Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

I have treasure in my camp...

You both have given me so much support. I'm grateful beyond words. I need to go soon as my mum wants to see a movie. I just wanted you guys to know I love you..

I'll be back tonight to let you know what's happened since my last post; it's important. In some ways, flashbacks are a gift. They let you know where left over pain lives and when the time's right to let it go.

Much love and gratitude..

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Love you too xox enjoy the movie with your mum 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and a wave to all),

What a beautiful post. Thank you...you’re our blessing, you know...

I also hope you enjoy the movie with your mum. Looking forward to you sharing your self insight...

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next...

Pepper xoxo

P.S. Butterfly Wings, a large white butterfly and a black and orange butterfly (Monarch Butterfly?) were flying near me today. I have been surprisingly seeing quite a few butterflies despite the cooler weather...they always make me think of you xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi again lovelies;

The movie made me laugh which is what I so needed; so did my mum.

So, flashbacks..

I didn't realise I've kept so much down with smokes; the list is pretty substantive.

Memories went round and round my brain while I watched on unbiased trying to understand why now; why these specific memories? It hit me before getting out of bed today.

I've wanted so much to believe my son's negative character traits are my fault. I went right back thru our history together and was met with my first inkling of his hatred for me at 2 yrs old. It crushed me to accept he's held this moment in his subconscious for 25 yrs and acted it out many, many times.

I was sitting on my lounge in the quiet of the evening and he climbed onto my lap. He looked closely into my eyes, then put his little hands around my throat and began to choke me. As you could imagine, I was floored; horrified.

His strength shocked me as did his look of deep resentment. I took his hands away fighting to keep him from continuing and told him people don't treat each other like that, especially not little boys with their mummies. It took him a while to come around, then he cried deeply in my arms.

This happened a few days after finding him with his abuser. It added to the 'acting out' sexually towards me and the look of despair on his face 'that' night which has haunted me to this day.

My child hasn't stopped being that little boy. I've accepted his adulthood perse', but have forgiven and even ignored his trespasses, supplementing my role as a functional and disciplinary parent. I've blamed myself, in lieu of teaching him right from wrong re his attitude toward me. I actually felt I deserved it.

The truth though? His abuser's at fault...totally! Not one thing is my fault. My son hates me because I let him. I took the fall for his abuser!

I think that's all I can say atm. It's enough for now...

Sez xoxo

SN...please 'hear' my words. It isn't and was never your fault!!!

[startingnew]

Wow Sez i have no idea what to say. I am speechless! Thank you for sharing what you have. It was really brave of you and also an eye opener. Thank you for sharing a piece of 'you' with us.

Just lots of hugs and am hearing you. Its not my fault just as it is not yours

💖💜💙💛💚💟💗💝❤💓💕

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

Yes, you’re right, his abuser is 100% at fault. It was never you (never ever ever your fault)...but you, the deeply loving and protective mamma bear, have carried this sense of (misplaced) “responsibility” and self blame all these years.

What a heavy and painful load you have carried...it must have broken your heart and shocked you to the core to have felt his tiny hands around your neck...

I can’t help but feel some of the self blame was because you felt you weren’t able to protect your son...and so you took the “fall”, took the blame, took it all upon yourself.

I feel maybe there is a part of you that has been “punishing” yourself (so to speak) all these years for it. In your words, “I felt I deserved it”... but you now know that isn’t true of course.

A parent’s love has nothing to do with the actions of an abuser. Not even the most loving of parents can always protect or shield their child from the monstrous acts by another...what I’m trying to say, very inarticulately, is yes, yes, you’re right, it’s not your fault. It really isn’t...and it never was your fault.

I think you’re a beautiful mum to your equally beautiful son. Your deep love for him spans several oceans and lifetimes; I can feel it.
You didn’t “deserve” it and you’re not to blame. This? All of this? This is on the abuser, not you.

A deep and caring thank you for sharing this hurt (and revelation) with us...I hope you feel a tiny bit lighter now and as though a weight has been lifted. If not completely, partially...

It’s not your fault. You now know this. Repeat this to yourself often and cherish this truth in your heart...

Holding your hand and giving it reassuring squeezes. There’s no pressure to talk if you don’t feel like it but we are all here for you. You know where we are if you want to talk...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

It's pretty bloody awesome to have a safe space to write and be met with comfort and reassurance from you guys. It's validating and that's a huge thing for me. So thankyou both for being here while I gather my thoughts.

The above situation was the beginning of cptsd re my boy. It was 25 yrs ago and although the memories have lost their power over me, remnants from that time affecting our relationship causes concern.

It's a matter of understanding my responses and how 'I' acted out my own post-abuse rationale thru my parenting style. Not only is my sons' abuser at fault, my own abusers left a massive gap in my development as a woman, parent and a partner/spouse.

Probably the most defined of all was my desperate need to be 'saved'; as a victim of abuse and as an exhausted sole parent of a tiny victim. My decisions and behaviour, looking back, reflected a life of abuse and a lack of very important functional coping/parenting skills. I do have to congratulate myself though as I think I did ok considering situations I've faced.

As well, I look at my development as an individual. Thru my recovery I've forgiven many ills I've perpetuated on myself, as without this I wouldn't have been able to move forward. Sufferers of cptsd find this extremely difficult as it flies in the face of our abuser's grooming and lack of functional development opportunities.

That being said, I still think I've done a great job at overcoming these obstacles to become the person I am today.

I now know the trigger for this current learning curve was my little dog and his pain I couldn't seem to fix. Not being able to speak or express his feelings is nearly identical to my son's situation back 'when'; it's no wonder I went into meltdown mode.

So my lovelies, I've decided to copy/paste this on my cptsd thread for others to read. If only one person gets something out of it, I'll be happy.

Love from my heart of hearts, this life and the next..

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

i am so proud of you Sez. Your clarity, self awareness, and determination never ceases to amaze me! i really dont know how you do it. i think youve done a bloody amazing job overcoming those hurdles to become who you are!

i am sure those on the cptsd thread will really benefit from this so share away (of course only what your comfortable with)

Love and hugs

BW xoxoxox

[Just Sara]

Thanks beautiful! xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez (and all),

As always, your incredible self insight is impressive. It’s an honour and blessing to share this space with you. I know how important it is for you to identify and recognise your own triggers and responses; they tell you a lot about “you” and your evolving sense of self.

What a remarkable revelation... your unwell doggie (your “other” son) was the trigger. It must have been heart wrenching to see him suffer and know that he couldn’t articulate his pain. The only way your little pooch knew was to cling to you...you are love and safety to him.

Yes, you have done remarkably well. You’re a true inspiration to us all! I’m glad you’re being kind and self forgiving. I feel, at any given point in life, we just do the best with what we know at the time and with whatever coping mechanisms we know at the time.

True victory is in the effort and I know you tried your absolute hardest...as for remnants from that time affecting your relationship with your son, that must be painful. But perhaps with time and communication, things will shift...

I think it makes sense that you wanted to be “saved.” Perhaps there was inadequate guidance/ role modeling for you when you growing up...that combined with childhood abuse plus stress from being a single parent, and it’s no wonder you wanted to be “saved.”

I wonder if maybe you’re learning to be your own hero these days. Then again, maybe you were always your own hero but you just didn’t know it back then...

I agree with Butterfly Wings that many people will benefit from you sharing on your c-PTSD thread. You have a lot of wisdom and experience...real treasures to share.

Here’s to Sez, the incredible and inspiring woman. You’re our treasure.

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next...

Pepper xoxo