Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Cornstarch]

Hi Sara, Croix & the lovely little Dots,

Thank you for your heartfelt concern and kind words.

Yes, I think I am relapsing. I've stopped eating, I can't sleep, I've cancelled so many social things because the particular flashbacks I am having (Croix, with my own dalliance with a fire-arm, I completely understand your internal suffering there) are making me housebound. I had 3 days last week where I didn't even leave the apartment. It is simply impossible to sleep or move through the world with the Yo-Yo heart, sweating like a pig.

It's dawned on me that hermitude is actually an act of kindness at times considering what happened, so I've decided to stop fighting my PTSD. I'm not secretive or withdrawing, I've hung my head in shame and told my family and closest friends I think I'm relapsing. My Doctor knows, and I still want to avoid hospital so something else will have to give. I am watching my life become smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller.

Of course everyone says lovely things and they all mean well. But they don't have to be the family screw up. I remember the day my Dad told me I was the family screw up, and it's pretty tough watching your life turning into someones insult. The abusers win.

Croix, I am having lots of new memories as well. I feel your pain. The brain is both intriguing, fascinating but cruel. The accuracy all these years later, just blows my mind.

Sara I hope that you had your very own little Mardi Gras out there on the Central Tablelands somewhere!

Peace.

C.

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

I don't even know what to say. I'm probably- of all the regulars- the least versed in PTSD so all I can offer are some words of comfort and moral support.

It's heart wrenching to read about your relapse. It sounds absolutely draining and horrific. I genuinely don't know how you sit through it. Then again, I suppose you have no choice. I noticed a shift in your writing style- either it's my imagination or a reflection of your current state- as it's a little more raw than before. Bit more vulnerable, bit more open (or call it what you will).

If nothing else, I hope it was a bit of a relief to let your closest friends and family know how much you're struggling. Yeah, well, sadly sometimes words are just words. It's easier to dish out the lovely words than it is to be the one having to go through the s***.

Sara, miss you. Hopefully you're taking good care of yourself.

Croix, your flashbacks sound awful. I hope you've been looking after yourself too.

Virtual hugs,

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie;

I've been hibernating in my cave. I'm sorry I missed your response about uni; we must've been typing at the same time hun. So I'll say; as a distraction, you could do worse. It's productive, grounding and pays dividends at the end. You finding peep's to annoy; beautiful and deserving. lol Also, having lunch with a friend means you're out there again...nice. (I'm smiling)

Yes, Monet did have things financially ok in the end. He was randomly sent some spectacles by a French eye specialist which proved to be his saving grace, much to his amazement. His stunning home and more-so his prized garden, depicts his inner beauty and commitment. Thankyou for your comments and interest. I'm better for it.

Dear Croix;

I've neglected you of late; sorting thru some inner demons can spill over. I haven't forgotten you; I'm just trying to find the right words. I hope you're doing well considering the up's and down's of your own demons. PTSD...the onslaught of cause and effect. Confusing, devastating, frightening.

I hope Sumo Cat has a new improved platform to reign over his kingdom; something be-fitting his bulk and stature. The plight of a cat who finds value in overseeing the goings on in the garden is many! lol

Dear Corny;

It's disheartening to read of your woe's. You're right though when you say 'hermitude is an act of kindness', if used as a means of self protection and introspect. I for one have benefited from this strategy. Escapism of course has it's down side when it causes isolation from 'life'. You taught me this dear one.

The family screw-up? Reading this I cringed; one comment in childhood cannot be allowed to rule your thinking forever. I of all people know this now. It's not the abuser's who're your enemy; it's your own sense of what that is. Continually believing those words to be true, is as toxic as it gets. Mistakes are a gift!!! Punishing ourselves for screwing up is self abuse.

Forgiveness and compassion towards self are much more viable and healing. But you already know that right? It's what you've told me over and again. Yes, I'm well meaning, but don't you dare tell me I have to accept you're a screw-up! PTSD requires treatment, especially with you at this time. Caring isn't a blemish on my part...or yours.

Help yourself; please! Don't do it alone...

Sara

[Just Sara]

Welcome sweet Moon;

I hear you...if this thread resonates with you, please, share what you have, not what you think you don't have.

If you read the first section of this thread, you'll find it began with my very first post in October '15. It encouraged people to discuss how we tend to try and find ourselves thru others approval or opinions, instead of our truth. Knowing who we are as individuals, can be an exercise in confusion and self doubt.

As we write, our words, no matter our education or experience etc, will find their way into the minds of others who might just find a path to themselves. Isn't that what drew you here? My intent wasn't to create a social space; it was to create a place where I could get to know myself thru talking with others. Ergo...getting to know you, or is that me?

Some of the early posts came from people who'd forgotten their childhood dreams and abilities. Mine was about remembering how I loved to dance.

The thread has evolved over time, but the concept of sharing who we are, were and want to be, is the same.

As for fitting in? I know how that feels. I still find it hard to post on some threads for this reason. I just figure, I'm not ready or it doesn't fit me at the time.

This thread has become a haven for me to express feelings etc just as a member, not a CC. When I revamped it last yr, I was alone each day until Dottie turned up to support me and share too. There've been people who read and pop in now and then, and some who regularly contribute. We have our up's and down's, but basically that's life yeah?

We do go a little deep; but I like that. Mainly, it's about finding our voice, courage and trust in each other; a space that promotes me first thru getting to know you. (If that makes sense)

I've read many of your posts Moon, and know how you've gone thru some pretty average stuff. You seem to crave deep and meaningful. As you say, you do contribute to social threads, very well I might add. If you get something out of reading on here, posting your thoughts might help you understand yourself better.

I don't post here as often as I'd like lately due to recovery stuff. Have a think about what I've written and let us know ok?

Kind and gentle..

Sara

[Wilma1]

Sara, good to see you back.... Missed you.... Hope you're doing ok. As usual, words don't come easy, but I seem to always have a full heart... Can't quite word that. Take care. Wishful

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Sara. I have been a tiny bit reluctant to reveal innermost feelings and fears that are confronting me right at the moment, as when I start, I am like an open book - and someone who knows me in everyday life, may think they recognise me! (God that sounds like I am really "up myself" I realise!)

I took up an old activity/hobby again recently and have thrown myself into it 100%, and doing my very best, which is the only way to do this activity as you are part of a team. It was very important to me a long time ago and I am glad I've revisited it. If I succeed, I can see it will be very beneficial to my mental health, anxiety, depression etc. "IF" I succeed.....and don't run away in fear - if I do so, I will never forgive myself...never!

I believe I am still good at it, others have told me so and mean it but they don't know what a personal challenge it has been for me to put myself out there again. So far I have done a good job and had a lot of fun also.

The others don't know all the pain, and health scares, and near-death things, and ugliness, and drinking, and misguided sex and broken hearts, and despair, and loneliness and suicidal thoughts and counselling and Drs, and hospitals, and crap that has happened in the interim.

But I know. I feel I am pretending to be someone else...a confident, self assured, together, reliable, gifted person who is using and sharing those gifts to bring pleasure to others as well as myself.

Here's my question? AM I only pretending, or is this person part of the real me? is this person I have allowed to emerge again from the darkness a part of "myself "after all? there's another scared little girl inside, the one who has been through all the crap I mentioned a few pars ago....can the capable woman take care of her at the same time? What if the little scared girl comes out and begins to cry and shake? thank you for listening, whoever has managed to wade through all this...I love you.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (shout-out to Croix, Corny, Wishful and Moon),

I've missed you. I figured you were either taking some time out or had been in some sort of horrible accident. I'm relieved it was the former (phew).

Ah, don't worry about it. I wasn't saying anything particularly important but just waffling on about uni in that post. I'm glad things looked up a bit for Monet in his later years. He certainly experienced many hardships in his life.

You take care of yourself first and foremost. If you need to sometimes hibernate in your cave then that's what you need to do. But as you touched on, maybe you can find a balance between hibernation and venturing out for some fresh air.

A tad hypocritical for me to say considering I'm not always "balanced" in my personal approach to things. Then again what does balance even mean? One person's idea of "balance" could be another person's idea of "overworking." It's such a subjective word (Dottie's random thoughts).

I have to admit with all this PTSD talk lately that I feel very much out of my depth. Trauma, yes, I can relate to it but PTSD, no. It's mind boggling how some people get it whereas others don't get it.

Some people who have experienced child abuse end up with PTSD but others don't get it. Like my dad has never developed PTSD despite a very violent upbringing with an unhinged mum (grandma dearest- sarcastically) but then there are people who do get it who have had comparable experiences to him.

I mentioned elsewhere if there's a genetic link (???) Maybe I'm like my dad and will continue being like my dad in this respect. Or so I hope. The blues, on the other hand, is a family legacy and is a bigger issue in my family.

Anyway, never mind me, I've gone off on a weird tangent (yet again). Waffling on again...

You do you, Sara. Take care of yourself.

Virtual hugs,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Moon (and the rest of the gang),

Um...am I allowed to comment? Funny how I ask for "permission" then do exactly as I please anyway ha, ha.

Ah, the big imposter syndrome question. I suppose, when it comes down to it, you're the expert on you. But we can offer our thoughts to you here.

I mean, I don't know if you're pretending or not. Maybe you are pretending or maybe it's actually a self esteem struggle where it's not so much about "pretending" but self doubts making you feel like an "imposter."

I'm guessing if you're allowing this person to emerge "again" implies that she was always there to begin with; it sounds like you're bringing together different aspects of yourself. Bare in mind, don't take my word as gospel. I can only share my opinions- they aren't cold, hard facts.

It seems like you're talking about reconnecting with your inner child (maybe?), which Sara has mentioned a number of times on this thread. I don't have any answers but if the "little scared girl comes out and begins to cry and shake" then you can nurture her. I'm not sure how you would do it but that little girl is you.

Sure, we like to make those distinctions between child, inner child, adult, etc but they're all you at the end of the day. So take care of the child if she surfaces.

If she's crying, let her cry and be gentle. Maybe indulge in some of your favourite childhood activities to offset the tears. Make a friend out of her. She is you after all.

Alright, I have no idea what I'm saying. As I've said before, a lot of the times, I rely on instinct and let the words flow. Take what you will from my post (or ignore it all if it's ridiculous and irrelevant).

Anyway, I'm glad to see you taking a leap and posting some of your innermost thoughts. Good job!

Dottie xxx

[Starwolf]

Dottie.........you are spot on.

[blondguy]

Hey Dottie

You really have an innate gift. One of the best posts I have read for a long time Paulx