Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Happy New Year, Sara!

I just wanted to send lots of virtual hugs your way. I think this has been a huge transition period for you- you're going through a lot as you figure out what it means to be you.

You know I'm here for you if you want to chat, k?

Keep doing the amaze thing.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Happy New Year everyone!

I have read everyone's posts and will respond over the next 2 days.

As always, stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[blondguy]

Excuse I Sara Connor for butting in here as I know you are in a tough spot at the moment..

Matt....I just read your post....I am more than certain that Sara would never want you to be away from her thread. You bring care and wisdom. Me thinks that Sara would really love you to stick around 🙂

I might just s l o w l y walk out the door now...........bye!

woof

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
I tend to find that if a long-time user or expert in any field runs up against a problem then it's quite possible that others have too. I am therefor thinking along the following lines for the benefit of anyone in such a situation

As I do consider you an expert I'm showing you a draft post (for The forum suggestions/improvements thread) that follows on from my previous PostScript. I'd be grateful for your thoughts on if it should be modified, or any other matter you care to mention, including if it should not go ahead, be postponed or raised by another

----------------
"Dear Chris B

I wonder if the idea of voluntary posting restrictions on certain long-running threads would be something to consider

I am thinking that a certain class of thread be generally understood not to be overly disturbed by casual posts and that the regular posters in it have a measure of privacy, in that their posts, which probably consist of long running interactions, not be unnecessarily interrupted

Yes I know it sounds absurd where everyone can read anything, however I have observed that a level of healthy interchange can occur possibly thanks to the frail illusion of isolation. As I'd imagine the process of mental health recovery can be delicate and not necessarily short term a seemingly restricted long-term arena could encourage the revelations and discussion that lead to better understanding and informed decisions

I’m not suggesting that anything be invisible to users, such a thread could of course be read in the normal way by any user. I’d simply suggest a prefix of "Invitation Only" or "Private" or some such before the normal name

I'd propose there would be no effort to enforce restrictions on posting in those threads, but should rely upon courtesy, perhaps set out in Community Rules

I’m aware this does not answer the question of contacting someone who is inside the thread – though I’ve found that the process of contacting a specific user can be problematic at the moment anyway

Also that is still relies upon the ‘thread owner/starter’ to ask those that have outstayed their welcome to refrain from posting there (I’m sure the problem exists now). It might however make such a maneuver easier if the thread had a special status

I'd guess the above may give some a measure of needed security and peace

I'd welcome your, or anyone else's, views on the subject"
----------------

Affectionately

Croix (who wishes you the best of New Years too)

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie;

Thanks for the shout-out. I hear you loud and clear my lovely. Looking forward to your words with great enthusiasm. The New Year will be a great one indeed.

Staying amaze...Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Good morning Croix, Dottie, Matt, Paul and of course Corny;

I'm so grateful you're a straight shooter Croix; I so appreciate this. It's a really great letter, but knowing Chris as I do, it won't get past the gate. So please consider the following...

The purpose of this site is to invite people to join as equals; not to be judged or isolated. Therefore, privacy = special. In the past a whole thread was deleted due to it becoming a 'private' chat room. Are we heading in a similar direction?

Initial posts on here were of personal perspectives and experiences, there wasn't any social banter. We were sharing and remembering who we were as children to illicit forgotten beauty, skills, positive achievements, experiences etc. Is this worthy of continuing?

I returned and turned the thread into a sort of blog, which may have been ok then, but things have changed. For the better?

This is a space to recover and discover our positive attributes (due to trauma and mental health issues) Do you agree?

We spend so much effort/time dealing with symptoms and apathy. As kids we were different. (before authority figures told us who to be) Our childhood and adolescent adventures and wishes could be developed into mature understanding. How am I going?

We have threads to say hi, tell a joke or ask how each is coping etc. Our 'nom de plume' is BB's greatest asset. Let's use our anonymity to discuss my points as productive and functional members. What's your take on what I've put forward?

This is about my feelings and needs; you have every right to express differing or similar opinions freely without judgement or fear. I hope this doesn't challenge too much; I'd love to read your responses.

Respectfully;

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie, Corny & all~
[1] While addressed to Sara there is no reason you cannot put forward your views too. I’d be relieved to hear them as I feel I’m taking rather a lot on myself

[2] Ok, I’ll forget the letter. Since your initial post I’ve thought about the matter a great deal. My reply may not directly address everything but it is a starting point, please feel free to say I’m wrong or have missed something

[3] Firstly the joke, which was a present from me to you, could indeed have gone in your other thread – the one dealing with comedy. I apologize and I’ll bear that in mind for the future – I simply forgot about it

[4] Secondly people popping in takes up space, obliges one to reply and could be considered disruptive and ‘social’, however unless each person has their own thread – and it is easy to find – then there is a problem

[5] Perhaps the solution to that is for each person to do so. The good wishes, greetings invitations and so on can be sent there. At present I can find no way of contacting the majority of people directly. Perhaps I should make one myself, but from what you say about ‘private’ I’m not sure that would be allowed –what do you think?

[6] Thirdly this place is here, as far as I’m concerned, to help people in distress and lead, where possible to better mental states (myself included) - not a cure, a helping hand. It is also divided into quick response and long-term. If not I'm in trouble as that's why I’m here on bb

[7] A helping hand can, again as far as I can see, come in many guises (and here I’m going to be thinking of you as well as myself Dottie – no disrespect intended). As you Sara have noted some of our group has come a little further out of their shells due to what can be considered ‘off-topic’ subjects, handled in a light manner. I have

[8] I think this is of great value and the reason we are here – to care and help and learn and grow. As a practical matter separating the deep - from the pleasant matrix in which it is carried and encouraged – is beyond my capability. If they are not together their impact is lost – perhaps you can recommend something?

[9] You mention we have threads to ask how we are coping – I was under the impression this was the place and have done so more than once – am I wrong?

[10] I do not understand:
Our 'nom de plume' is BB's greatest asset. Let's use our anonymity to discuss my points as productive and functional members

Your guidance will be appreciated

Affectionately
Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I've numbered paragraphs just to make it easier to reply - I'm not trying to be stiff or formal

My affection (& respect)

Croix

[Croix]

Melancholy encouragement~
You can read this in conjunction with my previous numbered post – all the points are my attempts to get a handle on things here, not to be disruptive or preempt others’ entitlements or views or argue. That effort though had repercussions – and here I’m being self-centered & sorry for myself and taking up even more of this space

I’m starting to feel quite lost. I may not be the person people imagine although I’ve always spoken from the heart, I may post inappropriately and I may debate to enlarge my procedural understandings. I’m fallible and unfortunately another fragile butterfly. My guard has been down and I’ve come to genuinely care about those here

I came to bb with preconceptions, both of structure and aim, which may be well off-target. Unfortunately there’s no set of rules setting these out, they seem to be philosophical and just understood, and I’ve gone on assuming I’m on the right track. Maybe I’m way off base. My whole-hearted enthusiasm and efforts may be at a tangent to what’s required. Maybe I try too hard.

My talk, whether about mindfulness or French philosophers, has always been with the specific aim of improvement, caring and healing, either of my self or others. My inquires over others prompted by concern.

I can say that I’ve definitely grown since being here, learned more about myself and have benefited a lot. I’ve seen that many have injuries like mine, that there are coping strategies – and many are in worse places. I’ve had, I hope, some positive influences too. It has been most worthwhile and along with my affection I owe a great debt to those in this thread

Unfortunately I’m now heading down to the place I’ve mentioned before. I’ll get over it, it’s just an unpleasant interlude to endure. It’s nobody’s fault – except perhaps mine for having rushed in with too many preconceptions

Please don’t let my weakness distract you from setting out what needs to be done Sara – the sooner the better (and the sooner I’ll recover I guess)

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi Croix; everyone else is welcome to read and reply

I'm stoked you responded! Well organised and concise! I've had time to ponder too.

This thread was about me not knowing who I was. I looked for me in others. 'Knowing you or is that me?' People gelled with this concept immediately. When I went offline for a few weeks, it blew over; no-one to hold the reins.

Change can challenge the best of us, so I'm aware this might be me trying to bring back what felt safe, example; reading and replying to so many posts all communicating differently with each other caused the dreaded confusion/concentration/memory blip of PTSD. I felt inadequate.

(10) Being a CC, means other CC's know my personal details. The anonymity issue was bought up due to this. Having Paul (CC) drop in caused panic. The term 'invading your privacy' did too. (a Sara PTSD thing re relationships and group dynamics) My apologies for projecting my stuff into the conversation.

(3) Your joke.. I love your intelligent humour, but due it being from another thread, I agree it could've been placed there. No biggie though. Popping in (4) to "Tell a joke" wasn't referring to you, just in general ok?

(4) People popping in..keeping on topic is primary to me. Saying 'hi' can be dealt with on social threads. Giving support, proposing relevant discussions or asking for help on the other hand are welcome.

(5) Contacting specific people..I've been caught with similar and know where you're coming from. Proposing a solution to Chris using the public 'suggestions' thread might be good; maybe a special section for members who've posted over 100 posts (for instance) to have a contact thread, might fit the bill.

(6-8) You're absolutely correct. We're here to support and be supported; learn and teach; encourage and be challenged; laugh and cry; share and listen; ask for help or give advice and; practice tolerance as well as speaking out. We've become friends...

(9) Asking how we're coping..This I should've said is related to (4-5)..popping in to ask how we're going. Sorry..type o; using 'coping' was insensitive.

Update - I've started using my personal journel again for private conflabs with me, myself and I. Worked a treat this morning! I'm hoping this will clear my brain for 'us' stuff instead of being 'self' obssessed.

And...I could've talked about each issue as it arose, but instead I grouped it all together to screw with our heads. How's that for self assessing confession 101?

Love you...Sara xoxo