Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Yay!!!

600 posts...woo-hoo!!!

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~

Dottie: Just starting semester. I dealt mainly with 1st years and the rooms would be bulging - well at least on day 2, day 1 tended to be a little early for some. Amusing to see cadres of young ladies and gentlemen dressed to the nines as in a fashion parade – will it last 3 years?

Then by half-way to mid-semester break it would have thinned out a fair bit. Mid-semester break, assignment #1, and the excuses would start. Eventually one got down to a nucleus of people who wanted to be there.

I always got into trouble because my results were a bi-polar distribution rather than a bell curve. This illustrated in my classes if one i. turned up and ii. tried a little –not a heap- one passed. There were many who had trouble with i.

I’m talking because you are quiet. Maybe I’ll give you part of my melancholy playlist, only trouble is you’d have to find the translations, YouTube normally only has the original languages’ lyrics.

Try to smile. I found an amazing biological fact – no, someone else found that one. Mine was the fact that for me smiles can be generated inside and be an expression of happiness, or if pasted onto the outside can sometimes work their way in a little.

You never said if you did any good with the musical 'opportunities' I teased you about.

Sara: ‘released’ –um. Maybe you are right. I’d envisaged ‘unleashed’. Guddruff has given me a hint to try. We’ll see. As I said it frightens me what's still unknown inside waiting to get out. Plus concentration terrible, have to keep re-doing bits of posts. Sleep would be a bonus. - Enough on me.

Heavy handed sometimes helps both the giver and the receiver. As for blurting out and later reacting, who hasn’t? Still may be beneficial.

I guess venting, expressing anger can lead to good places. I am normally very mild, but find it of use to be harnessed on occasions. My only pitfall is making sure no one else gets caught in the crossfire or is an unwarranted target.

I’m sad to hear you have such a road still to travel, I’d hoped more for you. Unrealistic I suppose. In time I guess. You deserve peace if anyone does.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix, Wishful, Paul and anyone else reading,

Sara (miss you too) and Croix, thank you for the lovely messages. I'm probably not expressing it very well but I so appreciated them.

I'm afraid that I'm really tired right now but I'll be back with some longer responses over the next couple of days.

Know that I think you're both incredible people and I'm lucky to have met you on this forum- the encouragement and support that you shower me with...ah I'm getting emotional...

Love ya both,

Dottie xxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hey Sara,

Congratulation on exceeding 600 posts now! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

I think you're awesome. Talk properly soon.

Dottie xxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Good morning Dottie and Croix; (Shout out to everyone else)

Croix; "Enough on me..." It's never enough! I look forward to reading [about] you. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to comment on your words to Dottie; your description of being back on Campus with your expectations was nice reading; reminiscent of earlier times. I've always said you have a wonderful way with words, being the main draw-card to you. That, and how you express from a 'knowing' place.

You 'notice' what others miss or tend not to comment on. Your first post to me on the humour thread gave this away. I hope you don't mind my observations as things have become a little down on here lately. I'm not complaining of course, life has a way of following that bell curve you mentioned.

So I'll come right out and say; 'Your presence in my world has contributed to change, growth and recovery for me.' I know you have so much caring inside you pleading to give and give. Such unconditional selflessness necessitates feedback and; gratitude.

There've been times where this sort of giving scares me. It can overwhelm due to not understanding the 'space' between myself and others; a legacy of past invasive encounters. Lack of trust of course is the culprit disturbing my equilibrium and normal sense of boundaries. Proverbially speaking...'Too close for comfort'

Expressing this discomfort challenges me to my core, and the reasons are varied depending on circumstances. One of most prevalent, is men who smell of alcohol. They can be the most supportive and impressive individuals, but the moment I smell or sense alcohol in the fore, it triggers a massive backlash; I have to walk away...self preservation.

Sorry, I digress. What I'm trying to say, is that it's not easy for me to accept 'closeness'.

[Just Sara]

Sorry Croix, I hit the post button by accident. So much for editing...

My head is so flighty, I don't quite remember what I wrote. So forgive me if I repeat something or go off topic.

I guess the gist of my suspicion when accepting such giving from people, is within me, not them. That's how I understand Dottie in regards to not knowing how to respond when we attempt to support her. (Sorry to talk about you D-girl)

One day I may learn to say; "I'm feeling really uncomfortable around you because I'm frightened by the way you..." I do try, but fear of consequences still prevails as my main PTSD trigger. When I do manage to get some words out, they're clumsy, fearful and mostly misinterpreted. I hope you understand.

Dottie; thankyou for the kudos in reaching 600 posts. It is of course due to having such amazing people like you and Croix on here that we've reached those heights. So kudos to us all!!

Your emotional response after thanking Croix and I for our support, is encouraging for me to read; one little step at a time. As with me, for you to accept such giving can be a challenging exercise. Not having experience with compassion and acceptance of your rights as an individual in your childhood, is so understandable. Not to mention the grief and confusion you must be dealing with after the loss of your (self centred and uncaring) friends.

Isolation and fear of the future is a part of our process of self realization. You've seen me going thru my up's and down's regarding this. It's also about learning to not just love others, but allowing ourselves to be loved and nurtured too.

Being so fiercely independent has it's merits, but a pitfall can be the cement bubble we've created since early childhood. When we see cracks occurring, the fear can be overwhelming.

I've spoken of how I've come to adore/admire you and think of you as one of my own. Those sentiments are given with respect and deep caring; you've 'earned' my gratitude and love, whether you want it to be that way or not.

It's up to you to open yourself up; just a little, to my unconditional gifts. I want nothing in return than to see you grow and flourish to be the best you can be, FOR YOU! It is after all what you've given me...yes?

Well, I've written up a storm today. I've enjoyed my sharing and will spend the rest of my day doing FOR ME.

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara, and Dottie~

This answer has taken me a while as I wanted to get it right.

Dottie: while I’m mainly addressing Sara’s last post I’m including you on purpose.

Sara: Your last post may have taken a lot out of you to think about, write and then post. It was a most generous giving message, and it did so, I suspect, at the expense of your composure.

May I say it was not in the least a waste. I really needed that support and it is making a great deal of difference to me.

So now I’ll talk about me a little in response to your prompting:

As you know I’ve mentioned I’ve been somewhat ‘melancholy’ recently – lovely word, covers a multitude of meanings. There were two reasons:

I’ve had a rather sub-par time with unexpected re-livings of an episode I’d pushed away. In some ways it’s a pity it’s too graphic to relay in the special section of the Forum, then again probably just as well.

The other has been, frankly, worry over your struggle, hospitalization and all the matters relating to it.

To know that I am help, not a hindrance, to a particular friend means a very great deal.

I don’t believe in many friends, most people are just acquaintances, and those few I have are one of life’s prizes. So yes I do give, so do they insofar as they can. They would not be the sort of people I have as friends if they didn’t. Also I’m a most intense person, so I tend to be close – can’t be any other way - it’s just how I am.

Because it is honest there is never any need to be apprehensive or overly cautious. There are no hidden agendas. Feeling overwhelmed by any new facet of life is most understandable. Hopefully something that fades with time and you can then wholly accept what's offered.

I came from a family that, as you know, demonstrated their total lack of care. This makes me value marriage, parenthood, friendship, affection, care more as a result. It also makes me see the worth of honour and being steadfast. Their pitiable example, in an ironic way, has served me well.

I forget if it was you or Dottie I said I’ve visited one friend, a paralysed gentleman, just about every Friday since the late 80’s. He started as a job, became a friend. In his situation giving me a modest Christmas present is a very big deal, me giving him a computer or whatever is nothing.

I’m saying Sara that it is the effort involved in the giving I value, which is one of the reasons I’m so appreciative of your words.

Time to stop.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara and Croix,

Sara, as I was saying, miss you too.

I'm happy for the cool change in your neck of the woods- it must be nice to not have to peel your legs off your dining room chairs. Moreover, I'm glad that the cooler weather is doing its bit for your mood.

Your recent dreams sound like they have been a lot less distressing than before. That must be a welcome change and relief!

I have to admit that I can't really comment on dreams as I rarely remember my own dreams. I know everyone dreams but it's the recall part where we all differ. I'm in camp "can't remember" ha, ha.

Thanks for the thoughtful suggestion 😊 I haven't seen any silent films before but I'm intrigued by the concept. Although- in typical Dottie fashion- I have to admit that I'm more interested in the visual aesthetics of silent films than the films themselves ha, ha.

It's a novel idea and I can see why you suggested it but I have to ask...um...wouldn't playing music during a silent film defeat the purpose of a silent film? In saying that, it's a creative idea.

Ah yes, the power of laughter. Yes, I know about the chuckle that keeps on, uh, chuckling- glad you experienced it firsthand the other day.

Your son anecdote made me smile. Fond memories for you, huh?

It's interesting how certain kinds of humour are popular during different times. I think slapstick is one of those polarising kinds of humour- most people either love or hate.

These days, I feel rude 'n crude is the current comedy "flavour." Some people love it but I hate rude n' crude.

Croix, no, I haven't heard of this site before. I'm very curious and will have to check it out. Thanks!!!

Your melancholy playlist must be getting quite the airtime at your place. But it makes sense: sad music for a sad mood.

The intense animal related flashbacks must have been brutal (especially when it was so unexpected). I'm glad you're working on it with your shrink. Hopefully, as Sara said, you'll manage it over time. Baby steps, huh?

Virtual hugs,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara and Croix (plus anyone else reading),

Croix, oh yeah, that sounds about right. Attendance always dwindles as the semesters and years progress e.g. first years are far more likely to show up to any given class than, say, second years ha, ha.

The dwindling attendance rates must have been disheartening (or a tad amusing) to you as an educator (?) There's only so much any educator can do with a disinterested class. You did your part but the rest is up to the students themselves.

Ah, the benefits of smiling. Hopefully you have found reasons for the occasional smile despite your melancholy mood.

Wow, what an emotional post you left Sara (and sort of me). Looks like you and Sara have been having some very heartfelt exchanges here.

I have to say, you're good at being vulnerable. You're not afraid to lay your (emotional) cards on the table. Gotta hand it to you.

You're selective in your choice of friends but when you care about someone, you care about them all the way (or as much as you can).

Yes, what Sara has given- her words, support and friendship- was and is a very big deal. And considering all that she has been through/is going through, what she gives is that much more special. It's not little but a lot of her.

You're reassuring Sara and Sara (hi!) is reassuring you. It's a big reassurance fest. Actually, it's more than that...it's an open conversation between you guys. It's beautiful and I kind of don't know what to say...

Sara, yeah, thank you, kudos to everyone 😊

I'm so tempted to start making a silly joke in response- my usual defense mechanism ha, ha.

I guess I'm used to looking out for me. There's a line in a movie that goes something like "I take care of myself. That's what I do." I can relate to those words. When there hasn't been much emotional support, you learn to be your own one-person support system.

I think it's beautiful that you're learning to both give and receive love as well as self-love. I don't know if I'm much good at any of the 3. I don't hate myself- just indifferent.

Your post was really moving. I kind of don't know what to say if I'm honest. I guess I feel humbled and cared for by you (it's really hard for me to say that ha, ha).

You and Croix are slowly getting to me- pains me to admit this- and I kind of want to find a rock and hide under it. Not to hide from you guys but to hide from myself. Don't know if I'm making sense.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara & Croix,

Forgot to say...you guys are awesome. Virtual hugs!

Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot to me even though I often feel I'm not great at expressing my appreciation. Adore both of you.

Dottie xxx