Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie~

I’ve been a little quieter on the forum the last few days due to some personal worries. A line from another poster in midst of their grief however caught my attention:

Perhaps best to have nothing we love, nothing we value, then we can't have the pain of losing it!

I can sympathize with that person, when in the depths of despair because of another’s acts, or beside oneself with worry for one for whom one cares, or after such a one has gone, then this notion may, in the midst of pain-skewed thought, seem like a calm haven where all is serene.

For me I’ve come to accept that’s quite wrong. For many reasons.

First to be that way all one’s life, cut off by numbness or uncaring, at a distance from all humans, is possibly the greatest grief of all –e ven if the person concerned does not realize it.

Second it’s not just about me, if I’m I the midst of worry about another, the fact that there is someone there who cares and is concerned may ease their burden a little – or a lot , no matter what their circumstances. If someone has passed away the happiness they had still counts.

Third, to know others, particularly those special ones, is joy, happiness, fulfillment, being not alone.

To love, share, help, be helped is more than gold. The price one pays when it ends is weighty at the time but – again for me- so worth it.

An example: I am not now afraid to look back on my first marriage, though it brings both happiness and sadness. At one time I would have given anything to forget it entirely, I was wrong to have that desire, as I can now see.

OK, I’ve finished rambling.

All my affection,

Croix

[Just Sara]

Good morning my dear Dottie;

Thankyou for your kind and warm words of support and comfort. I knew my disclosure would 'bite', but also knew it would be seen by you as part of my process. I trust you; care about you. Please know I hear you and appreciate your presence and understanding.

I hope my words didn't alarm you; I did try to express things as a 'past' element not being experienced in the present.

As my constant caring 'witness' to many months of my 'life', you've instilled 'purpose' to our relationship. You're always 'there/here'; my go-to friend when life's tough. It's an emotional experience knowing this...(tears)

I'm still in recovery mode and will be for a while I suspect. Please don't let my grief and words 'get in' ok? We've been here before, and probably will be again. Protect yourself from absorbing emotions that belong to others. I always have things covered with self insight/knowledge/awareness/courage, just as you do.

Much love...

Dear Croix;

You wrote: 'I've found when going though times of great upset, frightening, tiring, seemly without close end it can be hard to always deal with the care and attention of friends. They may look to deep, or miss the point, or just be an extra layer to life that represents an added burden.'

You're too hard on yourself and may assume I feel the same...I don't. Friendship is a process and will find balance thru trial and error if both are open to it. Learning how to support and be supported is the key.

Forgiveness, being grateful and understanding grows as friendship evolves; as does purpose, meaning, laughter and joy. We contribute so much of our pain and sometimes forget we've shared many fun and expressive times too.

It's this balance that makes us whole.

Being heard, acknowledged and validated is among the most important gifts of true friendship. We're all doing fine ok...perfection is a myth.

A good heart trumps a black card any day of the week.

Much love...

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

A good heart trumps a black card any day of the week

I think I'll always remember that saying.

Thank you

Croix

[Just Sara]

You're welcome my dear Croix...

[Wilma1]

Sara, Dottie, Croix. I visit regularly, say little. Sometimes something has to be said. THANK YOU. (Tears). It's a priveledge to read your posts. Wishful

[Croix]

Dear Wishful~

I visit regularly, say little

Now I know I should resit the temptation to say this .... umm ..... nope I give in: "Cat got your tongue?"

Thank you Wishful, I think it is because we care and speak from the heart.

Croix (sorry about the terrible joke)

[Just Sara]

My dear Wishful;

The fact you get so much from our stories is heart warming and special. The tears you cry I suspect might be from the love you carry inside and don't feel worthy of it or anyone else's either. Though I could be wrong of course. It might be nice to tell your side of things to correct me?

I know life's been hard for you at times; I'm so sorry for not visiting your thread that often. I should make the effort to support you more my lovely. You so deserve it.

Thankyou for your words and for caring. You are appreciated more than you know. Again, please spend some time expressing your tears to us. I welcome you with open arms...

Sara

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix + Wishful,

Thank you for the posts- I have read all of them, and have appreciated the kind words exchanged here.

Sorry, I'm on my way to work now so I can't write a longer response. I'll be back later today- talk then 😊

Keep at this amazeness,

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Wilma1]

Sara, I'm new to tears, new to feelings. That's why your words are so important. Your journey is amazing. I just want to encourage you in my own awkward way, to keep going. You don't have to visit my thread Sara, just keep doing what you are doing. Wishful

[Just Sara]

Hello lovely Wishful;

I did visit your thread and left the 1000th post; feeling thankful it was me. Your feedback is important and relevant, it means we on these pages are doing good.

You can cry here anytime you like; my sleeves are long and shoulders strong...

Dearest Dottie;

The other night when I was low, I put the Light Classical channel on, playing well known classics from all and sundry. How beautiful and exciting! I was lost within a swirling (cranked up volume) vacuum of sound that filled my soul. Even operatic solo's gave me an opportunity to sing along and sway with my doggy in my arms enjoying the two-ing and fro-ing. I understand this love of yours now from an experiential place; my living room!

I want more! Thankyou my sweet...

Dear Croix;

I hope last night went well visiting your friend. Your compassion and commitment to him is commendable; there should be more like you. I've thought many times about seeing a client I used to work with to catch up. It's been a while, but I'm sure he'd remember me. Time will tell...triggers might be an issue though.

Saturday is my housework catch up day, so the washing is screaming for attention. In this heat, I'm sure it'll dry without problem. In fact, by the time I finish hanging the last item, the first one will have dried. lol

Take care in this heat peep's; nothing too strenuous 'kay. For those in the southern states, bah humbug!! Jealous much? You bet!

Sara