Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Dearest Croix;

I'm watching you post all over the site in awe. You're really getting the hang of things, so congratulations!

I read your comment to Star on Tony WK's thread re crying. She certainly packs a punch with her experience and insight eh?

If I may be so bold to ask if you could elaborate? You don't have to of course, it got me curious, that's all.

I guess, as with Dottie, I care about you and want to feel integral in your recovery and ah-ha moments too. Hmm...does sound a bit thingy...sorry. I don't know how else to put it though.

Actually I'd like to write more, but tiredness has set in suddenly.

I may return later...

Affection...

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

First of all - I definitely do not feel 'a little maternal' - what a thing to say! (Dottie take no notice of her)

Second of all - I did put a post about crying earlier on in Whitenights's thread - probably hidden way back on page 1.

It basically said I was brought up in an environment where gentlemen never ever cried, and that with the exception of PTSD crises I never did. I'll quote the next section as it explains my comment to Starwolf

Now, some 30 years later, whilst inside this Forum, the little world of text, tragedy, heroism and humanity I've started crying again. Not often, but sometimes. A gentle welling up of tears with tightened throat, obscuring my reading or typing. It can be because of memories of hurt that posts have evoked, sometimes it is the plight or kindnesses of others here.
I've no real idea why, I've no real idea how I'm changing, though I know I am. I do know it is not a threat.

As for you dear gentle Sara, you are not thingy and your attention is most welcome, though not at the expense of getting you over-tired, please get some rest.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Wow, what an insightful, thought provoking post.

You make a good point about trusting one's instincts. Anxiety versus instinct, huh? Your instincts served you well when you kept your distance from the foul mouthed officer from the get-go.

Aw thank you...I'm a little speechless from your heartfelt admission. I agree that I'm no weather-vane.

Thanks again and keep doing your amaze thing.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (+ anyone reading),

Yesterday sounds like it was a rest and recovery day. I'm sure your to-do list can wait as your mental health is infinitely more important.

You're still redefining your equilibrium- no wonder you feel out of kilter. Hopefully, over time, you'll find both feet planted on level ground.

I guess it's all part of the process. You'll get there; I have faith in you. We're all here for you if you want to chat but there's no pressure. Don't force yourself if the words aren't there, k?

I, Claude Monet sounds like the perfect movie for you. I love biopics! All the better if it's about someone in the creative field. There's a biopic about Frida Kahlo that I'm itching to see (I think it's on Netflix?)

Yes, I'm with you on architecture. Sadly, I feel it's often overlooked. I sometimes see these building designs and feel there's minimal artistry there.

Oh Sara, I'm deeply moved by your maternal instincts. A little speechless (again) but also feeling underserving. In any case, it must have been/be sad for you that circumstances meant no daughter after your son.

You know, on the one hand, I want to say mad props to you for pushing through and helping posters despite your own low mood and exhaustion. On the other hand, it makes me worry that you're over exerting yourself. Oxygen mask, remember? You deserve to look after you too. You're worthy of self care.

Big, big virtual hug. You're amaze.

Dottie xxx

P.S. Croix, you're comment about not feeling maternal gave me a bit of a chuckle.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (+ everyone else),

Sara, I know you're going through a big transition and have been pretty wiped lately. I just wanted to pop in to say hi and that I'm thinking of you.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie;

I'm just popping in to try and give myself distraction from 'self' for a while. Things have been quite unpleasant and I'm finding negativity creeping in; focus on others hopefully will sidetrack this.

Thankyou for words of support, I love reading them. As for feeling undeserving of my maternal thoughts, it doesn't surprise me at all. I know you find it difficult to accept praise and the like. I'll just keep plodding away telling it like it is my lovely.

I, Claude Monet will be as spectacular as I envision; I've no doubt about this. As for Frida Kahlo, what an inspirational woman! Her paintings are so unique, and as for the love she had for her country, her efforts in bringing freedom to Mexico are lined throughout the pages of history. (Not to mention her exquisite beauty) Will have to find out where/when to watch...thankyou for the head's up.

As I state many times, balance is a work in progress. This particular time is very different from the norm, so I'm dealing with it blind so to speak. You know me though, I'll get through it as I do and come out the other side with a new resolve. Please don't worry ok?

How's things going in the 'friend zone'? Are things settled or re-aligning? Thoughts?

Dear Croix;

PA-ternal, not MA-ternal!! Silly duffa! I'm maternal, you're the paternal figure (if I can say that in front of you Dottie) I was referring to us as pseudo mum and dad. (Ma and Pa) I had a good laugh at your interpretation C-man. Thanks!

Yes, I've been resting when I can. Sleep is best to combat the depressive state I'm in. All good...

Damn, feeling tired again. Don't think I can offer any more help today. Who knows though, I might be back later on depending how I feel.

Still giggling about you being Ma Croix...he he

Love you both...Sara

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (special shoutout to Ma Croix- you're not living this one down in the foreseeable future ha, ha- and "hi" to everyone else too),

Things do sound pretty out of kilter for you right now. As you've said before, you're recalibrating so naturally that can be very unsettling as you're no longer in your "comfort zone." I wonder if this is part of why you've been been feeling down (like maybe you're mourning the old you/old way of being). Either way, you have my support and lots of virtual hugs.

I just looked up the trailer. It looks like I, Claude Monet will be both moving and a visual feast. I have to admit that I would prefer the film in French as Monet was French himself. Nevertheless, I still want to see it!

Frida Kahlo certainly lived a very colourful but also very sad life. I just checked and her biopic was released in 2002- the film is on my ever growing Netflix list but I still haven't seen it yet. I think it won 2 Academy Awards and Salma Hayek was nominated for her portrayal.

It kind of makes you wonder how life would have been for Frida Kahlo had she been born, say, in more recent times. I think she studied natural sciences and wanted to go to med school (very rare for women of that era).

But I think due to circumstances- not for a lack of a ability- she didn't go to med school (I'm not 100% sure about this). Anyway, she was very talented (obviously ha, ha), extremely bright and I agree that she was inspiring.

Well, I've blocked a couple of them from all my social media platforms and my phone. So I guess you could say it has been more "peaceful" ha, ha. Also I have a cold and am blissfully medicated so am in a fairly calm state right now 😉 Thanks be to modern meds, my nose is no longer dripping like a broken tap.

Rest up, Sara. Thank you for jumping online to post despite feeling very blue. I hope you sleep well and feel somewhat rejuvenated when you wake up.

Much love 💗

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey D-girl;

As I've left this thread till lucky last, the brain isn't quite up to the challenge. I will say though your last post to me was beautiful to read.

I've taken everything on board, but am finding it a bit hard to relay my thoughts back to you on each topic. Sorry about this...

I've been very upset of late which has frightened me; even to the point of being on suicide watch over myself. I did however have an amazing talk with a Social Worker today who helped bring the nasty guts of it to the fore. I'm so grateful these people exist for us. No more 'watching' over me, I have the mongrel in my grip.

I'm still taking it day by day, but am feeling so much more confident again. I'll endeavour to explain things better at a later date. Maybe not in so much detail, but in an effort to inform others of how we can 'save' ourselves in times of confusion.

Croix-thinking of you.

Affection;

Sara

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie~

I've found when going though times of great upset, frightening, tiring, seemly without close end it can be hard to always deal with the care and attention of friends. They may look to deep, or miss the point, or just be an extra layer to life that represents an added burden.

Friends will wait, quietly caring until their time comes.

All my affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Oh Sara,

Thank you so much for your honesty. I knew you had been struggling but I didn't realise the extent of it. Being on the brink is very scary. No wonder you felt so alarmed and shaken.

I'm glad you had the social worker's expertise and support in your corner. Take your time to get through this and don't worry about not addressing the random points about Monet and Kahlo. You do you. One step at a time.

Don't worry about posting when you're not feeling up to it. You gotta mend you at your own pace.

Love ya,

Dottie xxxxxxxx