Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (and Sara),

This will be short as I need to get to work. I saw the word, melancholy, in your post.

You know we're here for you if you want to talk, right? In saying that, there's no pressure- you don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to discuss.

Same goes for you, Sara- you know that we're here for you too.

Love you both,

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[blondguy]

Hi Sara

Its really great to see you back online. (Im sorry that I have been slack and not been on your thread)

I really admire your focus and clarity where your health is concerned.

There are no high expectations here Sara.

You come first.

All other considerations are secondary.

Hugs

Paul

PS: Fabulous Avatar by the way......a true indicator of your inner strength

[Just Sara]

Well Hello dear Paul;

Thanks for your welcoming post, words of encouragement and kind support. You've been in my corner since you were appointed as a CC; much to my benefit.

I know how demanding it can be as a champ trying to get around the site to respond to everyone, so don't worry about not posting on here as often as you might like. I really appreciate your presence; quality over quantity.

And you're right; transitioning from external focus to self first has been a roller coaster ride. You've watched this in motion. Knowing me as you do is a plus; you seem to have the right things to say at the right times. So thankyou...

My avatar depicts 'Sara' in her/my mode of readiness, having the right tools for the good fight. I don't mean fighting depression, I mean doing what's not always easy to learn and recover. She is a bit of alright though isn't she?! Ha ha...

Your advice and guidance has consistently been; "...gentle and kind" I hear you as I always have...

Thankyou Paul...I hope life's treating you well too; you deserve it.

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hey kind Star;

I'm sorry I missed replying to your lovely welcome home post. As with Paul, you've been a shining light through my presence on BB.

Managing to get around and navigate the many threads we contribute to can be daunting. It seems you're in that place. Please don't worry; we all have this to contend with, only do what you can is the advice you gave me.

It's mighty how you translate people's plights into the beautiful language that is 'Star'. You're one of my fave's to read due to this.

Thankyou again for your words of support. As with me; take care of you first ok?

Kind and gentle...

Sara

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix and Dottie;

I was trying to address everyone individually, but am so tired I can hardly see the screen. A friend has been hurt at work and needs me in his corner, and my son is struggling as well.

I'll endeavour to get back to you as soon as I can. Thankyou both for the welcome home, support and kindness. Croix, I hope your melancholy has shifted. We're concerned for your well being just as you are of ours. Dottie; telling your story isn't necessary. Just like the last time you purged about your friends, it'll come when it's time.

Stay well...

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hi everyone;

It's so nice to get up to a cool breeze and wearing my warm dressing gown. Relief from the Summer heat helps as a mood stabilizer.

My new dose of AD is keeping my mind steady, though coffee and cig's tend to get me a bit shaky in the mornings. I had some PTSD symptoms to deal with last night, but managed to get through it after having a sweet treat.

It amazes me how food/beverages can act like a drug on body and mind. The little girl inside me knows what works. I slept well unmedicated so all wasn't lost during my last episode and hospitalization.

I still have lucid bizarre dreams though; they used to be all men but have morphed to being men, women and children; this is a good sign. Also, there's no violence or waking with tears and grief.

My metabolism has plummeted from the absence of adrenaline/cortisol, so my body isn't acting as it usually does. Dr Kim says it's probably a combination of things and to keep to a balanced diet and exercise program.

I've just received an sos call from my friend. I'll leave things here and maybe pop in tomorrow.

Take care guys...

Sara

[Wilma1]

Sara, you don't need to answer my post. I just want you to know I'm in your corner. Caring listening, being whatever you might need/want. Wishful

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~

Dottie: I hope the grey is a little lighter. I found a site you might be interested in - if you don't know of it already of course.

It's music-map. a ingenious setup where you enter an artist's name and a page opens up with other artists' names as differing distances from the center. The theory being the closer to the center the closer that artist is to your original choice. I've found it fairly accurate for the stuff I'm listening to at the moment (continental triste).

Sara: You sound like you're are getting back on form, your most recent post elsewhere reminded me of a similar one you did a couple of weeks ago, forthright, strong and no nonsense. I'm glad it's a trifle cooler for you, one stressor less I guess.

I hope your friend and also your son are ok.

Your bizarre dreaming remindeds me of a reason I'm not 100%. I had 2 on-duty incidents during which I had to destroy a number of animals in most unpleasant circumstances. While I've always acknowledged the facts and have been able to talk about them dispassionately recently - it all suddenly hit me in Glorious Technicolor with Dolby Sound and other sensory input. It's repeated, mainly at night.

I say my pshrink and am working on it. Most upsetting, partly because it takes me back in intensity a lot of years, and partly because it points out there might be other hidden 'gochas' buried waiting for future release.

This does not seem to be in any way related to my normal life or that on the Forum, so go figure. My pshrink says my cast-iron defenses are melting - he gets the big bucks for such deep and penetrating pronouncements:) He feels its a positive step. I like that, I do the actual feeling, he says 'he feels..'

Anyway I'm off for a walk.

Croix

[Just Sara]

Good morning Croix;

I'm sorry to hear of such tragic encounters with animals. But it's good to know you're getting support for it too. Dreams are a deep imprint of our subconscious mind trying to unravel the unravelable. (I think I just made up a word..meh..whateva!) I'm so glad I haven't had a bad one of late; I wish the same for you.

Triggers come in all shapes and sizes sometimes, it's an eye opener when they hit with intensity without knowing why. But in saying that, the 'why's' aren't as important as our ability to cope with such happenings. Management strategies etc...

I like the way you used the word 'released'; it impresses a sense of letting go. Nice one! That's what dreams can do, 'release' the beast of emotion and pent up fear. I've found it only comes when we're ready to confront it. I hope things become clearer soon.

Yes, I did get a bit heavy handed with my post yesterday; alas it was taken to heaven. It was an attempt to rid myself of some very nasty internal depressive and anxious feelings being experienced. A friend suggested anger management. It worked!

The issues prevailing in that thread mimicked similarly the situation in my head; past relationship stuff. So it was an opportunity to revisit some repressed anger.

PTSD is insidious at times especially when 'new' stuff surfaces. Anger happens to be my downfall, as expressing it verbally can be difficult. When it does come out, I tend to blurt, then cry from frustration and guilt.

Consequences over the yrs can sometimes be brutal when this occurs. People who know me, understand I'm trying to get out some horrible feelings that haven't yet announced themselves as 'exact'; they're still in their infancy.

I hope it settles or reveals itself soon for you Croix, you deserve peace.

Have a lovely day! (and walk)

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie;

Missing you dear one. I hope life is treating you well to counteract any nasty's in the fore. Laughter is the best medicine I've found. Though for you, music is your gift. Maybe you could combine the two? The silent film era did this with bells on!

Keystone Cops and the little guy with bowler hat and cane? Maybe you could put on some fave music to a popular silent film (a funny one) and turn the TV sound down? Just a thought hun.

I spoke with someone this morning who had me in stitches. That 'sigh' you get after it's over is just as pleasant, leaving a smile and squinted eyes in its wake. You know the one I'm talking about?

When my son was little, he used to get cranky with me for laughing at movies where people used physical humour to bolster the laughs. He said it was cruel to poke fun at someone's seemingly painful mishaps. He's nothing like that now.

Slapstick comedy made a comeback in the 90's, or at least attempted a comeback. Some was ok, but most came across dated and stupid.

I still miss you sweetie. Big squeezing hug coming your way...Mwah!

Btw Croix...my son is doing ok now, and my friend doesn't look like he'll work for quite a while...back injury. Thankyou for inquiring.

Warm thoughts to all...

Sara