Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Dear Moon;

I'm so proud of you! What you've gone thru, as well as your ability to 'pretend' as you call it, shows courage in a bottle! Who cares if you are or aren't pretending? If it works, work it! Fake it till you make it!!!

When pretending becomes a trial, it's usually when we do it to please the people we don't really want to be around. One of the horrible effects of PTSD for me, is asking the opinion of people who want me to fail, or can't bare the thought of me being happy. I am learning not to, but it tempts me sometimes to my regret.

When I'm a healthy weight or have someone special in my life, my mum gets angry and puts me down. I've learned thru experience her jealousy is the toxic voice in my head telling me it's too dangerous to be happy.

You've used words like 'fun', 'team', 'success', 'beneficial', 'activity' and 'ability' all positive terms to express how pretending has given you courage to do what makes you happy. How could this possibly be bad? Your self confidence is there, but it ebbs and flows due to a life of listening to others putting you down. While ever you seek assurance or validation from those who compete with you or refuse to raise you up, you're doing yourself an injustice.

Dottie has written a beautiful post; validated by Paul and Star, and rightly so. Her inner child concepts will create healthy discussion on the subject. Kudos D-Girl!!

I'd like to add more but am becoming tired. I just don't have it in me these days, I'm sorry. Again, I'm so proud of you for going beyond your safety zone to talk about this very important issue. You're no doubt helping others like me to confront very similar subjects.

Take care...

Hugs...Sara

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Sara. I love reading your thoughts and views - take care of yourself now - I would miss you if you weren't here!........big hug........... Moon S.

[Moonstruck]

Hi Dottie, Sara and all..... if I just write and let the words ramble on out without thinking or deliberating too much is that OK? the scared little girl hasn't come out yet where others can see, she is right there beside me asking me for reassurance before we have to take part in this important group activity.

.she whispers her little fears and I manage to comfort and calm her down promising I will always take care of her, I am big and strong and she can rely on me to carry her through this..."Just hang onto my hand and fly with me baby - Let me do it, I've got you. I'm holding you". And we have a lovely time.

This capable strong gifted woman that I discovered is a handy friend and ally to have...I hope she can stick around when "lonely bored, insecure indecisive, sensitive, easily hurt, confused, fearful Moonstruck" takes over again, I hope she doesn't leave it too long before showing up to help me and the scared little girl cope with the hard stuff.

I don't want her to leave. I think I may stay being her for a bit longer yet....(sorry this has sounded somewhat disjointed and away with the pixies hasn't it? don't worry I am not "on" anything!!!.....Oh yes it's a Full Moon tonight....well...that explains it!! Good night beautiful people.

[Guest_322]

Hi Moon, Sara, Croix, Star, Paul, Wishful and anyone else reading,

What a lovely post. I think you've said it all yourself- Moon is the expert on Moon, after all- and my personal opinion is one of the best ways to write is to "just write and let the words ramble on out without thinking or deliberating too much." So you're onto something there.

I think if the capable strong gifted adult Moon has shown up to guide child Moon before then she is capable of doing it again. You know, I believe that woman Moon is always there.

I mean, it might not feel like it sometimes but maybe she's just buried under a whole bunch of other feelings. Like, I don't think parts of you- adult, child, teenager even- ever truly dessert you but sometimes remain dormant instead. And sometimes, one part of you is more dominant at certain times, that's all. But that doesn't mean the other parts of you aren't there for you too.

I mean, I don't have any concrete answers but it does sound like you're on the right path of building a bridge between woman Moon and child Moon. What a beautiful new beginning 😊

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Thank you Star, Paul and Sara...that was unexpected and I don't know what to say other than thank you 😊

Dottie xxx

[Wilma1]

Dottie, I said to you a few months ago, " I hope you are proud of the young woman you are" well Dottie we all are!!! Thank you. Wishful

[Doolhof]

Good morning everyone,

Just popped by to see how everyone is travelling. I've read a few of the latest posts here and am interested in the thoughts about the inner child.

My psychologist recently asked me if I thought in terms of the inner child and an adult bossing me around. I haven't really grasped this type of thinking before and it had me stumped.

Dottie, I've had a bit of a muddled look for your thread on the inner child, could you please direct me to the section it comes under. Thanks.

My psychologist also asked me to write down the 10 best events in my life then the 10 worst as homework. I could rattle of a hundred of the worst but had trouble coming up with 10 of the best! I was to break this down in age groups, under 8, 8 to 15 and over 15. Have any of you come across this before?

I felt saddened to think I could not come up with happy events. I know they are there, I just couldn't find them.

Wishing you all a day where you feel supported, acknowledged and your issues validated!

Cheers, from Dools​

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Mrs D!

I haven't seen you round these parts before, nice of you to drop in.

We do get into the deep stuff here, and responses usually come from experience, insight and knowledge. That's why it works I think.

You mention numbering good and bad experiences, and the inner child. Please read my very 1st post (here) where I tell of a memory from childhood. Not only do we guide our child, but she can guide us too.

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hey Wishful...yes, we're all proud of Dottie. A wise and insightful young woman spreading the love. Btw...back atcha! You've much to congratulate yourself for too...Sara

[Just Sara]

Hey sweet Moon;

Ramble on woman! You're heard, acknowledged and understood!

Inner Child Therapy zones in on childhood trauma and the level of dissociation that time caused using terms like her/she. After integrating the wounded child into the adult, she becomes I.

Mine was done while in hosp recently where I bent down, picked little me up and bought me into my body with much love; it's the beginning of being 'whole'. I'd done this before at different ages, but this particular time was devastating and difficult to connect with; I felt a real shift as it occurred.

Doing this with enjoyable times works too as shown in my first post mentioned to Mrs D.

Well done for sharing Moon!

Sara