Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

My dearest Corny;

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; on these pages, it unsettles.

There've been times you've disappeared and returned to tell tales of gallivanting naked, driving around the country in another person's car and climbing thru windows.

This time, your flame seems to have dimmed. The thing is though, you're still here and poking your head in to tell us so. Thankyou...it means so much to know this.

I'm really grateful for your words of comfort and encouragement. Yes, my hospital stay was exceptional in allowing my brain the rest it so sorely needed.

Petit Mal Seizures are an indication of excessive stress (on the physical brain) causing the mind to shut down for periods of forced rest. Insomnia is no doubt a major contributor. Corny, is it a sign of things to come? Because this particular sign is a massive wake-up call.

Being stuck in childhood trauma, means your brain doesn't know the difference between now and the past. It's reacting as though you're still a little girl.

We rant on here about mindfulness; that's because it works. So does medication to treat anxiety/panic, flashbacks, depression and insomnia. (Benzo's and AD's) These strategies help to ground in the 'now' so your brain is concentrating on what 'is', not what 'was'...safety in an adult body in the moment.

It takes practice and gut wrenching patience. Focus on inane objects in the room, wiggle your fingers and toes, and tell yourself "I'm 'here now' in complete control of my thoughts, actions, words and decisions." every time you feel emotionally uncomfortable. Move your body in gentle ways feeling the floor beneath your feet as you do mundane tasks.

Say to yourself; "I'm now washing my hands and drying them. I'm walking down the hall to the kitchen to make a sandwich" and so on. Train the brain 'today', you can't fix yesterday.

Mundane physical activity and simple words will give it the break it needs. Push your bed up against the wall so you face the door at night. Get rid of anything childlike from the room. Tear down posters and turn phone off!

When the 'pull' to get back to analysing or worry occurs, force yourself to focus on the physical environment...practice, practice, practice

And...if you need to, self admit to a facility so you're taken care of.

I'm concerned hun, please be vigilant. Sorry to preach..I care.

Sending a warm hug;

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie;

What beautiful responses..thankyou. Talk about lovely reading. I'm fine ok? Yesterday my normal routine was upset due to being on the phone all night with a great friend. Yes, friend. The stuff with feeling 'used' was regarding an (injured) ex who's been calling himself my friend, but failing miserably.

In any case, it's learning and growth; disappointment is a part of life as is trial and error. I'm getting there...

Btw, your posts read as if you're feeling better; I hope I'm right. Wondering how uni's going, start of the new semester and all. Balancing work, study and home, not to mention this site, will challenge; doable though knowing you. You won't know yourself when it's over.

I'm glad the silent film idea was taken with enthusiasm. It mightn't turn out to be what Dr Sara had in mind, but that's what we do yeah? Help each other out by being ourselves and giving of what we know. Your kind and gentle (yes thanks again Paul) wisdom and comfort has been and will continue to be a shining example of this warmth and charity. So back atcha!

I, Claude Monet - ("My head is bursting; I want to paint it all") a visual 'experience' of mind and heart. I cried twice, 'feeling' his work and life. Being on the big screen showed every brush stroke in bold technicolour.

The essence of who he was, translated beautifully by an Australian with impeccable French (!?} reading from journal entries and his many letters to friends, acquaintances and loved ones. That voice morphed thru each phase of challenges, aging in its expression to complement the yrs of Monet's work.

Between paintings, were live French scenes of nature and ancient buildings, along with relevant photo's to continue the portrayal of Monet's 'story'. In the background were constant solo performances between piano then cello; just beautiful...simple...elegant.

Yes, the DVD will certainly be on my Xmas list. It was only a one-off session unfortunately, otherwise I would've sat through every single movie with joy. Sigh...mesmerising.

Finally, I know him.

Sara

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

Although I'm eager to respond to your post, I am yet again exhausted from previous responses to Dottie and Corny. I will endeavour to get back with worthy words.

This tiredness isn't due to mental illness alone; it's a combination of mind, body and emotions transitioning, affecting energy levels and health. I have though, found snippets of positive and able 'me' in the past 48 hrs thanks to a movie and a lengthy chat with a friend, motivation for change and movement.

As Arnie says; "I'll be back!"

Sara

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (+ Croix, Corny and anyone else reading),

I'm relieved to hear you're holding up okay. Sometime it's hard to tell with you especially considering your recent hospital admission, I have to admit it's hard not to worry sometimes. Yeah, yeah...I know you don't want us to worry, etc, etc but a degree of worrying is human nature, I think.

"Trial and error" sounds about right when it comes to life. Yeah, sadly disapppointment comes with this whole life package (think it's in the fine print).

I'm sure you have it in you to forge on ahead. Sometimes you'll make the right turn and other times, well, it will be a lesson learnt. Sadly, I think the most important lessons are often painful. I'm rambling...and stating the blatantly obvious...

Ah, you were clearly deeply moved by I, Claude Monet, and on multiple levels too. The director sounds like he or she was really thorough in their research- it makes such a difference. A thoughtful production.

It seems like the music and shots complemented each other very well. There's a certain "magic" when that happens.

Pity it was only a single screening. Maybe you can be on the lookout for other cinemas that might be screening it (?)

Virtual hugs and I hope you're continuing to do Paul's gentle and kind thing to yourself.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix, Corny and rest of the gang,

Sara, oops, I just realised that I didn't address the uni part in my last post.

Yeah, I'm happy to be back in class! Keeps me busy and I predict that I'll continue this upbeat tune till about week 3, which is when assessments start rolling in 😂 I predict a woe-is-me-slash-one-woman-pity-party when that happens.

Week 1 has been pretty chill- the usual intro lectures and housekeeping. I had lunch with a friend earlier this week so that was nice.

Also, I've found some new people to annoy in some of my lectures (I am not shy). I don't expect us to be BFFs but I hope they're good for a laugh and pull their weight in group work. Either way, new faces are good because they are an excellent distraction for me. Uni in general is a good distraction.

Keep up the amaze thing!

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Hey D-Girl;

You never ramble! I love every word as always; you know me so well. Worry...yes, human nature and my mum's lifetime achievement award. A legacy passed down from mother to daughter throughout the ages. So your sentiments are easily forgiven as being normal. I won't nag. lol

Yes, I'm doing kind and gentle, but there's a boot up the bum somewhere in the mix. I need the motivation. It might just be what the Dr ordered I'm afraid. I don't condone violence of course; it's a prescription my actual doctor gave me when I was a teen; "You need a good kick up the arse!" he said as a motivator, not as a punishment. At least I think he did ...real ole' school.

Monet...bless him. As the film wasn't a private production, it may be impossible to get the DVD. It's a government project, but I'm not sure which government. There wasn't any info in the credits to identify who financed or produced it. Sigh...

As for the magic? Oh you hit the nail right on the head with that one. Things began with the cello...haunting and exquisite. The piano? Less haunting, more emotion...languishing at times. Monet had such a tragic life full of uncertainty and death...music emphasizing the drama of loss.

There were good times of course, but he rarely wrote to people then. 2 wives; one dead, one of his two sons dead, all his (artist) friends from his youth were dead before him, cataracts that were operated on sent him nearly blind, penniless a lot of the time and consistently begging for money until his later yrs. At one time he was working on 12 paintings each day to support home and family. Whew! Se la vie!!

Anyway, I'll push off and get something done around the house. Oh...just felt that boot up my bum!!

Sending smiles...

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie & Corny if listening~

Corny: Thanks for letting me know that you know how it is, in some ways I’ve gotten off lighter than many.

Sara: I’m pleased to see you back and posting, it sounds as if Monet was a special treat for you. I appreciate him too.

Dottie: Yes semester start, then assignments. Enjoy the new faces and distraction

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix, Corny + rest of the gang,

Thank you for the reassurance. Ah, well, I think worry can't always be helped. I mean, when you care about someone, worrying often comes with the territory. Of course, in saying that, there's a fine line between concern and worrying excessively.

I realise people often say that worrying is unproductive but I would argue it's only an issue if it starts severely disrupting one's daily life or greatly affecting one's MH. I think a reasonable amount of worry (or concern) is normal and paramount to human survival (obviously I'm not talking about when worry becomes, say, GAD, etc). Don't worry, I'm not about to go all psych student on you 😉

I hope you find the middle ground beteeen gentle and kind and motivated. It sounds like you have quite a few household chores so hopefully you've had a productive weekend.

I had no idea that Monet had such a difficult life with so much pain, loss and struggle. Ignorantly, I actually thought he was very wealthy based on his paintings of his garden (oh dear). Imagine an artist losing his sight; that's tragic in every sense of the word. Not to mention the poverty and loneliness. Maybe some more research will lead you to a DVD copy? There isn't a number you can call?

I agree that the cello (and the rest of the string family) has the most beautiful tone. I think it's the tone that creates much of the haunting quality, you know. The string family can grab you in the gut with its sound.

Random side note: the piano was not my first choice of instrument to learn, it was the violin. But seeing as we already had a grand piano (and later an upright) in my childhood home, piano it was...

How I love to ramble. Even though you say I don't, it certainly feels like I do ha, ha.

Anyway, virtual hugs and wishing you a peaceful Sunday.

Croix, yeah, uni will keep me preoccupied. As much as I like to complain about uni, it's also a blessing in disguise.

Not to mention how it's a privilege- even though it shouldn't be in an ideal world- when I think of the the people around the world who don't have the opportunity to go to school, let alone, complete higher education.

Dottie xxx

[Moonstruck]

Hey Sara....this wonderful thread has been going on without me...silly me! I should have joined in before..but you guys seem to have struck a good rapport, you don't seem to need anyone else.

I feel sometimes I have SO much to say, to write, to express - then I think it will sound trite, trivial, complaining, muddled and not up to others' standards of intelligent soul searching....so I end up putting something light hearted in a Social Zone (not that there's anything "wrong" with that!!) I enjoy that banter....but...but......I have more deeper things to say, that I fear, that make me cry, and don't know how to join in the conversation....I wish I could though...luv MoonS

[Guest_322]

Hi Moon,

I realise your post was addressed to Sara but being the shameless and obnoxious person that I am, I sometimes chime in uninvited ha, ha.

You're most welcome here, and I'm sure Sara (and everyone else) will feel the same way. Good to have you on board!

Maybe just write based on instinct and you'll find your natural writing rhythm. Don't worry too much about it; I say some pretty moronic and random things at times so you can't get worse than me ha, ha.

Dottie xxx