Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[quirkywords]

Sez

I found yourlast post very inspiring.

Your words

I am guess I am living proof that recovery from trauma is possible.

are so motivating. I have been following your journey for a while. These words will give to hopeso many people.

Your willingness to share your most personal struggles so you can help others to recover continues to make me feel humble.

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

What a truly inspiring post. I too treasure our conversations as a beautiful part of my day. Thank you...

It’s amazing that you now wake up feeling refreshed and feel ready to take on the world. This is such a far cry from only a few months ago.

You’ve done so well on your healing journey. I hope you feel extremely proud of yourself. For what you have achieved and what you have overcome (and continue to overcome).

I feel sleep plays such a central role in any person’s wellbeing. I suppose if you’re sleeping better, it can really help improve your mental health. I’m very happy for you 🙂

The way you responded to your mum was inspiring. I love how you’re learning not to let her outbursts, words and behaviour “rule” your life or emotions as they once did. You’re doing what you need to do now to nurture and protect yourself from her. I see it as part of your growing self respect and learning to put up healthy boundaries. Well done!

Thank you for the wonderful well wishes. My weekend was emotional and hectic. If someone knows how I can squeeze 25 hours out of our 24 days, please let me know. lol. I should probably write about this on my own thread though.

Love you from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper, Quirky and SN;

I'm a bit wiped out after posting/reading since 7am. Will get back here when I feel a bit more energetic.

Thankyou for your lovely thoughts and messages. I'm smiling..

Till then;

Warm loving thoughts;

Sez xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hey sweet Pepper; (Big shout-outs to all)

It's been a while hasn't it? I do miss writing here but lately have been focused on my c-ptsd thread. I think it's an important topic.

I'm glad you've found a posting routine that suits your lifestyle. I remember us talking about it a while ago when i was struggling a bit. Having one day off's a great idea actually. I might steal that one. Ha ha What are friends for? 😮

I read on your thread how you buy skin care products when you're down. lol We've all got our choice of poison eh? Mine's Bunning's Warehouse; that's my avoidance...fix the house instead. Or should I say; it used to be. It got to the hoarding stage. I'm glad I picked it up when I did.

I visited a site this morning to read up on the behaviourist approach to therapy.

https://getrevising.co.uk/grids/the_behaviourist_approach

It's written by a student re pro's and con's. I'm not convinced it's covered all bases, especially behaviour that's caused from biological factors such as Hyper/Hypo responses to diabetes or sugar intake actually.

In general though, behaviour's a learned response. Therefore, learning new responses is possible. I think this is in line with neuro-plasticity theories with healing the brain.

I think my recovery reflects this nicely. However, I don't feel [its] approach can be isolated as 'the' therapy to focus on while treating MH issues. CBT and physical responses to adrenaline for instance, are necessary components as a more collaborative and comprehensive option.

The fact that it's science based is important though. I still refer back to Milgrim's experiment even though it's 'now' more about ethics, or Jane Elliot's Blue eyes/Brown eyes trial. They both show how responses change thru controlled environmental stimuli; fear of pain vs morality or discrimination from physical appearance.

Even so, a 'controlled' environment can't replicate normal environmental responses due to variables. This is how I see its application in therapy.

Ah...I'm not tired anymore. It's good to talk about facts for a change. 🙂

See you round like a rissole!

Heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Sending big hugs and here if you want to talk sez ❤❤ (from other thread)

[Ggrand]

Hi Sez,

I just checking, I thought I read between the lines correctly,

So if it's okay with you, I will sit here with Starts.. ❤️❤️.

[Just Sara]

No I'm not ok; I'm in tears. My reputation is all I have on here. Gossip hurts, especially when it's a public forum.

[startingnew]

Aww Sez big hugs xox

Im not exactly sure what to say thatll help but know you have my support anyway.

i know it hurts though i know what its like.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Im not sure what to say except that, that out of my respect to you I would like to just say the following.

Respect is earned, and you have earned respect over and over again..Your wise words and extraordinary insight here at BB in these forums are so helpful to readers and posters. You reputation will always remain intact to those who know and love you Sara. 💞

Love and Respect 💜 always,

Karen.

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and a wave to all),

Sorry, I’m not really sure what has happened but you’re clearly feeling very hurt and upset by something.Offering a big and warm hug...

Just know that like everyone else, I’m also here for you if you need some comfort ❤️

Love you dearly from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

P.S. I was initially going to reply to your earlier post addressed to me but considering this latest turn of events, I might not address it for now. I figured we can always resume that conversation another time...