Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hey babe's;

I'm coming back in dribs and drabs; wanting to write more, but can't keep my eyes open.

Sleep deprivation...part and parcel I'm afraid. But fear not...recovery is only a step or two away, and then...Booyar!!!

I'll return with eyes wide open and body attached with mind once more.

I know you're with me;

Grateful beyond understanding...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Take your time; there's no hurry as the forum will still be here as will your thread as will us.

Sleep deprivation messes with one's head so go easy on yourself.

Hoping for beautiful recovery in good time.

Keep holding on. You're amaze 😊

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Yes I am pretty amaze-ball's Dottie dearest; I bloody well earned it I can tell you!

Today's blog/post? Unconditional love...

There are memories that stick in the mind as pivotal. Times I was taken/sent away without knowing why; being mocked when I said I didn't feel loved; being raped and rejected by people I loved deeply; losing a loved one who showed love unconditionally.

Each of those 'moments' trained me to be a 'good girl'. Now this is a subjective term relating to how I felt others wanted me to be.

The thing is; I've been looking for a partner who can allow me to be 'me'. Someone who won't send me away when they're confronted by my presence; someone who'll love me even if I'm naughty, selfish, passionate, intelligent, angry or in their face, etc; someone who also wants to breach the boundaries of their confinement; someone who can rise to the challenge my anger may insight and; someone who revels in me shining.

Yeah...it's a big ask. But you know what? I stayed when I should've walked, I loved unconditionally like a child when I should've said "Back off!" I blamed me when I should've given blame to those who hurt and humiliated me, I bought myself down when I really wanted to learn and rise upward, and I kept myself at arms length when I really wanted to hold them close and risk being rejected again.

I can't expect to find what I want in others until I learn to act on my own behalf. It's up to me to protect myself from the one's I know deep down will eventually hurt me. I can't wait around anymore for them to change.

Love comes in many forms; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, familial and communal. Unconditional love doesn't mean belittling myself; it's accepting limitations and fighting for 'me'. I've had such guilt and shame associated with times I fought or yelled or gave in when it wasn't deserved. Why????

I don't want guilt anymore. If I can't have 'all' the love I deserve, why should I hang around? Yes, there's a choice involved, I get that. If I stay with someone who can't provide that love, I'm the one who has to live with it.

I am more powerful than once assumed. I am in control of my life whether I like it or not...unconditionally.

Love you all...Mwah!!!

[Guest_322]

Hi Amazeballs Dizzy,

Yes, you earned that title 😊 A heartfelt post from you. Unconditional love...from someone else or unconditional love for your own self? Both?

And yes, you are more powerful than once assumed.

I'll write a proper response later. I just wanted to check in quickly with you to say hi and to say, hey, I hear you. Speak again in a bit.

Here for you.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

That was yet another moving post.

Good on you as you seem to be really coming into your own. When your wounds run deep, you learn.

If you found a partner who loved you for you- the good, the bad and the ugly- that would be a very beautiful thing. And for the record, there's nothing wrong with wanting unconditional love. This is especially the case if you've spent most of your life chasing impossible love (or "love" that wasn't really love at all).

I think you've compromised, sacrificed and been hurt many times over, and maybe now wanting unconditional love is an act of self respect (I don't know and I never have answers...I'm just shooting thoughts out there).

So here's to your growing sense of self, self respect and for your journey towards unconditional love.

Dottie xxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hey darling Dottie;

I know I've said it quite a few times before; your posts are some of the most insightful I've read. At 20 your life is just beginning, though you write with such wisdom and experience. It's an absolute pleasure D girl.

I'd like to answer your questions before I go on. Unconditional Love is what children give because they don't know any better. They have no experience to assert their voice except through tantrums etc. They forgive the unforgivable, accept limitations as normal, always accept treatment handed out indiscriminately as 'life', and only have parents and family to learn from. When an adult gives unconditional Love to a child, they're expressing to that child; it's ok to be real...warts and all.

My Nanna gave this to me and thank goodness. Otherwise I would never have experienced that Love. It was her that allowed me the space to learn from my mistakes and grow into the person I am today. 17 Oct. was 31 yrs since she died. I still have the newspaper clipping of her passing. I hold onto her memory for good reason, as she is the one and only role model who showed that Love.

Yesterday my mother said one of the most hurtful and insensitive things to me that ripped through my heart.. without even blinking an eyelid. I've contemplated it's relevance to me since. She wanted me to stay, but leaving was the only way to escape my pain. It doesn't matter how old we are, when people we love (unconditionally) stab us in the heart, we bleed, more-so than with others.

On the up-side, I didn't respond as emotionally as I would've 6 months ago; that's a plus. What I have thought about though, is leaving this town and it's memories. A supportive family can improve and sustain life, but a dysfunctional one has the capacity to curb the healing process and stunt growth.

On this site, the term 'help seeking behaviour' caught my attention. In my recovery, looking to others for help has turned inward. I have to help myself.

As well my son had to go to the hospital due to a bad viral infection, and I spent time in the bath settling sore muscles from mowing my overgrown lawn..twice! With raking the clippings in between and using the catcher the 2nd time. 800 square mtr's of it!

I'm a bit disconnected today, sorry for being all over the place. I'm still smiling though...learning about rejection and its traps is in me now and can't be un-learned.

Staying strong...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Thanks 😊 That means a lot to me. I'm still figuring it out- this big thing called life. To be honest, I'll probably be doing it for the rest of my life ha, ha.

That makes sense...a child accepts whatever version of love or "love" is on offer. Too young to know of alternatives, challenge or ask questions; a relatively blank slate.

I guess that version of love or "love" leaves a mark so in later years- consciously or not and for better or for worse- we look for the same in others. It's familiar, it's "safe"- even if it's as far from safe as is humanly possible. And for people with a history like yours...hey, I'm sorry for all that you've been through.

You clearly got the amazeball-ness from your Nanna. I think her unconditional Love was possibly one of her greatest gifts to you. Love: capital L.

It must have really cut deep when your mum said those hurtful things to you. I think the sad thing is that sometimes unconditional love is unrequited. No matter how much you love another person- and through no fault of your own- sometimes it's just not enough. Conditional love, right?

A supportive family can improve and sustain life, but a dysfunctional one has the capacity to curb the healing process and stunt growth.

Not all families and not all individuals in families are created equal. I think you have to do what's right for you...whatever that may be.

My parents had a whole host of their own problems, and so, I left home at 18. Not to prove my independence or anything like that but I needed to leave.

Similarly, you have your reasons for staying or leaving. Whatever decision you make, we'll be here supporting you and cheering you on.

Just keep being you. You are awesomeness personified! 😊

And thanks for letting me ramble (somewhat incoherently) in this post.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

No need to apologise. This is your little BB corner: Dizzy corner. Thank you for letting us journey with you 😊

I hope your son starts feeling better soon. Poor guy.

Stay amaze, okay?

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey D girl!

I so loved reading your long post, and thankyou for giving me validation as I've tried to do for you. My son is doing ok, viral infections are nasty but eventually they run their course. Thankyou for your concern.

You're so young to be contemplating these concepts. I hope your life is being spent on youthful projects like planning a cruise with friends, dancing till dawn or trekking thru Europe one day as well as study. Balance...

Sara Conna..

In the 90's when Terminator 2 came out on the big screen, I watched Linda Hamilton's character, with awe and inspiration as she did chin-ups in her 'cell' at the psych facility; I wanted to be her. It was her 1st scene for the movie. That moment stuck in my mind; a strong, tough and driven woman refusing to give up against all the odds.

Later in the movie, her vulnerability and pain came out as deep sobbing; letting out her pent up feelings of loss, fear of an unknown future paradoxal to the future she knew was approaching. I've watched that movie many, many times, especially back 'then'.

When I joined BB I was dizzy at home; broken and in pain; it was my 12 month anniversary yesterday. Today I'm Sara Conna, a strong and driven woman who's resolve will take me far in my endeavours. Yes, I have my moments of deep sobbing and internal conflict too, but there has to be some release to keep balance.

I'm getting chills all over my body as I think about comparisons to 'her'; we have so much in common. Knowing the future opposed to creating a future is where I am now. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

'Her' weapons of survival are artillery, mine are 'words'. The past yr has been spent preparing to face my foe as she did, building strength and resolve, licking my wounds and doing what's necessary to fight.

I'm happy you've joined me on my journey Dottie; it wouldn't be the same without you.

The new and improved...Sara xoxo

[Healer_girl]

I have to say I came across this site today and I am very happy to read about people that feel and think some of things that I do. It's hard to talk about being a "people pleaser" without feeling bad for it. For too long I had to pretend for everyone else's sake. Couldn't speak about the things that were happening and had to put on a smile and pretend hey all's good. Relationships well, I'm just starting to finish off with the sixth relationship I've had. I can't believe that I gave all the love, and never got what I really wanted and I don't know if I will ever know what that really feels like. I always seem to blame myself for what has happened even when it's not really my fault. sometimes I feel "spineless" like I don't stand up for myself, then I feel like I'm being selfish and disrespectful. I try not to think about it all too much as I go into overload. I can't handle any praise or compliments - because I have been made to feel that I don't deserve them. I have worked on myself for the past 25 years on and off still struggling. but I know that I am important and I need to love myself a lot more. Easier said than done but this is a start and thank you.