Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[1113]

JAS,

I will take a break for awhile.

Thank you ALL so very much for your kind words and compassion.

Know that I'm ok. I have wounderful support atm. My mother. Time is needed to heal.

I cannot allow myself to "feel" much atm. This is not in my best interests. This post is difficult. My eyes are wrong atm. If you know what I mean.

I will return to all you wounderful souls when I find my balance. I really appreciate the understanding.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

Peace

Matt.

[Just Sara]

Well done Matt!

I'm so proud of you for recognising where you are and what's best for you. Give my best to your mum, she's a peach for supporting you.

Hugs...JAS

[Guest_322]

Hi Matt,

There's no apology needed. You take care- you gotta do you. I second what Sara said about your mum.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie, Cornie:~

Sara~

I hope your journal is proving satisfactory - I've never tried one, has never occurred to me, probably spent all my energies writing lists to bolster memory. If you get the chance and it's appropriate please send me the origin of those two helpful quotes

Mess Sgt Corny~

I appreciated the dollop and am lining up for the next. Its amazing how much 'meat' you were able to pack in that last issue. Does it all come to you all at once, or do you have to think it out in stages? I hope the sitting is not too arduous and you do not have to dive too much into apps as a result

Dear Dottie~

I had a nasty thought (I tend to have quite an impressive collection);

My distrust helps me attribute motives to people some might not deserve and I thought there was a chance you might come to think of me wanting to make a 'project' out of you, sort of like trying to build the Eiffel Tower out of the bits and pieces of a human's life.

Far from it, I merely hope to huddle with another in the dark hall of distrust before the tiny warm candle whose wick is pleasant talk and wax-body matters of music and other favored pastimes. If that leads to benefit -a bonus to us both - if not then at least there were those times (plus all that wax will have made a mess on the floor:)

All my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

It just occurred to me, I could staple all past lists end to end - voilà - instant journal!

C

[Just Sara]

Hi Croix;

"Our deepest fear..." is from Nelson Mandella. It's a well known quote that's been written about and even said in total during the scene of a movie. (Can't remember the name)

Journalling is going well, thanks for asking.

Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Croix, I appreciate your attention to detail and thoughtfulness. But rest assured, the thought of you wanting to turn me into some sort of project never even crossed my mind. I hope that helps you set your worry aside.

I was more referring to people and problems in my offline life in my other thread. I guess we become- or at least to an extent- a product of our environment. It's not the be all and end all but it certainly plays a huge role.

Yes, I also enjoy our chats about a wide range of topics- music or otherwise ha, ha.

I don't know how you're faring today but you're in my thoughts. I hope you and your wife are having a nice day.

Sara, I'm glad to hear that you seem to be getting something out of your journaling. I look forward to whenever you next want to- and feel up to it- share one of your insights, anecdotes, observations, etc with us here. Miss you.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I don't want to clutter this thread up with irrelevancies, can you recommend another thread where we could have a chat?

Ta

C

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I hope you're not doubting yourself again and beating yourself up over anything that you've said or we have said.

I just have a sneaking feeling that you are...for what it's worth, there seems to be a consensus that everyone on this thread likes you. You're awesome!

Hugs as Sara likes to say!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

You really are a gem & must have great antenna on the go all the time- but only 1/2 right:)

When are you gong to tell me all about Bouville?

My great affection

Croix