Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[1113]

Hi Croix,

Major depression

Gifted and talented

I have been through a great deal. Im not sure about the shallow comment? I will take as a compliment:)

I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Bipolar. Depression. And adha. All by different drs and the idealistic dreams of the previously mentioned (drs).

But it is just major/clinical depression with all the symptoms of the above mentioned diagnosis.

I tend not to believe that any of it is truth. Time heals all wounds. I do take all the information and medications that are prescribed for me. My body doesn't like them though. Rejects most. Balance of meds, time and truth/self awareness and exercise is the way for me. I have picked myself up a few times now. I will fall again too. It is envitable, unfortunately. But I always get up.

I can visualize your life with the pressure of a police officer and the things you have been through. My family are in the same line of work. So its completely understandable to me. I am generally a decent human. Just jokes. I have no issues with my decency. A god fearing Christian blended with the astrology, numerology and the like. Life's path has taken me here. Im not a conspiracist, I just believe everything and it all has its place in the world.

Celestial Geodynamics is a study of the movement of the earths poles in regards to outer forces of space. Eventually they will have an algorithm that will predict when a earthquake will happen due to the movement of the earths poles and the pressure on the earths crust as a result of celestial Geodynamics. It sounds a bit wishy washy but it is a science. Very interesting too.

Thankyou for the nice chat.

Have a good day

Peace

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Matt~

Thanks for coming back to me with the translation, I tend to get lost with all the initials.

How old is your son? I looked up definitions of Gifted and Talented. They all seems to say the person involved required a greater or more advanced level of education than is the norm.

How do you get on? Does he have talents in a particular area or all-around?

I hope you don't mind, just out of curiosity I looked up '1113' on an Angel blog, from the little I read I understood it to involve triple attributes of 1 plus the attributes of 3, and while there seemed to be lots of attributes mentioned they all seemed to revolve around motivation, progress and growth in a positive way - is that about right?

My best wishes

Croix (& yes not shallow it was a compliment)

[1113]

Evening croix,

My boy is 9 going on a mature 30. He is much more mature than me. He needs advanced learning and is in an acceleration class. Yr4 next year but will be spread across 2 schools, primary and high. Different subjects at different levels. He is not good at sport. Everything else is across the board.

He knows what your going to say before you say it.

He is special needs. Being 9 with the maturity/understanding that he has means emotional issues. To smart for his age. An angel child. Not a bad bone in his body.

1113 is a number that I have seen for about five or so years.

I always see number combinations with 13 in them. Every time i look at a clock etc. The true meaning of this is unsure to me. Angel numbers, numerology and the trinity all have different meanings. I am open to them all.

I generally just take note of my thoughts at the time of the sighting. This has served me well.

I see ghost a lot. I know thats weird but its true. Just out of the corner of my eye.

It started when my grandmother died. About 20 yrs ago, sorry that just made me sad.

The story;

My grandmother was in hospital with cancer, she didn't have much time left. I was sent out to get sandwiches for the family.

I was in the shopping center about to by sandwiches when I just turned around and went back. I had no Idea why i didnt get the food, I just had to go back.

She had pasted at the same time I lost it at the shops. When I got back nobody wanted food anyway.

She always played with my earlobes. She would just sit for hours rubbing them.

Anyway.

The numbers are always positive. Yes.

The only negative in my life is my health.

I have almost died about 5 times. Truly. I don't know how I’m still here. A car accident where I was only a few center meters away from major injury or death. Which I just walked away from. The others I would rather not talk about. Something has always been helping me, that is my only explanation.

Every that happens is only for the positive. That I can truly say. I cannot win the lotto. Lol. I've tried.

I usually find myself helping the people who need the most help. All my life.

Now its time to accept that I need it too.

Helping others does make me happy.

Im sorry if that is a mouth full. But I have never told anyone this to this level of acceptance.

There are a lot of people like me. I'm not evil.

So I thank you.

I have trust in you even though I dont know you.

But lets never speak of this again. LOL.

Peace

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Matt~

Thank you.

I guess you boy will have a hard time split across primary and high schools. The opportunities to make friends with which you can go from class to class will be limited. It's a pity. Do you have trouble keeping up with his school-work, or is he ahead already? I had enough trouble keeping up with mine - and he was average at school.

I was no good at sport - needed glasses early on but not diagnosed, so never saw the ball coming in time. Can't say I've missed the experience, plenty of other things filled my life, singing and books formed a large part back then. No singing now -croak.

I'm sorry you were sad when you told of your grandmother's passing. I don't know if that was good-sad or bad-sad for you.

I read in the BB Cafe the lyrics of the song 'Honey', posted there by Kanga the other day, he was thinking of his late wife. It really hit a chord with me as it so reminded me of my first wife - but it was good-sad - the loss was in the past and the love lived on

I too try to help - that's why I joined the police, that's why I'm here. I'm learning (being reminded?) again though that I'm not whole and need help too. Helping can make me happy or sad depending if it works, or does nothing. I'm very frightened of doing harm - even though unintentionally - that's the ogre that stalks my posts.

I think taking a note of your thoughts at time of sighting is a fine idea, I might try it in other things.

My best wishes

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Matt,

It was nice to read that my response made you smile. You and Sara have a beautiful friendship that dates back to way back when. That's lovely to hear.

It's sad that people have misjudged you and taken your sense of humour the wrong way. They missed out on getting to know.

I agree that no one is perfect and that compassion, open mindedness, patience and tolerance helps a lot. We're all perfectly imperfect, right?

I'm sure that you have more to offer than what you think. Everyone's input comes from a slightly different perspective; I firmly believe that your perspective is every bit as worthwhile as any other person's here (or elsewhere).

Stay amaze, k?

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

It means a lot to me that you took the time to not only listen to Gavi's Song but you also did some research on it. Moreover, you're so encouraging of my music rambles.

I agree that Gavi's Song is very evocative as it's layered with so many emotions. I like how you compared the violin to life pulsing in space. You really do have a way with words. Now whenever I listen to the piece, I imagine floating.

Her whole album, Brave Enough, has been helping me get through some sticky times. That is the power of music, right?

I'm as nosy and obnoxious as ever (so trust me to barge in on posts that aren't addressed to me ha, ha) but about your admission that fear of doing harm lurks in your posts.

I mean, it's a reasonable and understandable fear that many of us-myself included- have when we post. I think it just shows that you genuinely care (or else you wouldn't worry about the impact of your posts). I suppose it's all a bit trial and error and I'm not entirely sure that a 100% perfect response/post exists anyway. You put in the effort and thought, and surely that must count for something.

Besides, sometimes saying something is better than saying nothing at all. In worst case scenarios, at least posters know that you cared enough to respond even if, say, it wasn't what they wanted to hear at the time. And best case? You hit the nail on the head and made a poster feel immensely supported and heard 😉

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Thanks for being you, Croix.

You're amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I hope you're taking some much needed time out to rest, reflect and recuperate. You do you.

I'm posting just to send caring vibes your way but I'm not expecting a response. You're tired so save your words for yourself and only post when you feel up to it.

Much love and keep up the amazeness even if things aren't quite going your way right now.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Don't worry, I'm not expecting you to magically appear and respond. I know you're doing it very tough so save your energy for yourself (you know you need it especially when you're shouldering a lot of your mum's weight on top of everything else).

Anyways...I just wanted to say hello and give you a virtual hug. I know it's not worth very much but text is all we can offer here so I hope you feel the care behind it.

Side note that hopefully amuses you for about 2 seconds: I heard Beibs' Love Yourself playing at a shop and it instantly made me think of you (because you once mentioned Halsey's cover of it). So now you'll forever be associated with that song in my mind ha, ha.

Much love and take care of your amazing self and mum.

Dottie xxx

🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

You make me feel very heard. That is your gift here as far as I am concerned. You're a good listener. It's easy to be a good talker but listening is a different skill, and you excel at that here.

I only hope that one day we can return the favour and make you feel equally heard (and only if that's what you want and need).

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

==========================

Golden Spyglass Pass

Entitles the bearer to nose

through any of Croix's posts)

=========================

Dear Dottie~

Please accept the above pass, (for your exclusive use of course:)

Payment consists of mentioning a passage or song that means something to you when you can - so I can enjoy or gain benefit from it too -I'm coming to respect your choices.

I only hope that one day we can return the favour and make you feel equally heard (and only if that's what you want and need)

You do that in spades already. Why - just now you are telling me your thoughts about doubts when posting - helps me put things in perspective. It is comforting.

As I've been nosing too I'll have to go and listen to Beibs' Love Yourself to get an image that might reflect Corny in some small way.

Sara~ if you are looking here feel my affection - no need to reply

Corny~ I continue to hope you are hanging on and managing

My affection

Croix

P.S. Dottie - I forgot to ask you if you read (other than text tomes of course) -C.