Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Happy New Year everyone; (so miss you Corny)

As sleep eludes me, I thought of posting a few words to my dear friends as a new year gesture. It won't be long, but hopefully worthy.

Welcome Grey...You don't say much, we prattle on here all the time. Thanks for the thanks

Paul, is that an antique in your Avatar? 16 y/o hanging out the back? Tell us how this portrays you. lol

Matt, I'm a 28/10, I'm in the 4th yr of my 9yr cycle. I'm into numbers too. The subconscious works well this way. 1111 is the PTSD number.

Dottie... Miss chatting with you and Corny, girl talk. Like a pajama party only without PJ's or beds or bodies or voices. lol

Mr Croix...I promise to give you some great anecdotes when I'm back on board. I'm creating them as I write...new memories.

Love ya's

Sara xoxo

[blondguy]

Hey Sara...Happy New Year and great to see you back..The girl in the back is 18 by the way 🙂 Original advert photo used by GMH in 1977 for media release etc

Croix....The pic of the HX Sandman is just for yesterday and today for a bit of fun...will be getting my original avatar of a bald headed eagle..I actually bought a near new one in '77 in black 5Liter 4-Speed M21 full house...It was beautiful except it started to rust at 45,000klms....Many of the holdens of the day didnt even have the very light surface rust removed the bare steel correctly prior to the paint process....Grrr

Paulxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

From your other thread:-

Women have a duty to stand behind men and wholly support them within a marriage

Hey! - what an idea! - must tell my wife ...

(patter of 2 feet getting fainter)

pause

(patter of 4 feet getting louder)

I now have difficulty writing with a bucket over my head, though my wife is standing right behind me having provided this gesture of whole support

Don't you dare sing 'There's a whole in my bucket!'

Croix (clank)

[blondguy]

Hey Croix

Good on Sara for having the guts to be a strong individual and not a sheep (on the other thread)

How does your head feel?? Do you need a hand getting that bucket off or is it there forever? 🙂

Paul

[Croix]

Thanks Paul for the offer, however my spouse says as a dutiful wife she has to ensure I always feel the weight of her support.

I'm starting to consider my previous action was a little unwise.

Croix (who is typing from memory)

[Just Sara]

Hello everyone;

I had a good laugh at your post Croix, or should I say 'with' you? It's a good topic to get the juices flowing. I have my ideas on the subject, but your wife might come after me too! I may disclose all when the dust (or water) settles.

Buckets aside, I just can't seem to stay away. I'm posting on my two threads; I said I'd stick to the one's that don't challenge me too much. So here I am.

I've just read through all posts (especially my 1st) from this thread Oct '15 thru to Jan '16. It's nice to look back and see the progress I've made as well as revisit those who also posted. Most aren't here anymore, but their words show common themes and the reason I started this thread to begin with. Having a read thru might give everyone an idea of why it's so important to me. (Dottie, I know you've read them)

I came back here in Oct to find a place to just be me. Addressing threads/posts from others became isolating as a CC, as I still felt the need for help too. It's my place of personal expression and; more of a healing space than a social one to converse with other expressive, courageous and creative deep thinkers.

I apologise if this comes across as arrogant, offensive or self promoting; it's not my intention. I would prefer if those who posted here allowed themselves space to dig deep. It is after all about identity; the heart of who we are as separate entities.

Love and appreciation...

Sara (Previously Dizzy, Sara Connor, Sconner, Scones, Sara the Just and [JAS] Just an Angel Sara) xoxo

[1113]

Happy days

JAS,

Give yourself some credit, hah your definitely a 36 24 36. Hehehe. Number Joke. I will forever bring my subconscious along with me. Peace.

Croix,

Happy new years. I will refrane from speaking about my son from here on in. My cynical eyes are working. ​

Your wife sounds like the one who wears the pants. Hehehe there goes that sense of humour that gets me in trouble. I hope the bucket doesnt land on my head.

You could start a random facts and stuff thread in the social zone. That would go nuts. You and kanga would fill that in a day.

Paul,

No probs in re your father. Religious or not doesn't bother me. You are a true legend. I like the sandman. Shaggin wagon.

Hello Dottie and corn

Peace

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I'd like very much to respect your wishes, as I'm sure would anyone who knows you - however I'm not clear what they are. I tend to take words too literally, which can be a nuisance to all concerned.

I can see that this place - which only had three posters, you, Dottie & Corny when I arrived - now has more. When I first spoke I mentioned that in this restricted artificial world one's only possessions and identity are the threads and past posts one has made, and to intrude could be considered an invasion of privacy.

If you would like me to cut out levity and talking to others here I'll certainly do so. In the instance of your quote I felt you would be amused, however the original thread would not have been suitable as you were encouraging another to treat it seriously and I though you would at least see it here when you returned.

Anyway please let me know what you'd like & I for one will certainly do my best. I really would like you to feel at ease.

Affectionately

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. Can a thread have the words' restricted posting' or 'private' or similar in the name?

-C

[1113]

My apologies Sara,

Your previous post wasn't there when I posted.

I will abide or move on. My personality isn't everyones cup of tea.

Peace.