Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Dear sweet Dottie;

Getting to know you...music speaks to the soul. No language or dialect is a barrier to its effect. Percussion is its heart; beating rhythmic pulses of life blood, building suspense or preparing for love. The horn section is subtlety or power complementing the strings...beauty, emotion, drama. The piano...movement.

This is you...a melody in motion; transitioning and evolving, creating your life story on the page with each note chosen instrument.

Since Croix graced us with his presence, you've bloomed. You're sharing who you are, one note at a time. This pleases me.

I care about you deeply.

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

My dearest Croix;

Getting to know you...or is that me? Words; I've fallen in love with your words and wanted to be like you. What I've come to realise though, is that you've helped me to find my own words.

This thread was conceived from confusion regarding 'separateness' and a subliminal longing to feel independent; to know me. I saw myself in you as I have in others; not consciously at first, but now understand what loving and acknowledging me means. You showed me how to find and accept my passion as relevant, valuable.

Yes, my style differs from yours; it took me a while to decipher this as being ok. It's a relief to finally express me without fear. Thankyou so very much for being you...

Warmth and gratitude;

Sara xoxo

Post Script...Saying "I'm sorry" wasn't necessary or relevant.

[Just Sara]

Hey Matt!

I see you've graced us with your presence, and therefore are allowing us to get to know you better. This pleases me. Welcome friend...

Our 'home' is a haven for like minded souls to be ourselves, flawed and perfect all at the same time. I know you're up for that. There's humility and a quiet strength about you that's inviting. We can only benefit from you and your words.

This will be a brief post as I'm falling into exhaustion, so I'll return at some point to continue ok?

Friendship and warmth in abundance...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

My Dear Sara~

If you glance at this some time in the future that will be fine. I miss you and look forward to that happy time - whenever that may be - when you emerge again confident and sure from having taken those forward steps

I've learned so much from you; guide, carer ...

Words fail me for once:)

Croix

[1113]

Warm hello,

Croix,

I'm in a very strong place in my life right now, I see how caring and supportive you are to everybody. Thats a perfect way to be. I am going to support you as well. Please don't be afraid of your questions. Sad is sad at the moment, not depression. I am lucky in that sense. My confidence is balanced. Always learning too. Please ask anything. Im open.

Sara JAS,

Take your time. All is well. My happiness thoughts are with you. sending them now............. your next post will add up to 17. 7 is a good number. It is the number of completion also is the number of completeness and perfection (both physical and spiritual). The number 1 is only divisible by itself. It is independent of any other numerals yet composes them all. Make it a good one, the 1/1/2017 is very close. Peace.

Dottie,

Stay amaze! This is something that Ive read before. I finally met the legendary person. So kind and supportive and just. If there was perfection, you would certainly be close. The world is perfectly not perfect which makes us all different. Just visualize a world full of the same person, boring.

Hello corny. Peace

General,

The page number is 13. My next post will add up to 11. I feel welcomed, warm and happy. The angels are with us all. Enjoy the rest of the day.

Peace

Matt.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Croix, thank you. I'll gratefully accept the exclusive Golden Spyglass Pass. I'll gladly "pay" with music or passage discussions when I stumble upon something that resonates with me. Also I appreciate the reasssurance that you have found some comfort in my words.

I'm not even sure if Corny (hi there btw if you're reading) likes Beiber's Love Myself. She just mentioned the popularity of Halsey's cover but didn't give any indication of whether she actually likes the song.

She also once referred to Summertime Sadness in one of her jokes (one of her facetious jokes if I remember correctly ha, ha). Again, I don't know if she likes the song although I'm guessing "yes" for Summertime Sadness (?)

Aside from my uni text tomes, I do enjoy reading for leisure. In saying that, and maybe I'm just very picky, I find it hard to find a "good" book. So I don't end up reading that much because I'm often unimpressed after a few short pages.

Most books leave me either yawning but or rolling my eyes because the storyline is too predictable or the characters lack credibility because they're cookie cutter cliches. 2 dimensional main characters are my fiction pet peeve. My favourite book is Nausea (Satre) if that gives you an idea of my reading preferences.

I remember you said that you enjoy fantasy books, right?

Anyways, thanks for ask if questions and letting me waffle on yet again ha, ha.

Sara, it's really nice to hear from you again. I like how you made music come to life using your words. I agree that music truly is the universal language as it transcends all traditional language barriers. You don't need to speak, say, French to appreciate a French song.

Thank you for comparing me to a melody- that's possibly one of the nicest things you could have said to me 😊

Also, thanks for putting up with my music rambles (I can get rather carried away ha, ha).

Virtual hug to you and take good care of yourself! Love ya.

Matt, you really are very humble as well as generous with your compliments. Thank you. I can assure you that I am far from perfect. I've more flaws than I could possibly count. Nevertheless, thank you for your kindness.

Stay amaze everyone!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I thought that I would post tonight as I won't be posting on NYE (tomorrow) as I've 2 parties to attend.

2016 will be drawing to a close very soon, and I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you for letting me be a part of your thread. Also, I wanted to thank you for your encouragement, intelligence, compassion and support.

I remember when you first replied to a thread of mine about uni pressures. Our paths crossed again on some other threads. Then one day, I happened to "discover" this thread so I had a read out of sheer curiosity (nosiness) and posted a brief reply. And look where we are today ha, ha?!

I think it takes guts to admit hurts, desires, grief, insecurities and confusion. You're much braver than a lot of people (including me who has thorns around her heart in case anyone gets too close, you know. There's strength in your vulnerability, which is not to be confused with weakness as I'm not talking about that.

Anyways, I think the world of you and love you heaps.

Stay amaze and I'll see you in the New Year!!!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

I hope you all have a safe New Year. Thank you all for your kindness. Corny, I'll be thinking of you as I know this is a particularly rough time for you.

Group hug and stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Matt~
It was good to hear you are in a strong place - let it last -and I’m truly grateful for your support. I do need it. I’m also glad that you can view being sad in context, I try, sometimes it works, sometimes I cry, formerly inside, nowadays sometimes outside too

Visualizing the world full of the same person – you’re right it would be pretty pointless. I just wish more valued humanity and peace. A fair number I’ve met in my former occupation I have no link with or understanding of at all, they were alien to me – cunning, angry and essentially destructive, inhabiting a different world

That being said I've found some as life goes on with whom I do relate, gentle, giving, real

I’m not sure about the mechanics of the post numbers, however it sounds pretty positive -I'm glad, and feeling welcomed, warm and happy is just as it should be

Does your son have a favorite recreation such as reading, art, music – come to that, do you?

My best wishes

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

You realize I've taken all the fun out of being 'nosy' - with official permission the illicit thrill is gone 😞

Well I’ve had a listen to Lana Del Rey’s Summertime Sadness. I’m sad with the story it portrays - ending it all with one’s lover. Why does she not at least aim to be & enjoy with her, sharing the only chance one will ever have?

On top of that I’m not sure Ms Del Rey is really feeling the emotion – well that’s just me I guess, others may resonate with it

Sartre’s Nausea. I remember I had a nasty collision with Albert Camus’ L’Étranger (en français) during my schooldays. We went on to Nausea, however never completed it, thank goodness, my French was not up to it.

It did give me the impression that all French philosophers should be given a soothing Campari Soda and a nice lie down. Repeated applications of this remedy might well iron out all their existential wrinkles. Particularly resistant philosophers (Gabriel Marcel?) could be allowed the companion of their choice to accompany them (though he’d probably only choose God)

I’m a little unfair as I’ve found theater of the absurd, a related genre, most enjoyable and thought-provoking, Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot being a marvelous example – have you seen it? If you ever do try to see it live - video versions for some reason don't really do it justice

Sartre’s other main claim to fame – for me at least – is that his name starts with ‘S’ the same as Georges Simenon, who’s novels are penetrating when seen as a set of paintings of French society of the time

On the subject of thorns, Androcles turned one to his advantage and ended up leading the former possessor around on a lead – you’d better watch out:)

Affectionately

Croix