Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and all),

Sorry, I really wish I had not accidentally hit post but while we are on the topic..

I partly agree but partly disagree with you about intellectual stimulation. Yes, it can definitely be a form of escapism and avoidance; I agree with that 🙂

But I also feel it is a genuine need for a lot of people. I’m one of those people and I’m certain there are others (waves to anyone reading who might be quietly nodding in agreement).

I suppose obviously there is a point when it can become excessive or a form of escapism. Yes, 100%. But just as people have different levels of sex drive, I also feel people have different levels of intellectual preferences and “needs”.

To use an extreme example, I’m pretty sure the likes of people like Bill Gates has a much greater need for intellectual stimulation than me. So I feel we can’t use our own needs/preferences/experiences as the the basis of comparison with others because everyone is different. Difference is my point, actually...

Anyway if I’m not intellectually engaged with the people around me, I get extremely frustrated and start feeling like tearing my hair out. I don’t actually do that but i feel like that on the inside. It really frustrates me...to the extreme, I kid you not.

I’m telling you this, not to be argumentative, but to try to communicate with you about me so you might understand me a little better...I hope this makes sense.

So that’s my self absorbed Sunday musing and last post for the weekend. I’m glad you enjoy my incoherent posts and thoughts. It’s always a blessing to talk to you here. It’s a gift that I treasure. Yes, meaningful indeed...

I hope you get some rest and sending love...

Much love, H x H

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Damn it! I was on my way to rebuke my thoughts on avoidance thru a new post and was waylaid by a ph call.

You're absolutely correct. It was gnawing at me after I went back to bed. I promised myself I'd get to it as soon as I woke. Oh well...I'm glad you wrote without feeling 'put upon'. I sometimes do this as you know.

Yes, I agree that like you, turning back my 'dial' to satisfy my family for instance, who aren't interested in intellectual conversation tends to become monotonous.

It's different on here as I'm just being myself talking about things I'm passionate about; I'm accepted.

I'm glad you said Bill Gates and not Steve Jobs; he had Asperger's Syndrome and very different intent/motives. Though, I think they both want (wanted) to rule the world. lol

I want to say how proud I am of you too. Being your Director's choice due to diplomacy is a credit to you. Dare I say it? ...I told you soooooooo..... lol 😄

He he...

Anyway, I just dropped by to check if you'd seen my post. And, you have. Not much more for me to say atm. So... Have a well deserved break lovely xoxo

Hey De-beez-kneez Chooky;

You're a breath of fresh and humorous air ducky! I love it when you're a bit loopy. It suits you to the hilt; lucky for me.. (and many others)

I haven't been back to Pep's thread but will look in. Your comments warm my heart; thankyou. xoxo

Hey Quirky;

As always, a surprise visit with very nice comments; thankyou. I haven't been around everyone's threads lately, there's so many in the Long Term Journey section now. I hope all's well in your world after resting from your trip. xoxo

See ya's round like a rissole!

Love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

It’s okay...all good, seriously, don’t worry about it. I got where you were coming from in your earlier post but more importantly, I know you meant well.

I’m glad you’ve found a home/safe haven here on the forums where you can be your passionate, intelligent and animated self. Your passion translates well into words. It’s beautiful...

It must be a refreshing change from the way you communicate with your family. You get to be “you” here as you said 🙂

Thank you very much for saying you feel proud of me. That did make me smile. Also, a heartfelt thank you for the deeply compassionate and caring post you wrote on my thread. I had a big cry earlier this morning and I recall thinking, “Actually, a hug might be nice about now.” For the record, I would gratefully accept a hug from you ❤️

Sending love and light from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Dear Pepper; (and waves to those reading)

It's so gratifying to talk with someone who not only gets me, but is gracious responding to my foe-par's. Unlike my family, you read between the lines with genuine understanding and forgiveness.

I hope you feel this from me as well because it's my aim to support you with as much compassion as you dish out so liberally.

I was stoked to see you'd posted when I arrived. I'm in a sensitive space atm due to seasonal changes in my body and mind. I cried for hrs last night/this morning fearing another bout of physical helplessness was on its way and not being prepared.

I chalked the crying up to hormonal changes that come with my body's painful screaming. I'm scared the knee replacement will fail me this Winter making ambulant activity difficult yet again.

I have to admit I spent a few hrs grieving with thoughts of suicide. I'm amazed at how this type of process still exists within me, but I got thru it unscathed and wiser. I'm ok btw; it's old school damage control and no residual effects to speak of. So please don't worry ok. Hormone response plan 101.

I do feel things like this occur for a reason; identifying its lesson hasn't been hard. I've enjoyed Summer/Autumn's warm weather as my body's been calm and mind's peaceful. I haven't prepared for the colder months though, and this 'will' be paid for in spades.

My MH's top notch, better than anytime since my breakdown. That's a credit to my determination and self awareness for sure, so it'll come in handy over the coming months dealing with harsh weather, its isolation and symptoms.

As for giving you a hug, I couldn't think of anything nicer to give each other. Words ARE wonderful, but physical touch has its own set of nuances/rewards that are deep and lasting.

Your crying's well deserved and makes perfect sense. I've done more than my fare share over time as you know. That's why hugs are so bloody precious..

I'm changing my avatar shortly to show you the flowers I described earlier in the peace. They sit in front of me as I type; a reminder of splendour and beauty. A little piece of my world to share..

I'll go now as I've written enough to quench my need for expression; a successful post event necessity that works like a dream.

Give yourself a hug from me ok and I'll do the same. Maybe the Universe will afford us a moment of magic...

Love you heart of hearts;

Sez xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

Wow, what a moving and beautiful post. I feel your heart across the page...

How I wish that I could have given you a hug during your tears. Offered some comfort...I would have done it gladly and in a heartbeat.

You sound as though you felt very vulnerable and frightened because of your physical health issues. Your sense of physical helplessness must have been awful...I wonder is it not too late to start preparing for the harsh cold months now? Perhaps that will ease your worries a little...

I think you handled it beautifully. I’m so proud and relieved you didn’t succumb to the dark thoughts. So very proud. That’s a credit to your resilience and survival skills.

Yes, your remarkable insight and determination will serve you well in the coming months. I completely agree...you have come a long way.

Despite your ongoing struggles, you’re now calmer, more grounded and have much more self confidence in your ability to cope and respond. That’s real growth in my eyes. Well done 🙂

Thank you but seriously, there was nothing for me to “forgive” as you put it. We’re good as far as I can tell 🙂 All okay with me...

But while we are on that note, I’m generally a fairly forgiving person anyway and I don’t usually hold grudges. I believe there is only a very small number of things that I would struggle to forgive.

I think it’s mostly because I can often see things from other people’s perspective and so I feel anyone (not just me) who is adept at walking a mile in another person’s shoes is generally fairly forgiving because you can understand why people do or don’t do what they do. Or you try anyway...

It doesn’t mean that I necessarily condone or support another person’s actions or choices but it means I try to look at things from the mindset of trying to understand...

I’m excited to see your lovely flowers. It will make me feel more connected to you...to see a small part of your life in floral form 🙂 What a gift to us...thank you

Okay...I’ll give myself a hug from you and you can give yourself a hug from me.

Much love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

Um...I am really hoping that I clicked “post” and not “cancel” as I wrote something earlier.

I’m going to be so annoyed (at myself) if I deleted it accidentally. Lol.

I will wait but in the mean time, please know that I’m thinking of you and showering you with hugs.

Love, heart of hearts

Pepper xoxox

[Just Sara]

Just when I think my head's well and truly above water, I hit the post button when I should've hit 'delete'.

I'm sorry you took my post so personally on Tony's thread. I was taken back by your response and feel very remorseful.

It was intended to represent my need for security and support; that provided to me by my pop's family growing up. It reflected my fears and skewed sense of safety in a wounded mind. Not literal in nature.

Those traditional roles saved me from 'life' as I knew it, so it's relevant to my views and recovery and wasn't intended as a comparison to anyone else's opinions.

Again, sorry...

Love you;

Sez xoxo

[white knight]

Dear Sez

I don't think you know how wonderful you are as a person.

All my love and care this evening goes to you.

I'm going to ask you google - maharaji sunset youtube. I hope that helps you.

They say that it takes 2 hours to watch a sun- set. Yet we go all our lives never watching a sunset. And it costs zero.

Your friend

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Tears on my cheeks Tony...

Thankyou for acknowledging me. I've been to Maharaji Sunset twice on your advice; three times a treat...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and all),

It’s okay...thank you for reaching out to me here. It means a lot...

I’m sorry too. I probably could have worded my response more gently and sensitively.

I suppose gender and gender roles can be quite a sensitive issue and can potentially spark a lot of debate (or varied views at the very least).

I’ll be honest. I must admit your post really upset me (as I’m sure my response probably did too) even if you weren’t speaking directly to me...

It hurt because, even if it wasn’t your intention, I felt like your words implied that women who didn’t want to cook and clean and be homemakers were not “female” enough and “hurting” society. I understand now maybe I misinterpreted...I’m sorry if I misunderstood you.

I can appreciate, for you, traditional gender roles gave you a sense of security. Everyone knew their role so I imagine there would have been (be) a lot of comfort in that for you. I suppose you have always craved a sense of certainty and stability, and to you, traditional gender roles represented that.

But just as you find traditional gender roles reassuring and safe, I find it equally suffocating and oppressive and it makes me want to scream and run (far, far away too). Ultimately, i suppose it just comes down to each of us doing what works best for us personally and as individuals.

I’m sorry if my words hurt you too...

Love,

Pepper xoxox