Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez and all,

Congratulations 🙂

You are finally where and who you want to be. I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself. It wasn’t an easy road but you have finally gotten to know yourself...

This is your metamorphosis...congratulations once again 🙂

Love always,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Dearest Sara,

Hello!...What a beautiful word that is..isn’t it?.

.I hope that one day I can also say goodbye to me...then Hello to me as well.... Your a huge inspiration to so many people Sara...

I would also like to congratulate you along with our gentle Peppy for achieving what you have...

Love and hugs..

Grandy...

[Just Sara]

MWAH!!!!!!

[Just Sara]

In Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice', according to social standards, a humourous woman is favourable, but to be witty is impertinent. The difference???

Wit is intelligent...

Emma would use the term 'ironic' along with a wily grin. A man in that day and age might outwardly object to her brash behaviour, yet secretly, some were intimately drawn to her. Others intimidated or even disturbed. But...none were indifferent. 🙂

Her mother begs her not to 'tease' the boys with her wit. I sort of get this. If you're advertising your daughter as an attractive option for marriage, you wouldn't want people thinking she's acting above her station. Meaning of course, intelligence was man's domain.

Do snippets of man's fear of women's intelligence still exist? I think so. It happens in marriage all the time. Man beating his hairy chest yelling; "Be quiet woman for I am your Lord and Master!"

How would you react to a statement like this from your partner?

A) Curl up at his feet as 'Ruth' did in the Bible.

B) Wet yourself laughing.

C) Comment; "Pull your head in and make me a cuppa please" His response; "Yes dear"

D) Scream; "Come hither lover-boy! Grrrrowl"

Yes, I suppose these are a tad extreme. Ha ha.. Metaphorically speaking, it got your attention though didn't it?

See what boredom at 2am does to your psyche? lol Better go I spose...

Nigh-night...

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (waves to all),

I’m going to assume you’re being playful with only a touch of seriousness in your latest post. Lol.

I think some (not all) men might be intimidated. But generally speaking, I feel perhaps the ones who do feel intimidated may not necessarily feel comfortable openly admitting it...

In any case, I feel A) to D) does not apply to me so I’m creating my own option...

E) Demand that he pays for me to move into my own (separate) mansion, and he can have all the “quiet’ he wants. By himself.

Lol...I hope you either managed to get some sleep or find some other interesting things to do. Or you could continue thinking about Jane Austen, and/or women’s intelligence and its social and cultural implications 😉

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Quercus]

Hehe thanks Sara for making my morning.

Did you manage to get any sleep after all?

Reading your options I'm going to go multiple choice and extra like Pepper...

My other half does tend towards being bossy and I love him anyway so I use all of your options depending on my mood. It keeps him on his toes haha.

A. The first step. Agree/submit so he stops trying to prove his point for two seconds. Or at least say I'll think on it.

C. Step two. Assert myself/set boundaries. Yep I get what you're saying and what you want. We'll figure out some sort of compromise. But I'm going to be kind and hope that you did intend to ask me politely not boss me about.

B and D mixed together. Step 3. The laughter/flirting. I tend to make some smart ass comment about now. About both of us. Laugh at myself for being a sucker for a bossy boots. Tease him a bit about going all "protector" on me. Hint that we can butt heads and get all grumpy or spend the time having fun instead.

E. Step 4. Know when to walk away for a bit. There are days where we're both being jerks. Nothing will work but time out to calm down.

Maybe not Jane Austen style but it's how I roll.

Hope you are having a better sleep in than me. Bloody kids and sunrise wakeups.

❤ Nat

[Just Sara]

Ha!!!

What a great response Nat! Love it!

I had no idea how people would take my early morning boredom banter. I'm glad I risked it. I loved the way you used my silliness to create a well rounded step by step approach. It makes perfect sense and is really workable. Don't you just love being intelligent!? lol

I sort of knew how you'd respond Pepper girl. Make them work for it eh? he he..

Oh my goodness! It's perfectly sinful Elizabeth! How on earth did you convince Mr Darcy to put you up in that unashamedly extravagant mansion?

Oh Charlotte my dearest and most trusted friend, I appealed to his good sense of reason in the face of public humiliation of course. It's all quite simple you see; when he carried on with his ape man impersonation, I was forced to reckon with his unforgiving expectations of me and foretell of it being outed as a topic for discussion - at dinner on Tuesday with Lady Catherine.

Oh Elizabeth, you're deliciously evil...

Ah ha ha ha ha...oh how it is to laugh, to sing, to dance... tra lee tra lah

OMG! There must've been some funny mushrooms in that cuppa! ha ha Sometimes you just gotta give in to the silly bug eh...or do you think it could be psychosis? hmm or delusion? Or maybe, just maybe, it's happiness...

Love Sez xox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (waves to all),

It’s nice to see you’re having a lot of fun with your Mr Darcy and Elizabeth 😉 lol.

I think it’s refreshing to see you in high spirits. The most important part is you seem uplifted and content...happiness is a real blessing.

I’m happy that you’re feeling so much joy today. Cherish those precious moments 🙂

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Good to see you Sez and in good spirits 🙂 xoxox

[Just Sara]

Dear Pepper; (shout-out to DB, Grandy, Butterfly wings and Nat!)

Yes, I've had a lot of fun writing. That silliness is rare respite from the seriousness of life and 'thinking' too much.

I used a fair bit of creative energy sure, but that uses a different part of the brain. A few endorphins thrown in for good measure and wallah! Smiles and laughter...

I was comparing myself from 3 yrs ago to now. What a journey! The path is stained from tears, blood and guts, all necessary for moving forward. The fact I can become silly without it being a nervous response to a trigger feels so nice. That joy and calm will never be taken for granted I can assure you Pepper.

I wish I could pass it to you thru the screen.

Hearts and minds;

Sez xoxo