Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

My dearest fragile Croix butterfly...how my heart sank when I read your previous post. We must've posted at the same time hun.

Please, please stop berating yourself; you're so hard on you. I and others have welcomed you, your wit, intelligence, expression, creativity, beauty, empathy, openness and the plethora of positive qualities you exhibit.

The 'idea' this thread represents, is coming out in your words so painfully raw, it's excruciating to watch and not be able to hug you.

You haven't learned to separate me from you! I write about my opinions and me...you respond by apologising and looking for fault in Croix and how to fix it! This's chronic PTSD in action my dear sweet man. Self blame for pain others experience is notorious in trauma victims.

I'm posting this right now hoping you'll read it immediately. I'll continue further on...Sara (Massive squeezing hugs!)

[Just Sara]

I'm making a coffee and dealing with my internal heartfelt tears for you...a blessed caring soul. You aren't weak!! You're recovering from damage to your mind and spirit. Just being here makes you a hero...a HERO!!!

You may read between my lines how panic and worry is coming from me as I also fight self blame for where you are right now. Rationally I know I can't control you or your choices/decisions, but triggers are triggers. They can be our saviours though if we choose to acknowledge and learn from them.

Can you, or anyone for that matter, speak for me, think for me or act for me?? The answer must be unequivically "No" How then is it you who has to fix 'my' problems with posting on this thread? Isn't this what fear and PTSD is all about? Self blame? "I am the cause of all life's woes"

Are we that; all knowing and powerful; God-like??? No! We're flawed humans trying to survive in a world where perfection and dominance rule with a mighty financial and controlling force. We're fallible Croix. That's what we see in each other my dear man. Knowing me is knowing you...

'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others'

Living our greatness means we have only to be accountable for ourselves. How scary is that shit!!!? Our PTSD ensures we take responsibility off the shoulders of abusers, rapists, murderers, bully's and the like. We're just not capable of sustaining that; it's not our right.

This thread is about getting to know ourselves as a separate entity from others. Isn't being gentle, patient, kind and tolerant of ourselves first, something to learn and pass on?

Please don't allow confusion to rule...Sara xoxoxoxo

[Croix]

My dear Sara~

Your most welcome replies have moved me to tears.

The only thing I will say at the moment is that trying to discuss matters such as this by the only means available - delayed text with all its ambiguities & limitations - makes it very much more difficult than if we were face to face. (even though it is also the main strength of this place)

In all probability it is at least partly these ambiguities that have triggered my episode, rather than anything you intended.

You are a pillar of support

I'll talk later

Croix

[Just Sara]

It's difficult to leave you Croix;

As with you, I've grown to care about you, though I've been trying to avoid closeness. (Fear of my past catching up) Your self expression and intelligence has complemented this thread and me specifically.

Dottie has bloomed since you arrived too, this is totally beautiful. And Corny has risen to the occasion with her presence and, 'in your face off the cuff' responses. I love her quirkiness as I'm sure you do too.

I won't carry on as I have above; I've settled and am awaiting your return. I offer my sincere apology for the confusion and loss you're experiencing. Not because of taking on your responsibility, but because of my 'slow to the mark' way of getting to the core of my issues and dragging people into that realm. I'm trying to be forgiving of myself, though I do have regrets.

I'm proud to call you my friend and mentor...

Just being myself...Sara xoxoxoox

[Just Sara]

Oh Croix;

We've jumped the que again. I've read your response and am in tears of relief and caring. Thankyou for your wonderful words...thankyou for being the man you are...

Yes, 1 on 1 would be ideal. We'll talk later...

I'm glad you seem ok...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Corny, Croix, Grey, Matt and Paul,

I have read the posts from the past 2 days and I have to admit that I'm feeling somewhat confused and overwhelmed.

Before I get any further, I just wanted to say hi to Grey and Paul as I don't think that I've seen either of you on this thread before. It's great to see you both here!

Matt, I hope you don't mind if I say that that I'm slightly confused by your last couple of posts. Sorry, maybe I'm missing something- or just misinterpreting- as your posts seemed to oscillate from "positive" feedback (unless it was sarcastic?) to cynicism from 1 post to the next. Of course you're entitled to your own opinion (including any cynicism directed at me or in general) but I'm just a little confused.

Grey, I really enjoyed reading your post and I'm glad to see you're getting something out of us sharing tidbits about ourselves here.

Paul, thanks for the joke as it made me smile. As others have already commented, your presence here is widely appreciated.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie, Corny~
I've finished an attempt at 'Smiling Mind' which I'm please to say was a help - not as much as your posts Sara - but a help anyway. I expect it to increase in efficacy as I gain practice

Which means I'm back in business, though a tad tired. One of the things my psychiatrist said to me recently was that my 'recovery times' were often fast which he said was an indication of my state having improved a very great deal over the years

Still working on triggers though 🙂

Sara, apart from your healing concern and affection for me, there were a couple of quotes you gave which I particularly appreciated:

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do
&
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same

Pretty well chosen - are they from a particular text?

Dottie's previous response to my 'ogre' also helped considerably too – thanks Dottie

l now think I'm getting an idea of the breadth my of reactions to situations in these Forums. This includes both the sadness of other people's anguish and one case recently when several were fearing somebody might have killed themselves after a lengthy series of posts - fortunately turned out to be a false alarm

Plus of course my reactions in this thread

The difference from my life beforehand is that I’m learning to ask for and receive help – amazing!

I’ve a warning for you Sara in case you haven't realized. Despite your best intentions you are getting close, and I for one am exceedingly pleased

Sara - are you ok at the moment. Having me (and another) react as I did to your words could very well open up a whole heap of woe

Please be reassured. Trying to keep control and guide this thread is like herding cats, and attempting to do so with the limited means at your disposal makes it simply impossible without multiple attempts, some of which are bound to have unexpected effects on others

The effects on memory from mental injury make it that much harder too

Dottie~ Firstly I've asked Matt about cynicism already and he may clarify for us

Secondly while you have all the time in the world I'd be very sad if you did not give my your thoughts on my previous posts to you

​In addition I've mentioned you in passing a couple of times -always with affection

I return to work tomorrow and my posts will still be frequent, just more spasmodic

All my affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Judging from your posts, it has clearly been a very triggering and emotional 2 days for you. You've said it yourself that you care deeply about this thread, or more specifically, the posters on this thread and it really comes across in your writing.

And thank you for your comments on French philosophers, plays and Lana Del Rey. I really appreciate your perspective, and was originally going to post a response. But considering some of the more recent exchanges, I think that I might address those first if that's okay (?)

I agree with Sara that you are very hard on yourself. Your thoughtfulness and care with words as well as your concern with protocol and etiquette reflects a deep sensitivity and respect for your fellow posters. But no one is expecting "perfection" in your responses (or anyone else's posts for that matter...have you seen all my typos and questionable placing of full-stops?)

I mean, we all "wing it" to varying extents. I know that I certainly do. I'm much more obnoxious than you and have replied to, say, BPD threads when I didn't know the first thing about BPD, for example. I guess as long as you're respectful and speak from the heart- both of which are reflected in your posts- you're "on track" as far as I can tell. We all do the best we can. I don't think there's a template for responding, you know.

I wouldn't describe your current state as "weakness"- you're overwhelmed and triggered and just need some time to find your feet again.

Rest assured, I will second that you have had a positive influence here. You reminded me of my love of music and encouraged me to discuss it here. You checked if I was okay and tried to lift my spirits when I wasn't in a great head space.

Above all, you've been here for me and listened. I realise you responded here to one of my other threads. I'll get back to you in good time but I hope it's okay if I write my response in my original thread rather than here (?)

Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I mind where you respond. But considering the more recent posts on this thread, I'm worried my response would be confusing as it might seem out of place. Again, I want to reassure you that I'm very grateful for your support.

Take good care of yourself. Rest and recuperate. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't caused any harm. You aren't responsible for any of us. You spoke (wrote) and supported as best you could.

Virtual hug,

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear obnoxious Dottie with the questionable punctuation~

I really am too moved for words

You too are a pillar of strength for me

Croix

[Cornstarch]

Good evening threadsters,

It appears another year has passed.

I haven't read all the posts but just skimmed a few only on this thread. It's a little overwhelming as Dots said. I am by the sea, house sitting/doggy sitting for friends who have gone overseas for a little holiday after a hideous 2016, as well as Mummy minding while carers are on annual leave. I have the drool of 2 Golden Retrievers running down my legs as we speak. I have had 6 showers today.

I don't wish to discuss Christmas. That's that.

1113 there is nothing wrong with your personality mate, remember this is an online forum, and tone of voice and inflection cannot be discerned so naturally things are misinterpreted. Tell me what colour hair and eyes do I have?

Sara, spend less time on this forum and more time building face-to-face interactions in the real world. There may be some social stuff going on a few hours away on the Great Dividing Range in my old haunt, there's no excuse girl. A couple of weeks ago I replied that I believed your social isolation was a problem and the lack of face-to-face, eye-to-eye was clearly deficient. You conveniently side stepped that comment with your muscles but it appears your muscles have gone. You are now experiencing the 'screaming reds'. God I love that movie.

You know I'm right.

Dots I wanna go out dancing with you. I am so happy you do not live at home and despite the horrendous expense you moved out! Bet you were like me, bolted for the frigging door the 1st chance you got. No need to disect your Christmas, it was mud.

Croix as a fellow PTSD sufferer, I haven't tried the 'Smiling Mind' app as such, but in my experience you gotta be careful with mindfulness mate. You have to know how to titrate and pull back and go slow. My continued stupidity continues; I downloaded a meditation app a few days ago, I've been trawling through hundreds of meditations, there's some terrible ones and some good ones. I dived in head first, been living like a monk, and now on day 5, OH MY GOD the irritation, frustration is just awful. It stirs up the subconscious and 'clarity' can be a little too clear at times! Serves me right, I knew better, but it's just part of the process unfortunately. That's when you get outside and thrash your arms and legs because it can actually be too triggering if you're stress levels are high at this time of year anyway. Stupid me. But don't worry I'll be back on there tonight, no self control.

Good luck my pals.

Jack Cornfield