Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Uplifting, inspiring and genuine Pepper. Your own insight prevails when engaging with me like that. You get it, and that's precious to me. Your skill with reflecting my sentiments is outstanding as always. Thankyou; mighty, mighty..

Battery's running low, so I'll post later ok. Just letting you know you're heard and appreciated from my heart of hearts.

Sez oxxo

[Peppermintbach]

Thank you, dear Sez. That was beautiful, heart warming and meant a lot to me. Thank you...

Take your time...I look forward to your next post.

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Hello loveley

Just wondering how your going and how your dog is to?

Love and hugs ❣❣

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I thought I might call in to your place, just in case you cant get to into mine..to thank you very much for your beautiful flowers and those very nice kind words...So SAR Thank you very much..🌹🌹. It really was extremely distressing..I wanted to run away, close off my phone and iPad. I stayed Sara....I didn't run..I'm was sure I had learnt something I grew a little in myself...

Then when I seen the beautiful flowers and those beautiful words to me....I'm really sorry to say, I did run, closed of my iPad,and felt once again trapped..Again I came back, it looks like I'm building up some strength in acceptance of kindness towards me, without a great lot of worry of why what are they after, what do they want me to do..

Your kindness and compassion are always present wherever your posting.

Warm hugs and kind thoughts..

Grandy..

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez and lovely Grandy...

I hope you’re both feeling very proud of yourselves 🙂 You have both helped to make a difference ❤️

Grandy, a gentle hug from me. I know you weren’t talking to me but I just wanted to offer some small comfort while I happen to be online and saw your post (I hope that’s okay).

Like you said, you stayed...you tried your best and that is more than enough. From you, from anyone...you don’t need to give more or “be” more than that. Maybe try not to worry about what they “want” or “need” but just tell yourself, “I tried my best.” True victory is in the effort in my opinion.

Sez: I hope you’re okay. I know it has been a big and emotional couple of nights for you. Like Grandy said, your deep compassion always shines..

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[quirkywords]

Sez

Just popping by and reading.

I learn so much from you and the posters that I feel I have nothing to offer but much to learn.

thank you

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Grandy,

Sorry, I meant to say:

Maybe try not to worry about what they “want” or “need” but just tell yourself, “I tried my best” and that people genuinely care about you because we appreciate you for being “you.” Besides, true victory is in the effort in my opinion.

We adore you, Grandy.

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hello lovelies;

This will be the only post for me today. I need rest and a break from these oh so sad pages. Thank you all for the beautiful sentiments; it's nice to drop by and see there's been activity on here.

SN.. thanks for asking how I am. As I said, it's nice to see your well wishes out of the blue. Thankyou, even though I didn't respond. (I'm sorry) It's been a big week or two since the default post buttons changed and the huge weekend of new posters. I hope you're coping as best as you can with life in general. Sending hugz your way with wings on...xoxo

Karen.. What a generous and brave soul you have. There's no point running; it's official. You're a legend! We'll talk more about our experience later if that's ok. I think maybe we need to debrief together. And thankyou for those lovely words. Sending a big deserving bear hug. xoxo

Pepper.. I knew you'd be here cheering me on. It's what you're sooooo good at. You provided well deserved kudos for Grandy too I might add. Good on you! We'll talk more when I'm up to it ok. Thankyou for your as always warm thoughts. Squeezing cuddles in this life and the next..xoxo

Quirky.. It's always a pleasure seeing your avatar gracing my humble thread. I'm grateful for your short as always, yet profound sentiments. Thankyou..xoxo

I'm here to let you all know I'm dealing with some personal issues that require my (about bloody time) attention. Can't put it off any longer or I'll be in the poor house type stuff.

I think it's best I stay away from here for a bit too, just to regroup. Will definitely miss everyone as I normally do when I take a break. My mental health is good ok, so please don't be concerned. I've learned how to cope.

See you all in a few days my lovely BB sisters.

GROUP HUG!!!!

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Take care Sez. Look after yourself. Love and hugs ❤🌻

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and all),

Take your time and thank you so much for letting us know. I’m sure this time away will be good for your mental health, and give you a chance to get on top of your personal issues.

A well deserved break 🙂 I hope you take really good care of yourself. My personal request is lots of self care on your break please...

Sending love and hugs from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo