Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Thank you for the bear hug, it was so well received and completely used up..

Please Take Good Care of yourself and use this small break to connect a little with our beautiful universe..

Warm hugs and kind thoughts..

sending you some self care hugs 🤗🤗🤗..

Karen....Grandy...xx

[Just Sara]

The Universe is surely wondrous..

Due to finances being like an invisible splinter in my thumb, I've had to consider going back to work as I've said. In the past this has been daunting, but my mind's clear and coping isn't really a problem as I seem to be taking everything in my stride. Recovery Rocks!

Working for the most part doesn't appeal due to fears of bullying, but the thought crossed my mind about starting a business. I've had something in the pipeline for a while now and gave it some energy last week to test the waters.

I honestly think I'm onto something. Without giving too much away, (I've had my ideas stolen before so I'm wary of onlookers, not you guys ok) I've found a gap in the community services market in training and development. HUGE gap actually..

Researching I uncovered info that took my breath away; both shocked and elated. I did more hunting and realised there wasn't one organisation or company in Oz that provided this very important service.

I contacted someone I met a yr ago after a conversation we had about my idea. She's meeting with me this week. How exciting! She was floored by my idea even back then and told me if I ever got serious to give her a burl. My mind's been flooded with ideas. Though networking on my own isn't much fun as you could imagine. It's horrible not being able to tell anyone.

I remember thinking to myself in the late 80's how finding a product that everyone wants but nobody makes would be ideal. I had so many ideas over the yrs I became a bit complacent as did my family. Listening to my "OMG I've got a great idea!" rantings got pretty old. They take me with a grain of salt these days and no wonder.

Over the past few yrs this forum has been therapeutic, provided companionship, stopped boredom, gave me back my need to help others and saved my sanity. But recent stirrings are pulling me away. I can't say I'm in two minds because I'm not, so I hope you all don't take that the wrong way.

I love you all so much, but life beckons lovelies. I never for one moment thought I'd be in this position; it's like a miracle actually. I guess 'pulling away' isn't really accurate. It's more like moving 'toward' something, something wonderful and full of hope.

I'm trying to keep going with posts, but the desire's waning I'm afraid. I don't have space to continue, so I'll be back later on to say things that need saying to you all.

Love, warmth and kindness;

Your friend; Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and all),

I’m very happy to hear that you’re doing well 🙂 Not so great about the financial side of things but I’m delighted about your new business plans!

It sounds like you have found a real niche. Your excitement shows, and it’s both infectious and inspiring. I have high hopes for this services gap you have identified so fingers crossed your meeting goes well this week.

It’s great to see your creativity and business acumen flourishing these days 🙂

About the second half of your post, I understand that there is “more” that you would like to say. With that in mind, I won’t comment till you have shared whatever else is on your mind. That way, I have a full(er) picture before responding...

It’s wonderful to see you in high spirits with a real zest for life 🙂

Sending love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

its all sounding really exciting and wonderful. Im really happy for you and i hope it all kicks off for you! Youve some amazing ideas so im sure this one be a success with your determination! Im so proud of how far youve come. A true inspiration lovely.

Love you ❤

Just one question though...... even though you wont be here much or at all... your names not going to become 'Guest' is it?

Im hoping not... i think your posts should remain under your name not by Guest-full credit to you there.

And also i and im sure many more would appreciate an update every now and then.......

[Just Sara]

Chuckle.. No honey, i'll always be Sez/Just Sara ok. I'll be in touch soon. Just need to explore a couple of things first.

You're both in my thoughts today;

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

That is good im very glad you wont be a guest Sez. It doesnt suit you 😉 💖

[Just Sara]

Hi lovelies;

I'm struggling to find the right words to say. I wish we had real time responses so a conversation could take place instead of writing letters to each other.

Please give me a bit more time. (pleading) This isn't an easy endeavour I'm afraid. I want so much to say what's in my heart, but words aren't coming easily..

I'm working on it ok.

Love you both heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and all),

I must admit I’m a little nervous about what you’re wanting to say...that being said, take all the time you need. There’s no need to plead. There’s no rush...as I said, take your time...

Love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

Im not going anywhere. Take your time and breathe xox

Im usually on after 7 except for a quick check in the mornings if you want to try and chat in real time.

love you

BW xoxo ❣❣

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again,

I hope you’re okay...as I said before, take your time...breathe..it’s going to be okay...

If it helps slightly, I tend to post more in the mornings rather than evenings.

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo