Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[1113]

As you may know Im unwell atm,

All my thoughts right now are just that. Except my thoughts are words. But coming from a very sick perspective, which Ironically this forum is for.

Please take no offence to this post.

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Perspective................

Every word is helping someone elses perspective.

One cannot assume they know anything.

'Assume' makes an ass out of u and me.

Everyones perspective is different.

Everyones life is different.

Although you have a plethora of very decent information in this thread, "bias" is when you start to class yourself.

Judge not other's unless you want judgement be open you. This is basic karmic law.

Open to public means "unbiased".

Every word read is through your eyes. Insecurities come from within you.

Getting to know you? Or is it me? Or do we really care?

When being open to helping the needy every word and thought must come from a non judgmental aspect.

The biggest issue with mental illness is feeling justified, safe, secure and understood. Because generally thats our biggest issue. Why we are all here.

Judgement is in our core belief, its how we see ourselves.

Words have different meaning/perspective to everyone.

Words said from mentally ill people should be judged least.

Words are our biggest problem.

Words are our whole world.

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This is coming from a very dark place atm.

My thoughts while at the bottom of a big dark hole.

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When im down looking up from death

The whole is deep and the light is slim

I cannot justify who i am

Will someone help me out

My words aren't true

I know not what I say

Will someone help me up

I know not how i feel

Will someone help me up

I know not you at all

Will someone not help me up

I care not for you, for I cannot find care for me.

Will someone not help me up

When Im down will I not be kicked further down

Will someone not help me up.

I fear for life

I need a hand

I care not whos

Does who care for mine

Confusion is already, mental illness

Why need more confusion

Hand is out for me

But only if I am worthy

Who decides of worthiness

You

Me

Who?

-------------

Please take no offence

For this is perspective of mental illness.

From one who's very ill atm

Eyes of desperation

Peace.

See ya soon.

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Corny + drool~

Thank you for the warning, as a novice in this area I appreciate it. I have not yet been to anything other than relaxation exercises on steroids in this app. . The relaxation exercises I used to do were somewhat less than efficacious and this seems to be an improvement. I did try the Breathing app, however as my phone does not always respond to touch as it should the results could be considered unfortunate.

I'm finding this an interesting and productive world, one of the main reasons being that it is staffed by persons that have no pecuniary interest but are here - in the main - for a common cause. All this inside an environment not run by FANG or its derivatives - amazing

I've been working (honorary) for the last 14 years in a Governmental Corporate organization, which although inherently worthwhile and stretching my IT talents is pretty soul-destroying. Living in Yes Minister would be a relief. As a result the Forums are seeming like an alien universe. I've yet to trip over the hidden big 'gotchas' which I guess must exist everywhere.

The forums I suspect could be a snare for the occasional long term user, providing a 'safe' environment where metered doses of affection are available together with interest, responsibility and challenge. With all that perilous adventures outside might seem less attractive or have their importance overshadowed. Rather like being the traveler on a ship to Mars in some ways. I'm fortunate in having a home environment and work to provide a balance. Not everyone is as lucky.

Having appeared like the Tooth Fairy and metered out dollops of wisdom to all and sundry (vaguely reminiscent of an army mess) and then disappeared are you able to say when the mess will be open again?

My affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Matt
You sound in the bad place

I’ve no words of wisdom

Let me use words in another way to draw you for a moment into my past away from your pain

Y Merlyn
Picture a slightly tubby youth, decked out in hacking-jacket, jodhpurs, hard hat and shiny boots clutching a riding crop and walking towards the stables were the new occupant had been installed by parents

The youth is confident, with many months – no years’ experience in a riding school trotting on calm beasts too weary to voice an opinion

The occupant on the other hand is short – 13 hands, stocky and with unkempt dun coat, bristly mane and tail. Comes from the Snowdon area in Wales

The youth enters the stable, dark and smelling of hay and dung. The occupant is in the centre stall, backside towards the youth

Picking up the bridle he opens the half-door and enters the stall, heading towards the head, in order to fit the bridle

As he reaches the middle of the stall the occupant looks round and then edges over – gently squashing the youth against the side

Several hacking-jacket buttons later the youth reaches the head and tries to open the occupant’s mouth to insert the snaffle. No cooperation. Then too much, that mouth open and closes on the youth

Dragging arm out (with a rag of sleeve left as evidence) the youth loses presence of mind and heads back to the door, forgetting in his haste the occupant has other options

Just as he starts to close the door a casual kick lands on it, tumbling the youth to the floor

The occupant finds hay in its manger and contemplates

Be at peace Matt

Croix

(My apologies if this is off topic - I thought it needed now even though it's in the wrong place)

[Guest_322]

Hi Matt,

I'm not really sure how to respond to your most recent post but I now know that you're not in a good headspace.

All I can offer is in my own way- even if it's clouded by my own experiences, upbringing, etc- I hear your pain. I don't have a perfect understanding of what you're going through- no one knows you better than you after all. But hang in there.

Peace indeed.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

New year, new avatar. Good for you!

Yes, your thread has definitely evolved over time. But I guess you're changing too so it makes sense that your thread wouldn't be the same as it was on day 1. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing- maybe now is just the teething period on this thread, you know.

I think it's great that you're getting back into journaling. Public forum thoughts and private journal thoughts can complement each other to aid your self discovery.

Look, I think you'll figure it out. You're a work in progress as is thread. Maybe I'm more reckless but I think it's better to hit a few bumps along the way than stagnate- just my (random) 2 cents.

Keep up the amazeness.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Jack Cornfield,

We missed you (I bet Sara cried tears of joy when she saw you here)!

By the sea and golden retrievers sound nice but, uh, not so much the buckets of drool. Taking care of your mum must be hard (love doesn't necessarily make it easier but I'll leave it at that).

As for your Christmas, don't worry, I wasn't going to ask.

Yes, I bolted because sometimes you just have to do it, you know. Luckily I'm on uni holidays at the moment so I can work more, which helps a lot.

Ha, ha I love dancing. Croix may or may not now associate Beiber's Love Yourself with you btw (laughs). And Summertime Sadness.

Anyway, I'm happy to see you here even though I know you have your mum and an offline life.

Write whenever you feel up to it. No pressure. I love hearing from you but I understand that you have your own struggles and other priorities.

I think you're an amaze daughter to your mum btw. She's lucky to have you.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Dear Matt;

I understand where you're at; I've been there many times. Although words can be healing, they can also mix with mood, emotion and psychic disturbances to keep us from reality.

I'm here supporting your journey too. Please contact a crisis counseling service or speak with someone face to face. I also urge you to 'do' something active around the house or watch a funny movie to find balance with mind and body. This will help you feel centred instead of in your head all the time.

***If you're having self harm thoughts or feel like giving up, please call 000 or the mental health crisis hotline in your state. If you have prn (as required) medication such as anti anxiety, please take a prescribed reasonable dose to help with sleep. If you're not sure of how much or what to take, call the poisons information centre and ask for help***

There are times for perspective and opinions, and there are times to just be still and feel your breath, or the ground beneath your feet. A hug or physical affection from a loved one can do wonders. Give yourself comfort and unconditional caring, just as you would your own son.

This too shall pass dear Matt.

All my kind and warm support...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

Thank you for doing that and showing the way, I've noticed Matt gives his 'poetry' in other places too.

It's funny. If someone was a first poster one would recommend that sort of thing straight away (or press the report-a-post button). With a regular member one can fall into the trap -as I did - of thinking it is his 'norm'.

Affectionately

Croix

[1113]

JAS,

Thankyou for your understanding.

I will take your advice.

I am not alone atm.

Hello everyone else

Peace

See ya soon

[Just Sara]

My dearest Matt;

You know I care about you, that's a given. It pleases me to no end knowing you're not alone and in a better frame of mind. I'm relieved...

I send my warm thoughts across cyber space to you and yours. Keep up the fantastic work of self mainatenance and care. One step forward...

Sara xo