Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and all),

Take your time with your reply. I look forward to reading it when you feel ready...

Love always from my heart of hearts, this life and the next.

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey Pepper and BW;

It seems most of what I wanted to say has already been said, and if it hasn't, I may have to leave it for a bit. I haven't had a cigarette since 17th so my brain's in fog mode one minute, emotional sobbing, then high craving the next; it'll be this way for a while yet. Keeping myself as busy as I can.

In the meantime though, know I think about you offline too. Instead of saying to myself; "What would Jesus do?", I say; "What would Pepper do?" Ha ha 😛 It's a joke ok!!!!

See! I can't even tell if that was appropriate or not.. I hope it is 🙂 I like to make you guys laugh.

I've passed 3000 posts. Pretty stoked with that I must say. Who would'a thunk?! It used to be impressive as forum standards were, but these days with posts between friends the way they are, it's average. Oh! Btw.. I made another 'date' pho-par about my first post; it was 23/10/2015 (not 2016)

Little doggy's doing well considering; his sinuses are playing up which must be painful after having so many teeth out. His jaw and eyes wouldn't be faring too well either. But at least he lets me hold him now. I've trodden on him a few times from being underfoot.

I slept 12 hrs last night. My body's slowing down from lack of stimulus. (cig's) It also means weight gain; in my experience - 10 kg's. I'm attracted to sweet things to compensate which is giving me acid reflux. "It burns! It burns!!"

Need to move; need to lift heavy things...

I'm struggling guys, Brain's all over the shop, light's on, nobody's home and; leave a candle burning in the window so I can find my way back; preferably not with nylon curtains. Yeah.. those sorts of things.

I've ordered Thai food in tonight. Med-hot Satay Chicken/veggies with Thai fried rice. Stimulating taste buds will have to suffice atm. I'll work on my weight later on. Getting thru the first week or so any way I can is crucial.

Should go and answer any posts from newbies I've left open. Not feelin' it, but gotta do the doin'. I won't be answering brand new one's, can't be there for them for a while. Bit of a shit really. Bit guilty. Anyway..

Better go. Love you both...

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Evening Sez

well done on quitting! 4 days without any at all is amazing, keep up the great work. im not surprised your all over the place though. is that from quitting.. or have you got some other things that are bothering you atm too? your sounding rather 'bleh' which is ok. its ok to not be ok. xo

congrats on making 3000 posts 🙂 that is amazing

im glad your pooch is doing wellish. poor thing wants to be near you but mustve been pretty sore to not let you touch him. its good hes becoming a little more cuddly now though.

12 hrs! you mustve needed that extra sleep with how busy youve been too. oh yes reflux is horrible isnt it!!! i get that too and basically im on an all bland diet. have you tried drinking milk? i found other than the meds im on milk helps to settle things down too and also sleep on your left side too.

just a gentle reminder to please be careful lifting heavy things, pain on top of everything i dont think would be very good at all.

work on weight later, get through this tougher craving/emotional time first. baby steps. one step at a time.

Love you xox

Keeping those candles burning for you or sitting in the dark if you need.

'this too shall pass'

Hugs and hugs xoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (and all),

Congratulations on going 4 days without cigarettes 🙂 That is an incredible achievement!

Also well done on writing over 3000 posts; that’s a testimony to your dedication, caring and writing skills. I hope you’re feeling enormous pride for reaching this milestone. Smiling ear to ear for you 🙂 I’m proud too...

You do sound very overwhelmed at the moment and highly emotional. No doubt, as you said, your body is craving the cigarettes and sending your emotions and body into a tailspin.

As BW wisely suggested, maybe just be extra gentle on yourself as your body and mind adjusts to being ciggie free. It’s a huge transition after all (but I feel you know this already)...although I bet the first week is probably the hardest of them all. I think a mindset of “it gets worst before it gets better” might apply here...almost like a mantra. Maybe...

As for newbies, perhaps just do what you can and leave the rest for now...and I know it’s easier in theory than in practice but please try not to beat yourself up over it. You’re undergoing so many changes lately and your doggie has been unwell too so gentle and easy does it.

You’re a wonderful and inspiring person...i hope you give yourself the same care and kindness that you have given to so many members here. Also, please don’t even worry about visiting my thread...sorry, I forgot to say that in my other post. It’s a big enough blessing to hear from you here...please don’t stress about my thread. I’m well looked after there ❤️

Yes, I feel you do sound rather lacklustre...you know we’re here for you. But, as always, there’s no pressure to share more than what you feel comfortable sharing....just know we are here.

I’m glad your beautiful pooch is doing better. Poor little guy...I’ll light a path of candles for you to find your way home, and no doubt little doggie will follow you all the way home too...you’re two beautiful souls.

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

I forgot to say thank you for making me smile. Yes, I appreciated the joke. “What would Pepper do?” Lol.

Sending love,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

'This too shall pass...'

Absolute Gold!!

When I read this it gave me chills BW; just at the right time too. In the midst of an anxiety attack after an afternoon of flashbacks from my old workplace and relationship with ex.

Why anxiety? I buckled. Went to the servo and got a pack of 20; staring at them right now.

The battle begins...

Your words are so comforting; thankyou..xoxo

Dear Pepper;

Yes, I'm out of sorts lovely. I didn't realise my body and mind would be this aggressive fighting back. I'm emotionally ok. Cognitively slow with some eye astigmatism. Anxiety's at around 7/10 atm.

Anxiety's slowing, guilt rising. Sigh.. breathe, just breathe...

I'm sorry. I wish I could've been better prepared. Anxiety's at 5 and rising again. I wasn't anticipating flashbacks. Better go.. I'm not the best.

Love ya's..

Heart of heart in this life and the next;

Sez xoxo

PS Please don't worry; as I said my emotions are fine even with flashbacks jumping in. xo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

Here, take my hand...gentle, reassuring squeezes.

It’s going to be okay...

As Butterfly Wings beautifully said, “This too shall pass.” She’s a wise one...definitely worth listening to her 😉

It’s okay to be “out of sorts.” It’s okay to feel “unprepared” too. Just take it moment by moment and breathe as you said. You have nothing to apologise for...

I know you have gotten through many flashbacks before. These recent ones just caught you by surprise but you can get through it...in your own words, “breathe, just breathe.”

As for the ciggies, you went 4 days without any cigarettes, and that in itself is an incredible achievement 🙂 I know there must be a huge internal battle going on as you stare at your new pack.

Whatever the outcome, be proud that you’re trying. If you don’t open the ciggie pack, that’s great. But if you end up opening the pack, it’s okay too; I’ve heard it often takes many relapses before a smoker can give up permanently. You’re on your way...just take it day by day.

Reaching out for a hug. Just remember BW’s comforting and wise words 😉

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Thanks Pepper - I'm ok. Just disappointed with myself more than anything. I did open the pack and have had 3 since. Not a huge disaster thank goodness. Anxiety's gone which is a bonus.

Letting you know I'm not down on myself. It happens...

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and all),

I’m relieved to hear the anxiety has subsided, and that you’re taking the 3 ciggies in your stride. Yes, as you said, it happens... if we fall off the bandwagon, we can always get back on it. But I feel you know this already anyway...I’m just writing about the very obvious.

I know feeling disappointed in ourselves isn’t a great feeling but I’m glad you seem to have a realistic and calm and collected approach about it all. Just taking it all in your stride...it’s admirable 🙂

You’re very kind to reassure us (thank you...). I know you don’t like worrying us. Rest assured, I’m not worrying, I’m just caring is all. As I would for any dear friend...

Sending love to you from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Hello Loveley

Firstly sending some gentle Hugs xox

Try not to be too hard on yourself. i dont see you having a cigarette as buckling really more just a step back. i believe in you and that you will get through this rocky patch. Cigarettes are an addictive thing so they will of course be extremely hard to quit. one or 2 less ciggies a day is a huge achievement let alone going cold turkey. I do get that rollercoaster side of things- i was addicted to SH. that was always my first option and when i tried to change that- my body done what yours is doing to the point i was on the floor in physical pain because of the urges and fighting them. Just more wanted you to know that im hearing you and will be sitting with you helping you work through them. Baby steps, lost of distractions and lots of breathing is required atm.

Urgh! dont you hate flashbacks! dreadful things they are esp when they are unexpected.Often you really cant predict when they will happen so i dont think you can really anticipate them that much only be prepared in case they do pop up.

ive actually found something that helps me, maybe itll help you (and Pepper and anyone else reading) but often as you know when in a panic we dont always remember the ways to cope. ive created a keychain with coping strategy lainated palmcards on it for easy reference- for example on one of them i have a breathing exercise with the steps, another is a mindfullness one, another is a little mindmap of 3 or 4 distraction activities (have a few of these ones) but im finding it really helpful- maybe itll help you when the urge to smoke come around (or anxiety, flashbacks etc) as a reminder of the things you can do?

Love and hugs xoxox oh and sending some butterflies to you so im hoping that you see some.

BW xoxoxox