encourage with enthusiasm, as well as stories of comparing my life to your own. That gives me hope we all have similar struggles and gifts.

We're not alone...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

All good. No worries at all 😊

Nick did write a very powerful piece. Pretty mind-blowing stuff...gets the brain juices going, that's for sure.

I like what you said, Sara...different stories but a certain shared understanding and connection.

Sparkvark, I can empathise with your earphone anecdote as that has happened to me before too ha, ha. Yeah, it's super annoying when one decides to stop working while the other one is still alive and kicking. I've had a bit of a rough day but no biggie. It's all good ha, ha. Hope you're doing okay yourself.

Hugs to all!

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx