Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

I'm overcome by all your comments. Each of you give me faith in myself, you all and our system of support. It works...

Little tears are slowly falling from the corners of my eyes. Not because I'm sad, because I'm emotional. It's been a long 24 hrs. Reading, I'm reminded of what this site provides; in essence, what's missing in my offline life. Sigh...

Thankyou all from my heart of hearts..

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Sez.. love and hugs xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

Some more love and hugs from me too...hope you feel the warmth.

Love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I should have asked you first, but I have started reading your story..only early pages as yet.. but so inspiring.

Your story portrays...... an amazing woman, with a heart gold...,kind and fun loving.... yet you have the strength of steel. The courage, to put yourself through so much hurt, pain. Deep darkness, extreme sadness.....to come from a "broken brain" to become the Independent Strong woman you are today.....

I just had to tell you that...I had no idea. What you put yourself through for wellness. 🌹

Karen.

[demonblaster]

Hi loves All welcome to party new venue that was at Mandys now at mine Surviving being in a better place, OR ? Weet bix Willow party and function centre if so will let you know.

Fantasy fun escape from pain for a bit.

Must fly have decorations food fun to arrange and the house is a mess, where's that spray and wipe when you need it and a genie for that matter

[demonblaster]

Hi babies new venue this is the one now

Social zone... "All Welcome to the BB Weetbix Willow (WW) party function centre"

Any time from now

Fantasy fun zaney escape from pain ... OPEN DOOR all WELCOME spread the word

[Just Sara]

It probably wasn't fair to write what I did in my last post to you all then not return for a few days. Even now I sit at the keys finding it difficult to create sentences that reflect my thoughts and feelings, but I'll push thru as always.

I'm sorry if I worried you..

Normally I express what's happened in my offline life, but today it's more about this forum and coping; my online world.

Obviously there's triggers, that's a given. I've always said; it's how I cope that defines me. Every now and then though, it's about when I don't cope...

I put so much of myself 'out there' and this is bound to have consequences; I've known this for a long time. I hit one such trigger 5 days ago which sent me into a spin. Actually, it's not so much about what triggered me, it's how I responded.

Pepper, you and I've been discussing a behaviourist approach to MH. My behaviour recently was an odd combination of detachment, anger, will and reproach. I asserted these thru my posts without thought of what I was doing or where it would lead...I lashed out in a tirade of words.

I've always been one to try and learn from my mistakes and this can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow; this was one of those times. Looking back, I still don't understand what happened within me to cause such venom and lack of self control or insight.

It's not the first time I've been like this, and don't particularly want to go there again, on or offline. However, I realise it's an auto response requiring contemplation and understanding without being too self deprecating in the process.

I remember being on night shift yrs ago and writing an email to a senior manager. When I hit the 'send' button I thought I'd feel relief, but instead it was dread, and no wonder. My words weren't thought out and my mindset was intent on causing him grief.

I was in a bubble of 'self', if this makes sense. Nothing else mattered except ridding myself of unwanted anger and frustration. It caused a full-on enquiry which lasted for 12 months or more. (Shaking my head)

As I only have 300 characters left, I might create a new post. I really need to out these feelings. Please bare with me...xo

[Just Sara]

Continued from previous post..

I'm not saying I shouldn't have bought something to the attention of his supervisor; I'm saying it shouldn't have happened the way it did.

Once that 'send' button's hit, nothing can undo its path of destruction. The frustrating thing about that, is not comprehending 'where' this head-space came from or even that it exists while it's happening; it's pure dissociation.

We talk about dissociation on BB often. Normally it's about flashbacks or invisible fear for instance, that sends people into crippling anxiety and panic. Totally acceptable as victimised behaviour. But when it's anger driven, empathy isn't dished out so easily.

Judgement can be harsh and rightly so as it affects those in the vicinity instead of the individual themselves, and so it's harder to accept as a 'symptom'.

I've spoken on this thread before about a situation at school when I was 17 where I had a fight with a girl and lost control of myself. I literally 'saw red' and beat her up quite badly for hurting my sister.

I swore back then I'd never hurt anyone again and walk away from this sort of conflict in the future. And, I did. But somehow, I think this internalised anger has morphed into what I perceive (at the time) as rational and acceptable; but it's far from it.

I have an appt with my Dr in 45 min's and my psych in early April. The timing's impeccable considering appt's were made weeks ago.

It's surely a topic worthy of discussion.

I'll close now by thanking you all for your supportive posts and sentiments. I'm grateful for the value you all bring to my life. Sigh...

I'll be back after my Dr's appt to talk more about this embarrassing and confusing subject.

You're in my thoughts...

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

It’s great to hear from you again 🙂 Um, I’m just going to preface what I want to say next with how I’m not entirely sure of the details of what exactly happened so my thoughts may or may not be relevant. I suppose we will find out...

I wonder if some of your dissociative rage (or call it what you will) stems from a build-up of internalised anger. You know how people often comment it’s often the “one thing” that sets them off? I feel we can sometimes only internalise a feeling for so long before it erupts (like a pressure cooker situation or reaching the boiling point of water).

So maybe whatever was posted was your “one thing”; the single trigger that perhaps activated much of your pent-up anger that was then released in the one sitting. Just a thought...I could be wrong.

Perhaps a “prevention is better than a cure” strategy might have a place?

So I wonder if learning to find healthy ways to deal with and release low(er) level anger might mean you are less likely to fly into a full-blown dissociative rage because by then it’s “too late” (so to speak). Sorry, I hope the word, rage, doesn’t offend you but I feel like that could possibly be the right word for what you were feeling...

I don’t dissociate so even when I’m raging, it means I have a certain degree of consciousness about my actions so I can walk away..

But because you dissociate, you obviously can’t do what I do which is why I feel a preventative strategy might have more of a place for you.

As in, perhaps try to figure out a strategy to deal with lower levels of anger regularly to hopefully reduce your chances of future dissociate rage. The whole pressure cooker/boiling point deal maybe...

About your sense of “shame” and remorse, as you have said, a true mark of character isn’t about being perfect or about never making mistakes, it’s about how we respond to situations and conflict.

Everyone messes up, and while that doesn’t absolve us of our individual responsibility for intentionally or accidentally hurting others, it’s how we respond, apologise m and make amends (as appropriate) and learn from it that makes us better and kinder people. I’m a huge believer in second chances and building/re-building bridges, after all.

Much love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a friendly wave to all),

There’s no need to respond if you’re not feeling up to it...

This is just a quick post to let you know that I’m thinking of you ❤️

I thought you might like some comforting morning hugs as well because I know you’re going through a rough time.

But I have faith that as much as it might hurt right now, you can move forward from this.

I, as do others, believe you have what it takes from my heart of hearts.

Love,

Pepper xoxo