Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie;

Reading your words saying we're getting to you is very pleasing indeed young one. It 'is' one small step at a time, using phrases that aren't usually part of your list of fave's. The 'ha ha's' give you away though. My sister's the same; she blurts out jokes when conversing becomes too emotional for her. But she's learning, just like you.

That's one of the reasons I admire you; having courage to face the 'new' in life.

Your age, I mention this often, and the way you approach life, gives me hope for you and your future...much hope.

On a lighter note, Charlie Chaplin, the man in the bowler hat and cane, made slapstick comedy a household name when 'moving pictures' came to be. In the beginning, the cinema's ran the silent film, and an organist or piano player sitting in the gallery played along to complement the film's 'going on's'.

So my idea of using your fave music while the sound (of added complementary music) is turned down made sense to me. What could be even more creative, is if you played your own piano along with the comedic mishaps of the great Charles Chaplin. One of his famous one's was called 'The Little Hobo'. At least I think it was. Croix, you may be able to help out here? Am I correct?

The humour of those times is of course very different to now, (no rude and crude) so viewing it means accepting the limits of their technology and scripts. Frankly, I think it was genius.

It seems you're on a day off today or a late shift. I hope it's filled with humour and enjoyable productivity.

Sara

[Just Sara]

My dear Croix;

Thankyou for the wonderful post which relayed very nice sentiments as well as some in depth insight about you. And yes, one only has a few 'reliable' friends throughout a lifetime of associations. Those that stick around and bare the good, bad and ugly, are worthy of our support. Alas, many of mine have gone by the wayside due to not understanding boundaries and my own rights. (Their boundaries too)

This thread's topic, 'Getting to know you...or is that me?' refers to not understanding me, but especially why I kept finding 'them' in the mirror, or at least what I thought that was. Finding me under all the fear of; "If I'm not who they want me to be, they'll stop loving me, or treat me with disdain until I revert back to controllable or subservient" hasn't been easy. When I realised I had to create me, I felt lost and alone, and very, very confused.

I figure I'll be doing that for the rest of my life. It's my acceptance of how things have to be considering my beginnings and history. One of the hardest realities to face, is knowing friends stay around due to 'pity'. Another, is to be used when convenient to them. I felt the pangs of that this morning. It hurt...

I get tired in the mornings when I write these days. My energy levels aren't what they could be. Sigh...

So I'll leave things here ok? I'd like to write more, but my poor eyes are closing and seeing the screen is difficult; I'm squinting and straining to focus.

Hope you have a great day at work.

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~

I’ll do two posts as I can, this is one to both of you – deliberately - but mainly:

Dear Sara: You sound not only tired but a little down. As you well know things come in waves, they certainly do for me. This post hopefully will not be taxing at all.

I’ll use small paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.

You may be discovering ‘you’ for the rest of your life, I am, I’m sure Dottie is. I think though that you’ll actually like what you discover.
Dottie and I can already see you now, and are pretty sure of the future Sara too. (Sorry to talk about you Dottie, a bit rude I know).

I think the idea of your now being “controllable or subservient” is laughable. True I think a couple of times you have ‘overcompensated’ and become more of the warrior than the occasion demanded, the rest of the time you have the balance pretty well right.

Please don’t be despondent about friends, firstly because, as you already know, there is a big difference between friends and acquaintances. Acquaintances use – friends don’t.

Pity is a difficult one. Pity is based on care and empathy. I regard it – just for me – as a half-way house.

As an example, the friend I talked about generated pity in me for his plight. It went on to genuine friendship. It became friendship because it was two-way.

So I’d take pity as a start, but only as a start. Otherwise they remain acquaintances. Am I too humble?

At times you might feel lost or confused, but please don’t ever feel alone. You don’t have to be perfect to be fast friends, two-way understanding and forgiveness based on care plays its part, it has to because we are all human.

Friends will be there whenever.

Boundaries – a shifting target, I can’t make them by myself, can't plan in isolation and make it stick. Maybe others are wiser.

I’ve found with my friends, partners, son, it takes two, interaction and experience to come to what works for both. And of course that too changes a little as both change and grow.

My lunchtime is over (had an early one) so will finish.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~
This one is to both of you, but mainly addressed to :

Dear Dottie~ Where I’ve been talking to Sara I’ve wanted you to hear, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly I think the three of us are becoming a sort of unit – I’m sorry if that sounds forward or presumptuous to either of you, but that is how I see it. Held together by care, affection and a growing knowledge of each other.

So as part of the unit you should be included, just as Just Sara (couldn’t resist that one:) is included here.

Secondly, because I do not know the details of your life at home I have a feeling that the conversations between Sara and me are a bit outside your experience. My apologies if I'm wrong.

You also get to say anything you want - as an equal.

They are care, support, reassurance and at the same time finding out about ourselves and each other. (Sara please excuse me for talking on your behalf, tell me if I'm intruding).

Of course they are heartfelt – how could they be otherwise?

If it is any consolation, and here I’m speaking mainly for myself, they are often outside my experience too as in the past I’ve not had to set things down quite as clearly in written words.

I don’t think I’m good at being vulnerable at all, but get driven to say the truth. Everything else follows from that. Also makes me worry I’m being too intense and making the reader recoil as a result, still it’s me, I’m no good at pretending.

I mentioned before I think I was never able to be the ‘bad cop’ in interviews, in fact I got on better without a ‘bad cop’ in the room.

You may have heard all the words before spoken by people, or in the movies or books, but here you know they are genuine and include you.

You often say you don’t know what to say –ha ha. But then in the next sentence say it perfectly. I guess your heart is supplying the words direct and they are good.

Your joke ‘defense mechanism’ is not a worry. I tend to be too serious, so a little sunshine is always good.

Now a bit of presumption on my part:

I am sure that if you were indifferent to yourself I don’t think you would feel pleasure – or sometimes be uncomfortable - that we both care about you.

If you could not give and receive love you would not want to be here talking to us.

You do make sense, and no you cannot borrow my rock to hide behind – I need it sometimes:)

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. Sara~ If you find I'm being too intense, crossing boundaries or a worry let me know and I'll be quiet. I do not want you to feel anything other than at home in your own thread.

-C

[Cornstarch]

Guys, I haven’t been coming on here to read the threads, but on the one or two occasions I did they were simply too triggering of my PTSD considering the content is so close to home, especially with regards to my Dad’s exit & my assault. I am in the throws of relentless, persistent, insidious insomnia that I simply cannot budge in any sustained way, and naturally this creates a cascade of worsening symptoms, I am only human with my
own fragility.

Sara! I was extremely upset, alarmed and worried that you found yourself in that place ,but I totally get it. And so relieved you chose to go to hospital and receive the care that you deserve. I hope that the doctors and nurses were patient and understanding, it sounds like they were. I’m guessing there would not be a lot of choice out where you live and that in itself can be very damaging to people’s mental health. We live in a crazy world and our family decided that it is better to be mad in the city! resources wise anyway, and last year I found
out for myself that the same logic that applied to my poor old Mum applied to me!

I truly felt a deep connection with you all and loved the matey banter last year, but as a fellow complex PTSD/mental health sufferer you know first hand how hard it is to survive this thing, if I am not able to contribute on these forums. When my PTSD symptoms fire up so does my dissociation, exponentially. I think I’m alone on these forums with the violent sexual assault occurring under the age of ten, but out of all of my symptoms it is high on the list of the most debilitating. I am very embarrassed about it, it is very misunderstood, my Dr is testing me for petit mal seizures because it has been so bad. I am very trancey and it’s stealing my life.

Sara, I think you need to take it gentle and slow at the moment. I was really scared coming home after a month in hospital, a bit of learnt helplessness had kicked in, I’d been in a cacoon, and I’d been ‘just one of the mob’. Outside we can feel quite freakish, and we are inundated with sensory triggers that are overwhelming.

Croix. I FEEL you re: that incident at work with the dogs and the effect this has had on your consciousness and spirit. I have nothing else to say.

Dots. Don't give your energy or time to people that don't deserve it. There are too many energy vampires out there and I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me!

With love and wishes for your health, safety and fulfilment

Corny xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix and Corny (and a shoutout to anyone else reading),

Sara, aw I'm not sure what to say other than an emotion laden thank you.

Your sister sounds like she's growing and coming into her own (or at least to an extent) so I think that's a good thing.

Ah, I didn't know that about silent films (learning something new everyday ha, ha). It would have been quite the show at cinemas!

Cool idea. Oh yeah, playing piano with a silent movie on in the background would be an interesting experience. Probably challenging too but I guess it would be a good way to complement the visual story with a sound based one.

I agree with Corny about being gentle and kind to yourself. Sometimes I worry that you over exert yourself. So yeah, kind and gentle, huh? Paul's 2 favourite words 😊

Croix, I appreciated your post. All good- I know you care.

Well, yeah, of course some of the exchanges between you and Sara are outside my scope of personal experience. But that's totally okay with me- I'm happy to read and sometimes add my 2 cents.

I mean, what was the most recent one? You and Sara mentioned horrible dreams, I think.

As someone who rarely remembers her dreams- I can count on one hand the number of dreams that I can recall in a year- I couldn't really comment. But that's okay with me. I mean, I don't expect us to all have had/have identical experiences, and I don't mind you guys chatting about it.

Yeah, I get the intense vibe from you. But that's okay in my opinion as that's what makes you, well, you (I'm oversimplifying).

Nothing intrinsically wrong or bad about your intensity. Just as some people are more introverted, others are more extroverted; just as some people are more intense, others are less intense. Either is okay.

Fair enough that you don't see yourself as good at being vulnerable. I accept that no one knows you better than yourself.

Ah, I meant indifferent to myself in the sense that I don't love or hate myself. I don't think I'm special but I also don't think I'm not special. I just "am", you know.

Ha, ha I just write very casually. My "I don't knows" are conversational and casual. I keep my posts relatively simple in language and ignore many conventions regarding grammar.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

Geoff, it's nice to see you here, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. You've helped so many people on BB (including me) so I think you're great.

Not sure what Sara and Croix think but I'm sure there's a middle ground we can find. I'm sure we will figure it out but we might stumble a bit sometimes- thanks for your support and patience. You're amaze.

Corny, I've missed you! In saying that, you do you. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Your PTSD sounds particularly horrific at the moment. I can't even imagine what it must be like to go through this everyday. It does make me feel rather sad that it's having such an impact on your life- no one deserves this.

Of course you're human and of course you sometimes feel fragile. We adore you but also understand if you need to take time out for yourself . It goes without saying that you're under no obligation to post or reply- I so appreciated the effort you put in to say hi and check in with us.

I think you're awesome btw. You go take care of you now, k? I'm handing out free oxygen masks today. I'll even give you a couple of spare ones, k?

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie & Corny~

Corny: If you would like a more gentle thread somewhere in which less confronting or alerting topics are discussed - such as the virtues of MGF et al. just sing out. Quiet relaxing talk could be good.

In the meantime the memories thread should be interesting and hopefully safe if you want a starting point:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

Dottie: Thanks for your reply, positive feedback keeps me going. No I'm not good at being vulnerable, which is why the feedback is so important. Can't really change that, I'm sort of stuck that way.

Sara: Last time you spoke I had the impression you were not as good, is all ok?

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (shoutout to all readers),

Sara, I wish I had the right words to comfort you about your friend situation. Yesterday morning must have been very, very painful. You deserve better.

Sometimes when the truth of why people- friends, partners or otherwise- stay or leave is revealed, it can feel like someone dropped a tonne of bricks on you. It hurts.

If it's any tiny consolation, and I realise we can't replace offline face-to-face friends, we like you for you. Happy Sara. Sad Sara. Despondent Sara. Amused Sara.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to be sad or despondent but what I'm trying to say is we like you for you. And I understand that emotions ebb and flow, and that it's okay to be you. Even if you're still figuring her out.

Not sure if I'm making any sense but we're here for you. Also, there's no pressure to respond. Take your time and take care of you. You're amaze.

Croix, ah, don't mention it. I'm glad my words helped. Just keep being you and doing your amaze thing too.

Dottie xxx