Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Sara,

I wasnt sure what the orange bus was for, reading Peppy and Little butterfly’s posts I now understand....I really hope that you don’t leave, I follow you more then I post, you have no idea just how much you have helped me....I needed to tell you just in case you dissapeared like wk Tony did and I didn’t have the opportunity to thank him...Sara I want to say a big Thank you for all your help, kindness, care and love you have shown me....💜🕊..

I really hope Sara that you will stay here, or pop in from time to time and say hello...I also hope so very much that your new business venture is going from strength to strength..

Sara I’m wishing you all the best wishes that’s possible to wish for....no matter what road you take or what corner you turn....I wish you good luck.....Please keep in touch with us if you feel up to it.....

Love Grandy..

[Just Sara]

Very heart-warming my lovelies; thankyou...

Deep breath...

I received invaluable counsel this week about only doing one thing at a time. It was a stark reminder of why I went into hospital last yr. Becoming overwhelmed by too many priorities has been 'my way' since I remember.

It also explains why I've shifted away from emotional connections; not enough heart to go round I'm afraid. I always thought I had enough love for everyone. My subconscious knew something was up, but it took me a while to jerry.

I've talked about it in posts prior to this oblivious as to why I felt that way. I'm glad it's out in the open at last. 🙂 What I've given away unconditionally may actually have been harmful. I don't mean 'lose the plot' harmful; another way of losing balance.

Pulling away as I've done for a while now was an inclination, an inner need. It just felt 'right'. I've learned to trust those inklings, they're always the harbingers of valuable insight. Not always fun though I can assure you. It tore at me pulling away from you's the way I did.

Now that I'm aware of why, I've let go of certain responsibilities to allow me space in my head and heart to do what I need to do without putting too much pressure on myself. Honestly? I want to be here on my own behalf for a while. Whew!

I think I have to learn how to do that. Mmm...

So.. my sister's on the mend tho she's scared shitless of it happening again. I can really understand that. She refuses to drive which is indicative of her fear. I'm pretty proud of her actually. She's doing it one day at a time..

I'm still preparing to open the doors to my business. There's training I need to finish, quite a bit of advice to source and costly items to pay for. I was on the path to do it earlier but something wasn't right inside of me.

I know it's good for me because I light up when I talk about it. So many businesses fail in their first yr; I don't want to be one of those statistics.

My little doggy's showing signs of growing old. He's really gotta watch out for those poles jumping out in front of him. Ouch! Poor little bugger; his mind's 3 steps ahead of his body. Awwwe...

I don't feel comfortable addressing your emotional words to me yet. Sigh.. just a little while longer. Please be patient with me ok.

Love ya's...truly

Sez xoxo

[demonblaster]

Dear Chooky

You've done a great service to thousands 👍

Your intelligence knowledge and help to so many myself included will never be forgotten.

What struck me when I first met you and part of many reasons I like and care very much about you is your relaxed cruisy and friendly persona.

There's an endearing warmth to you Sez. I too am sorry we'll not meet in real life (RL) and feel honoured and grateful to have met you.

I have immense respect for here and the community champions (everyone here but talking about you atm). Respects earnt. That won't change chooky ☺

An absolute pleasure knowing you darl. You're a very strong courageous lady. You deserve peace and happiness.

Wishing you every success in your business and new life.

Please don't be a stranger dear friend. You seriously rock hun

Love chooky 🤗

🌱 (new beginnings)

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez,

Sorry, I didn’t realise you were still around...I thought the yellow badge meant you were offline. It’s great to see you here. Thanks so much for coming in to say hi 🙂

Honestly, I could have told you that a while ago...even before you started pulling away, and I don’t even necessarily mean just the forums either. But how do you tell someone that I feel that s/he doesn’t “have enough heart to go around” as you put it? Rhetorical question. I don’t mean it as criticism but it’s just a gentle observation that is based on my instincts...I could elaborate but I’m not sure you would want me to so I’ll just leave it there 😉

Hopefully, now that you have stepped down from certain responsibilities, it will mean less pressure. You can maybe breathe a little easier and worry less about replying to posts, etc...

You must be relieved and grateful that you’re sister is recovering. It’s a good thing that she is just taking things moment by moment, and is surrounded by support and care 🙂

Your poor little doggie does sound like he needs to be extra careful. I know how much he means to you...

All the best with your business! The training sounds invaluable, and no doubt, it will be really useful...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Morning Sez

It is so good to hear from you. I do understand why you drifted away i know it was very difficult for you too. No need to address posts unless your Comfortable in doing so.

I might be way off track but by reading your posts it sounds like your not actually leaving but have stepped down from the role so that you can just be here on your own accord without having the added responsibilities-one less pressure on you....

it is good to hear your sisters on the mend, i dont blame her for being scared or for not wanting to drive. I hope she continues to improve. Hugs for her.

Your doing the right thing by your business, go with your own feelings and if something doesnt feel right then usually it isnt. I am sure your business will be successful, i have faith in you. Xox

Aww poor little dog, let hope those poles dont jump in front of him too much!

sending much love and hugs

Xoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I’m very pleased to hear from you, and that your sister is beginning to heal...

The first time I read your words were very soothing to me, If I remember you were talking to our Little butterfly, I kept quiet for a while just reading the conversation between you Starts and Peppy, because I was being helped..and didn’t have to speak, over time I started speaking a little then more and more and began to get to know what a very warm caring, very intelligent beautiful person you are...I’m honoured to have gotten to know you....I really hope you will pop in and say hello when you feel up to it...

Sara, I really hope with all my heart that your business will become a thriving success for you...you deserve everything good that this universe has to offer...You have helped so many people here thousands and your posts will continue to help thousands more..Thank you Sara....Your a legend, very much loved and cared for here, that will never change..xxoo

Lots of love 💜💜💜💜, big hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 and Peace 🕊🕊🕊🕊...

Grandy...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (waves to all),

If it helps...as Butterfly Wings said, you don’t need to address anything that you don’t feel comfortable addressing 🙂

In the case of my post, please don’t make my post more than what it needs to be. I only wrote it because I thought that you had gone offline...plus I was still feeling stunned (at the time) that your badge had turned yellow...

If it helps ease any difficult feelings you may have (even just a little), I’ve been gradually learning to let go as you pulled away...

That’s not to say that I like it or find it easy, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t care or love you (because I do). But I just feel that I don’t want to cling/hold onto someone who is pulling away...

That being said, I still appreciate your updates, like to say hello from time to time and send my love and blessings because I care...

Hopefully, it will be a refreshing and enlightening change for you to be on the forums just for your own sake. Maybe you’ll have some new revelations and insight. It will definitely be a good learning experience...

All the best with everything and, if you feel like it as there’s no obligation, it would be pretty fabulous if you said hello here from time to time 🙂

Love always,

Pepper xoxox

[Quercus]

Hi dear Sara 😊,

What a weird feeling to see your yellow bus. I am going to miss you behind the scenes but am so pleased you are still going to be around the forums.

But... This choice is not about me... It is about you. And I am proud of you for making a choice to care for yourself no matter how difficult it felt.

As always, you are an example to us to look to and see how self care is done gracefully 😊. It is easy to say "I feel overwhelmed/spread too thin". The hardest part is setting boundaries.

How are you feeling? I hope excited and hopeful for your business. Reassured because we are all still here caring about you and fully understand and support your choices. And most of all I hope you can focus on doing whatever makes you feel happy 😊.

Thank you my friend for all you have given and continue to give of your heart. It is time for us to give to you!

Love Nat xox

[Just Sara]

I re-read the first page of this thread yesterday remembering who I was back then. My aim was to post about changing into the person I've always wanted to be. 60 pages later I find myself transitioning into that person. (Yet again, lol)

Yes, my process has been full of movement and growth, not without abundant help though my lovelies. I couldn't have done it without BeyondBlue and its amazing community of people; you, and you, and you and you and you... 😄 You know who I'm talking to!

Stepping down as CC has been emotional. I've actually been lost for words; go figure eh! 😛 Letting go, moving forward, transitioning... they're all words to describe dying a little to be reborn into the next phase of 'being'. Bitter sweet? No, dying's never that easy.

I've said goodbye to my old self many times on this journey. Thinking about it as I sit here, it seems I'm finally saying with confidence; "..hello". It feels, well, different? It's odd trying to express to others what it feels like.

I'm going to respond to each of you individually on your threads. There isn't enough space here to say what's on my mind and in my heart. I shed happy tears today reading here, the Bouquet thread and the CPTSD thread. I wanted to write here first to shed words waiting to be written.

Big thankyou's, squeezing hugs, cheers and smiles to everyone!

Love ya's!

Sez xoxo

[demonblaster]

🤗💗 chooky ☺